Mommy Moments
Bringing Up Bébé, a Look at French Parenting
By Melanie Lewis
“Bringing Up Bébé, One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting”, by Pamela Druckerman – – A Mommy Moments book review by Melanie Lewis
A year ago I realized I hadn’t read much since “What to expect when you’re expecting”. I needed to dust off a book and rediscover the joys of literature. I started by joining a book club that reads a variety of books. In searching for new titles, I ran across the book, “Bringing Up Bébé”. I remembered hearing about it and seeing it in print on the shelves (I still prefer paper). The book is written by a journalist whose husband is working in France. They have a baby girl and the author, Pamela Druckerman faces all the same questions about pregnancy and parenting that we all face, just with a French “twist”.
The author spends a couple of chapters describing her background and views. Her commentary comes across as a Carrie Bradshaw-esk on dating and men. The couple is first introduced to the gourmet-eating, the well-mannered French child while traveling with their infant in France. While at a restaurant, a French child they observed ate adult entrees, not chicken nuggets and sat eating attentively and politely. To their dismay, this was not an aberration, but de rigueur or protocol. Amazed at the child’s demeanor, the author sets out on a mission to find out what French parents do to yield these results opposite of children she’s encountered in the States.
As her baby grows up she asks her pediatrician and other parents she meets what they do with their children. Her first instructions come as she endures sleepless nights. She is instructed to observe and wait before immediately picking up the baby during the night. She is also to give the infant plenty of time to be alone with their thoughts to enjoy “being” without constant stimulation and attention. Before long, she discovers her baby is “doing her nights” as the French describe it. Small delays develop “internal resources to cope with frustration.”
When it comes to eating, there is also a French approach. Food is revered and great attention is paid to what is served and when. Food is not eaten “whenever”. There is a definite structure followed as a culture. Everyone, infant through adult is served 4 times a day. Meals are breakfast, lunch, dinner and an afternoon snack, called Gouter, and at a prescribed schedule 8, 12, 4 and 8. A small baby is fed on demand for the first couple of weeks and then is led into the mainstream schedule. “Wait” is the skill learned early on. Skills are developed to distract oneself until the meal is ready. I needed to investigate this for myself and asked another mom at my son’s soccer game if this was true. She travels frequently to France as part of her job. There isn’t so much as a snack machine in any office building. If you didn’t catch the main event, you might find a coffee, but not any sort of the junk food that proliferates the US diet. The goldfish filled diaper bags are only carried by US ex-patriots. French moms command the “wait”.
One would think the parenting style as harsh. On the contrary, the author finds the parents warm, but with firm boundaries , Cadre-framework- setting firm limits, but giving children freedom within those limits, with expectations to stay within them. The French have a saying that the child is happier when “they’re in control of themselves.” The child develops what is called Sage-to-be-wise and calm, be absorbed in an activity, in control of himself. The emphasis is on the child learning to use good judgment, be aware and respectful of others. The practice of this is that a child will always say bonjour to an adult and respond in pleasantries when asked. You’d always find my children hiding behind me. This is upsetting to the adult talking to the child, but we’ve made excuses for the kids as shy. One of the first lessons taught and practiced in preschools and daycare is to say please, thank you and hello. The societal requirement is rehearsed before the alphabet is introduced. Rather than pushing kids to learn music, math and sports, French parenting focuses on a child’s own “awakening” or discovery.
A mother also has her own time of discovery. Mother is also a woman and she retains equilibrium or “Equilibre-balance, not letting one part of life – including being a parent – overwhelm the other parts”, between her role as a mother and as a woman. French women demonstrate this by returning to work after, typically, a 3 month maternity leave. Of course, French state-funded childcare is affordable and well-run. French women are determined to regain their figure as soon as possible. Much of her identity as a woman is on her looking herself. She discovers the “perfect mother doesn’t exist” and therefore spends no time feeling guilty for going to work. She certainly misses her children, but doesn’t dwell on that, just cherishes the harmonious moments spent together.
There are several gems that I was able to take away from reading this book. Of number one importance is to be polite. For example if the kids want a cookie from the bakery while shopping, they have to ask for it themselves. And secondly, they will wait until after dinner to eat the cookie (instead of eating it in the store). Following the elimination of the open fridge policy to one snack a day, the kids have been extremely interested in what the meal is going to be and interested in preparing it as well. I now have a champion banana bread baker.
It was good to get another perspective on parenting. At times the system seems too good to be true and idealistic. That’s why I needed to verify the information. Without a good childcare system, many American parents face staggering childcare costs when available. For instance, this week marked the beginning of our summer school vacation which created a void for many working parents since several camps weren’t open yet for summer. One parent I know took her kids to work with her. They played on their electronic devices and read for lack of anywhere else to go. The other element that enables the parenting system to function is that it’s done pretty much universally in France. While it may seem restrictive, you know you won’t be tempted with a plate of cookies at one o’clock in the afternoon since nobody would expect to be served food.
If you’ve read the book, I’d be interested in your comments. Would/do you feel guilty going back to work? Do you find it difficult to get decent childcare? Could you see your kids sitting down for a meal of chicken cordon bleu with trifle sauce instead of chicken nuggets? Thank you, Melanie! Au revior for now.
Melanie Lewis is the mother of 2 boys ages 5 and 8. She is married and works part-time as Silpada representative and a weight loss consultant. She enjoys book club, and playing with her Blue-mitted Ragdoll, Percy and Golden Retriever, Rosie. She can be reached at [email protected].