Cantankerously Yours
Sixth Annual Scroogie Awards
By Wendell Abern
Dear Holiday Revelers,
Happy holidays to you all!
Scroogies are awards I inaugurated in 2006, as an homage to my idol and favorite role model, Ebeneezer Scrooge. This happens to be my favorite column to write all year, because I don’t feel constrained to be funny — merely nasty.
I award Scroogies only to those who have proved themselves worthy through acts of inconsiderateness, boorishness, stupidity, arrogance, or any other trait that just plain rankles me and deserves my curmudgeonly wrath.
And each year, I confront the same major problem: hundreds of worthy candidates, limited space to include them all. Following are this year’s very deserving winners:
1 – Perennail Scroogie: Lisa Jackson.
Those of you who have read previous “Scroogie” columns will recognize the name of this prolific writer. I have not only included her previously, but also made her the first permanent member of my Scroogie Hall of Fame. In fact, Lisa Jackson is the only double winner in the short history of this award.
Last year, she also won the much coveted “Chudspah” Award. (The classic Talmudic definition of chudspah: a young man murders his mother and father, then throws himself at the mercy of the court on the grounds he’s an orphan.)
I mention her yet again because it is unlikely anyone will ever infuriate me as much this world-famous author, who has penned more than 50 thrillers.
I bought her nail-biter, “Born to Die,” and sat up until 3AM three nights in a row, bleary-eyed, riveted. Could not get to the conclusion fast enought. But there was no conclusion!
Instead, in an epilog Ms. Jackson informs the readers that if they want to know what happens, they should buy her next book.
2 – Whining Scroogie: All professional athletes.
In examining the salaries of these whining millionaires, the operative word is “more.” They always want more.
As I write this, the entire National Hockey League season is on hold. Seems the owners of the teams and their vaunted players can’t get together on a lot of issues, including how to divide up more than three billion dollars in income. Obviously, the players want more.
Last year, the National Basketball Association season was also put on hold for several months and started late — because the players wanted more, more, more. Sixteen games were cut from each team’s schedule.
In addition, the National Football League almost postponed or shortened its season, because the owners were proposing a lockout and players were demanding more.
Today, the average salary of NBA players is 5.15 million dollars. The minimum salary: $473,604. That’s the minimum. Until, that is, those making this paltry sum start whining they want more.
The average salary of Major League Baseball players comes next at a scant average salary of 3.31 million dollars. MLB players have not struck for years. One suspects they’d be too embarrassed. Some of their biggest stars have been producing anemic statistics while holding multi-year contracts that average more than ten million dollars a year. However, MLB players are easily manipulated by greedy sports agents; it’s just a matter of time before they start whining again.
Average salaries of National Hockey League players come to only 2.4 million, but when the current negotiations have concluded, that will surely rise.
And the lowly National Football League players average only 1.9 million dollars a year. On the other hand, they play only sixteen games a year, so they average more than $100,000 per game.
We all know it is merely a matter of time before these professional kvetches start whining again. For that reason, I am devoting an entire section of my Scroogie Hall of Fame to them. I call it my “Whiner’s Wing.” Long overdue. After all, one must remember the importance of what these athletes do.
They play a game.
3 – Misnamed Scroogie: Emergency Rooms.
Several months ago, a bridge partner called me to cancel a game.
“I’m shaking all over,” he said, “and I’ve got chills and a fever a little over 103.”
“What! Listen, I’m coming over and taking you to an emergency room!
Right now!”
“Are you kidding? That’s the last place I’d go!”
I told several of my friends about this incident, and they agreed with my bridge partner! Then I heard all kinds of tales involving broken legs and bleeding wounds, and waits of more than nine hours.
Granted, I am crankier than most people, but there is something dramatically wrong with a health system when the last place someone wants to go with an emergency is an emergency room.
Emergency room. A glaring misnomer. These sections of hospitals should be re-named “Waiting Rooms.”
4 – Abuse of the word “service” Scroogie: Netflix.
The only surprising thing about this nominee is that they have not won a Scroogie previously.
I thought this movies-through-the-mail provider had outdone itself last month, when they sent me a CD with a scratch covered up by Scotch tape.
Last week, they topped this. I received a disc cut in half! I pulled two separate halves out of the envelope. I thought of calling them, but they would only blame it on the post office.
* * *
I feel badly that I had to leave out so many deserving candidates, such as the Veteran’s Administration, where no one answers the phone, the Cleveland Clinic (ditto), and old, old, old woman who was driving down Pine Island last week at a blistering twelve miles an hour and not permitting me to pass her. But, as Chicago Cubs fans always say … “Wait ’til next year.”
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].