Cantankerously Yours
Trials of a Curmudgeon
By Wendell Abern
Dear Criminal Justice Fans,
Like many of you, I have read many courtroom thrillers and watched just as many on TV or in movies.
And, also like many of you (I suspect), I have frequently imagined myself as a relentless prosecuting attorney, nailing dangerous criminals, or as a crafty defense attorney, protecting the wrongly accused.
Today, I assume the role of a hard-nosed District Attorney in my newly-established CPO (Court of Personal Opinion), which features a pathetic defense attorney, my own hand-picked judge (nothing but bench trials today) and my rules, which are all loaded in my favor and vacillate depending on my whims. (Note: When I am the defense attorney, the DA becomes pathetic.)
On the docket today: smarmy low-lifes who, until now, have perpetrated egregious crimes that have gone unpunished.
Bailiff: Case Number One. The CPO vs. Gary Payton.
Judge: Charge?
DA: Murder of the English language, your honor.
Judge: Proceed.
Bailiff: (TO PAYTON) Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Payton: I do.
DA: Lotta good that’ll do you.
Defense Atty: Objection, your honor!
Judge: Oh, shut up. Proceed, please.
DA: Mr. Payton, you were an All-State high school basketball player, a first-string All-American in college and a Hall of Fame player in the NBA, is that correct?
Payton: Yes.
DA: So you did you graduate high school?
Payton: Of course. Skyline High, Oakland, California.
DA: And where did you play your college basketball?
Payton: Oregon State.
DA: And did you graduate from college?
Payton: Yes.
DA: With a degree in — ?
Payton: Communications.
DA: Communications! Isn’t that ironic?
Defense Atty: Objection, your honor. Editorializing!
Judge: Yeah, so what? Continue.
DA: Mr. Payton, isn’t it true that during your career with the Seattle Super Sonics and other professional teams, you sometimes had problems with teammates?
Payton: No.
DA: Yet some players said that you –
Payton: They were lying!
DA: Lying! And for the court’s purposes, would you repeat what you said in a nationally-televised interview, in answer to those charges?
Payton: No!
Judge: The witness is instructed to —
Payton: I AIN’T NEVER DID THOSE THINGS!
DA: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Judge: Fine. Let’s not waste the court’s time with a defense that would only be silly after that outburst. Defendant is remanded to third grade in the grammar school of his choice, where he will remain until he graduates. If he can. Next case.
Bailiff: The CPO vs. Lisa Jackson.
Judge: Charge.
DA: Hoodwinking and manipulating readers.
Judge: Proceed.
DA: Your honor, the prosecution requests a waiver of the swearing-in ceremony on grounds the defendant will simply lie.
Defense Atty: Objection, your honor!
Judge: Oh, will you keep quiet!
DA: Ms. Jackson, you are a renowned, world-famous author, is that fair to say?
Lisa Jackson: Yes.
DA: And you have written more than 50 thrillers, is that right?
LJ: It’s as accurate as I’d expect someone like you to be.
DA: Objection, your honor!
Judge: Sustained! The witness is now judged to be hostile, and will answer all questions “yes” or “no.”
Defense Attorney: Objection, your honor! My client –
Judge: Listen, pipsqueak, if you expect me to honor your objections, you’d better start wearing better-looking ties. Continue, please.
DA: Ms. Jackson, you wrote a thriller entitled, “Left to Die,” is that correct?
LJ: Yes.
DA: Will you give the court a brief summary of “Left to Die,” please?
LJ: It’s about a serial killer roaming the snowy mountains around Grizzly Falls, Montana. He creates auto accidents for women driving alone; then takes them to a hidden cabin to allegedly help them with their wounds. There, after some simple first aid, he ties them up, tortures them and uh, er, has his way with them.
DA: And then?
LJ: When they’re almost dead, he takes them out and throws them in a snowbank, leaving them to die. Hence, the brilliant title.
DA: Yes. Brilliant. And near the climax of this book, a widow is driving through –
LJ: Yes! Her name is Jillian Rivers. And he shoots out her tires! Then he drags her to his cabin andthenhestartstohelpher –
DA: Ms. Jackson, please. Slow down.
LJ: Yes. Nothing excites me more than when I talk about my work. Anyway, two female detectives think they know where he is. They’re driving as fast as they can. Meanwhile, the killer ties up the widow.
DA: Are the detectives close?
LJ: Very close! But they slide and get stuck in a snowbank!
DA: And then?
LJ: Now is when it gets really exciting! See, the widow is about to be tortured! The detectives get their car moving again!
DA: Yes. And then?
LJ: Well, they’re getting closer. Meanwhile, Jillian is trying to stall the
killer, writhing around, pleading with her eyes.
DA: And then?
LJ: SILENCE.
Judge: And then?
LJ: SILENCE.
Judge: Ms. Jackson, answer the question! What happens next?
LJ: I tell the readers if they want to find out what happens to buy my next book.
Judge: You do WHAT?
DA: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Defense Atty: Your honor, I –
Judge: You shut up! I’m holding you in contempt for representing this literary tease! Ms. Jackson, you are to be remanded to a cabin in Grizzly Falls, Montana, for five years without computer, pen, pencil or paper. Court is adjourned!
* * *
Now that’s what I call justice. That’s the beautiful thing about my newly-established court: everyone gets what I think they deserve.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].