Cantankerously Yours
This Year, No One Gets a Valentine
By Wendell Abern
Dear Romantics,
It is your season. Time for hearts, flowers and cornball sentiments. Well, at least chocolates are sometimes included as part of the celebration, which is the most I can say about it.
To those of you curious as to whom a curmudgeon would bestow a valentine, the answer is simple: no one. But to clarify, I will explain why some are more undeserving than others.
1 – My skin doctor.
Now granted, she has saved me from the possibility of a melanoma many times. I’ve had countless basal cell cancers and six squamous cells; all have been dispatched, four with plastic surgeries.
However, I find it most annoying that every time I visit her she takes a couple of chunks of skin from my five-foot five frame, which I mention here because when I first started seeing her, I was six-foot four.
2 & 3 – Gary and Karen.
They have been married more than 30 years, and if there were a contest for the best-looking couple in the country, they would win hands down. They are very caring, and devote much of their time to giving to others. They are also very dear friends.
However, neither of them rates a valentine.
Gary sings and plays the guitar, and is part of a surprisingly professional musical group at River of Grass (my Unitarian Universalist congregation).
On the negative side, however, he meditates, conducts Yoga classes, and takes some kind of martial arts course beyond tae-kwan doe (called queecreeko or something like that). Worse, he has become a vegetarian. Last night for dinner, he ate a brussel sprout and three peas. So now, in addition to his good looks, he has remained slender and fit.
In short, he is The Enemy. No valentines for Gary.
Karen, who should be in movies, or at least walking down fashion runways, has been a teacher for years. She always looks superb. Until she starts experimenting with fingernail polish.
Last week, she showed up at River of Grass sporting fingernails in a kind of dusty purple.
“What is that?” I asked. “Maudlin Mauve?”
“I wanted to try something different.”
“No, no, no,” I said. “Go back to bright red. Harlot Scarlet. Escort Crimson. Something hot.”
The following week, she held out her hand for inspection.
“Karen,” I said, “Trashcan Tan does not do you justice.”
“Everybody else likes it!”
“Yeah? This color is fine if you’re washing dishes at a diner in Fire Hydrant, Idaho. Go find a Streetwalker Blush or something like that.”
The following week: glittering silver.
Zero valentines for Karen.
4 – Halle Berry.
She never calls, she never writes, I’m not wasting another valentine on her.
5 – The Chicago Bears.
We Chicagoans had a terrible 2014. Our baseball teams, the Chicago White Sox and Cubs, spent the entire summer learning there’s an important facet of the game called relief pitching.
But the football season, which has now entered the playoff stage, seemed interminable.
As a longtime Chicago Bears fan, I couldn’t wait for the season to end. This year’s team was so bad they couldn’t have beaten Hyde ParkHigh School.
My friend Shel Saitlin recently sent a stinging letter to the editor on the failings of this team … not just for this year, but for many preceding it, pointing out that many people still think of the Bears as a dominant force in the NFL. Truth be told, they haven’t been in a Super Bowl for 30 years; they haven’t won a playoff for 20 years. As Shel said, instead of referring to them as, “The Monsters of the Midway, they should be called, “The Mistake by the Lake.”
The Bears get no valentines, along with the Chicago White Sox and the Chicago Cubs. Jury’s still out on the Chicago Bulls.
6 – Cameron Diaz.
See “HalleBerry.”
7 – Brandon Wade.
For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Wade, he created a website entitled, “SeekingArrangement.com,” to help young women (AKA “Sugar Babies”) find older, wealthy men (AKA “Sugar Daddies”). Mr. Wade claims more than 40% of his “Sugar Babies” are college students, and that he carefully screens out prostitutes and professional escorts.
Yeah, well my problem with you, Mr. Wade, is that you have also screened out us older guys on Social Security.
How about a new site called, “Destitute and Desperate, but Delightfully Depraved?” Dot Com. Or forget all references to money altogether. Emphasize how spry some of us elderly gents are. Something like, “82 is The New 27-1/2!”
Whatever. You have cavalierly dismissed non-wealthy men from your world, Mr. Wade, so you get zip from me. And I hope the only women who send you valentines are bloodthirsty Amazons wielding emasculating weapons.
8 – My bridge partner, Joan.
Joan is an outstanding bridge player and a wonderful partner.
Last month, Joan told me that since I became a widower five years ago, I have been a “terrific catch” ever since.
Grinning obnoxiously, I waited to hear why. I thought maybe it was because of my bridge acumen (although that seems to be called into question every time I play with anyone).
Or perhaps it was because of my George Clooneyesque looks (hoping she hadn’t heard one my other partners refer to me as “looking like a bloated Harpo Marx”).
Or possibly it’s because I have started to learn how to cook.
Impatiently, I said, “Thank you. So okay. Why do you think I’m a good catch?”
“You drive at night.”
No valentine for Joan.
______________________________________
I am going to be very discreet about the valentines I will send this year. None of the recipients, however, are listed on Brandon Wade’s website.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached on [email protected].