Cantankerously Yours
“Fast, Free and Easy!”
(*@%!?*#+!)
By Wendell Abern
Dear Internet Fans,
Confession: I am just barely computer-literate. I can use my computer as a word processor, I can send and receive e-mails, I can play bridge on an international bridge site, and I can Google.
Not much else.
My expertise is further hampered by Borbick, the miniaturized terrorist who lives inside my computer. Borbick gets his jollies by disrupting me frequently.
Recently, my friend Alan sent me an e-mail requesting that I vote for him in a contest being conducted online by the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel: a BOB, or Best of Blogs, competition. I thought to myself … okay, this shouldn’t be too hard. I clicked on the link Alan provided.
I found myself staring at a long series of Blog titles in categories ranging from Art to Travel, found the Humor section and Alan’s entry. I clicked on “Vote,” and now found myself staring at a Sun-Sentinel site that read, “We’re saving your BOB Awards Information! But to continue, please enter your Sun-Sentinel.com login information, or set up a new account below if you don’t have one.”
Wait. What did this mean? Did “saving your BOB information” mean my vote was counted?
Not being certain, I typed in my login information, and was informed (in red ink, thank you), “The e-mail address you entered is not in our system.”
I stared at my computer for a few seconds and then shouted, “Are you working for the Sun-Sentinel now, Borbick?”
I went back to my e-mail site and sent a quick note to Alan, telling him I was trying, but wasn’t sure if my vote counted. He sent a quick e-mail back, assuring me the newspaper was just using the contest to get people to register with the Sun-Sentinel, that it was free and there were no strings attached.
The next day, I voted again. I think. Still not certain, I went to register with the Sun-Sentinel. Up pops a page headlined, “Registering for South Florida Sun-Sentinel.com is fast, free and easy!”
Yeah. Right.
I filled out a form, typing in my e-mail address, gender, zip code et al, and was then asked to agree to the newspaper’s privacy policy and terms of service. Because I wanted to see just how fast, free and easy it was to register, I read every word of their terms. Took me seventeen minutes.
However, I felt I was now set, and clicked on the box marked, “Register.” And was quickly informed, once again in red ink, “The e-mail address you entered is not in our system.”
I cut loose with a loud stream of some of my favorite expletives, ending with, “Okay, Borbick, how much is Comcast paying you?”
I waited another day. Filled out another form to register with the Sun-Sentinel, and was rejected once again. However, the newspaper posted a note saying “… for further assistance, contact [email protected].
I went back to my e-mail site and composed the following:
“Dear Ms. (or Mr.) Pellegrino,
I have been trying to register on your site in order to vote in a contest. I keep getting a pop-up that reads, ‘The e-mail you registered is not in our system.’ Please advise.”
When I returned to my e-mails later that afternoon, I quickly went to an e-mail from a Kathleen Pellegrino.
“Dear Wendell,
I am referring your inquiry to the appropriate editor involved in the contest.”
“What, appropriate?!” I shouted. “How appropriate does an editor have to be!? I’m not trying to reach some diplomat in the Bulgarian embassy or something, for God’s sake, I just want to vote in a contest!”
I scanned through my incoming e-mail list and found an e-mail from one Seth Liss at the Sun-Sentinel. He wrote:
“Hi Wendell,
Your user name is: dendyabern. I set up a new password for you
at ********. You can go ahead and change your password after you log on. Thanks, Seth.”
I spent the next few minutes wondering if anyone in the world has as much trouble navigating the Internet as I do. How many friends of Alan were trying to vote, and then giving up? How many votes was he getting?
With some trepidation, I clicked on the link to the BOB contest site. I voted again (I think), then went to the Sun-Sentinel site, typed in my e-mail address and my new password and was once again informed, “The e-mail you registered is not in our system.”
I cursed the Sun-Sentinel, Ms. Kathleen Pellegrino, Mr. Seth Liss, Alan, Borbick, Bill Gates and the Bulgarian ambassador, and went back to my inbox.
I wrote another e-mail to Ms. Pellegrino, with a copy to Seth Liss.
Dear Ms. Pellegrino,
Your associate, Mr. Seth Liss, told me I could vote with the
username dendyabern and a new password. I tried, and was
once again informed, “The e-mail you registered is not in
our system.” Please try to understand something:
I AM JUST TRYING TO VOTE FOR MR. WILLIAMSON’S BLOG!
THAT’S ALL! WHAT IS THE BIG PROBLEM?!!!!
Very cantankersouly yours, and rightfully so. Wendell Abern
P.S. Do you happen to have a very small cousin named Borbick?
To her credit, Ms. Pellegrino answered right away with a compassionate e-mail that infomed me she was sorry I continued to have this problem and had asked Seth Liss to help resolve it. She disavowed any knowledge of Borbick.
Seth Liss, almost simultaneously, sent an e-mail saying, “You don’t have to register. Just sign in. You are already registered.”
Okay, we’ll see. I went back to the voting page and voted for Alan. Then I voted for him again. And again. And again.
Heeding Seth Liss’s comforting e-mail, I did not even venture to the site for registering. I was already registered, right?
To this day, I vote for Alan daily. As long as that voting page
remains posted, I will continue to vote for him.
Alan, if you happen to be reading this, I have now voted for you 138 times. Or not at all. I have no way of knowing if my votes have been counted. My feeling about the whole experience is that if you don’t win this contest, you can blame it on Borbick.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].
Editor’s Note: If you’d like a truly fast & easy “subscribe” experience, just click on “Subscribe” on this site, aroundwellington.com! No strings attached. And you can always “Unsubscribe” at the bottom of any email, if needed. Also, the Alan Williamson that Wendell is referring to in this article writes “As I Was Saying” for AroundWellington.com…check out his article too.