Cantankerously Yours
Announcing: Scroogie Hall of Fame Candidates
By Wendell Abern
Dear Grouchiness Fans,
I inaugurated my Scroogie awards in 2006, as an homage to my idol and favorite role model, Ebeneezer Scrooge.
I award Scroogies only to those who have proved their worthiness through acts of inconsiderateness, boorishness, stupidity, arrogance, or any other trait that just plain rankles me and deserves my curmudgeonly wrath.
After five years, I believe it is time to plan for a Scroogie Hall of Fame, to be erected some years from now, which will include only the most deserving of candidates. While many contenders have displayed admirable obnoxiousness, only a few made the cut this year. To wit:
1 – Lisa Jackson.
Renowned writer. Dozens and dozens of best-selling novels. With Ms. Jackson’s unparalleled qualifications, it is not a question of whether she will be included in the Hall of Fame, but when.
Lisa Jackson wrote a thriller entitled, “Left to Die.” More than 500 pages. I could not put this book down. When I reached the end, sometime after four in the morning, I was informed, “If you want to know what happens, buy my next book.”
The unmitigated gall it took to not conclude a nail-biter … to
not let the unsuspecting know this was the first in a series … to laugh at the very readers who spent money on her book … puts Lisa Jackson in a class by herself.
I have already awarded her the Scroogie Lifetime Achievement Award.
And while “lifetime” may sound oxymoronic for a single book, Ms. Jackson’s unmitigated conceit with this one brilliant Scrooge-like act represents more self-aggrandizement than most writers could achieve with a lifetime of work.
2 – Zebra Books.
They published, “Left to Die.”
3 – Netflix.
The following events, described here as they actually happened, not only solidifies this home-movie provider’s credentials, but also confirms conclusively that the Netflix quality control department is now being run by The Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me.
Thursday, September 22nd .
“Netflix. This is Marvin. How may I help you?”
“You’re too late.”
“Excuse me?”
“You could have helped me if you – or someone at Netflix – had checked the VCR of ‘Body Heat’ before you sent it to me.”
“There’s something wrong with the disc?”
“I was showing the movie to a friend. Wanted to share one of my favorite flicks with her. Halfway through, just as a murder is about to be committed, the film froze. Then it skipped through a zillion frames and came to the conclusion of the movie.”
“Sir, I’m very sorry. We will send out another copy tomorrow morning.”
“Really. And can you also send another evening to substitute for the one you just ruined? No, don’t answer. Just tell me this – tomorrow I’m expecting ‘Victor, Victoria.’ Did anyone check it before it was sent?”
“We have a quality control system in place. I’m sure they did.”
“Yes, I know all about your quality control system. They have – (EDITOR’S NOTE: The author’s comments cannot be printed here due to this publication’s policy on expletives.)
Friday, September 23rd.
“Netflix. This is Catherine. How may I help you?”
“Catherine, does your mother know what you do for a living?”
“Excuse me?”
“This morning, I sent back to you a defective copy of ‘Body Heat.’
This afternoon, I received ‘Victor, Victoria.’ Tonight, I took my new CD out of its sleeve to discover the disc is cracked. ‘Victor, Victoria’ is cracked!
All the way from the center hole to the outer rim! Completely unplayable! What would your mommy think if she knew you worked for a company that makes its profits by playing practical jokes on its customers?”
“Sir, I – “
“Rhetorical question, Catherine. However, I hope you will pass along
the following comments to your management.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: Ditto.)
Saturday, September 24th.
“Netflix. This is Harold. How may I help you?”
“Harold, I would like to claim a Netflix record. How do I go about verifying it?”
“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand.”
“Your company has just ruined three consecutive evenings for me. Now I have no idea what the current record is, but I am sure I have topped it.
You destroyed Thursday with a defective ‘Body Heat.’ You shattered last night with a fractured ‘Victor, Victoria.’ And you have just annihilated Saturday night with a disc of ‘Hanover Street,’ which freezes ten minutes before the climax of the movie. Three nights in a row. Harold, I am sure this is a Netflix record, and I want to know what I have to do to verify it.”
“Sir, I – “
“Harold, don’t even bother. What I do want is for you to go your management, and tell them –” (EDITOR’S NOTE. Ditto.)
Yes, those incidents actually happened. Three nights in a row. Since that horrendous weekend, Netflix has ruined only two evenings for me. I am going to send them a copy of this column as fair warning that if they keep improving their service, I may have to reconsider their qualifications for the Scroogie Hall of Fame.
4 – All professional athletes.
I consider myself one of the most avid sports enthusiasts in the world. Especially professional sports. I’ll watch baseball, football and basketball games between anyone.
But as I write this, the quarreling NBA owners and players cannot agree on a contract, and it’s a good possibility there will be no season; the football players and franchise owners settled their contentious disagreements in the spring, barely saving the NFL season; the average baseball player’s salary is now over three million dollars.
Lopping all of these athletes together, I am considering an entire wing for them, which will be entered through an arch inscribed, “Millionaire Whiners.” One entire wall will be devoted to portraits of hundreds of athletes; under each photo will be a hand-lettered script, reading, “I don’t play for money; I play to win.” Special trophies will await any athlete who can successfully conjugate five verbs chosen at random.
* * *
Currently, real estate scouts are scouring the country looking for a suitable site for the Scroogie Hall of Fame. We hope to attract thousands of visitors a year, thus creating the possibility of deafening traffic noise, pollution and horrendous congestion problems.
I am proposing we build the hall of fame across the street from Lisa Jackson’s house.
Cantankerously yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].