Cantankerously Yours
20 Years of Perfidy. And Counting.
By Wendell Abern
Dear Outraged,
In 1991, People Magazine published its first list of the 50 most beautiful people in the world.
I was not included.
Nor was I named in any of the annual issues thereafter until 2008, when the editors increased their list to 100.
And I was still not selected.
This month, the 20th year of such lists, I am excluded once again.
I have been protesting these egregious oversights annually, and now it is clear the magazine is striking back. In the slick, behind-the-scenes way that powerful media frequently operates, I have reason to believe the editors of this magazine have poisoned some of the world’s most influential movers and shakers against me.
I have not, for example, been asked to run for president by either the Democrats or Republicans. I was not invited to the royal wedding.
And I have not been asked to star in a movie with Jennifer Lopez, the magazine’s selection as the most beautiful woman in the world.
This last insult – the most stinging of all – confirms that I am not just being paranoid. Anyone who has read my column in the past several years knows how many times I have praised – nay, fawned over! – the beauty and allure of Jennifer Lopez. Obviously, the magazine has retaliated by conspiring with producers and movie studios to make sure I am not even called for an audition to be her leading man … then thumbed their noses at me with their selection of her as the world’s most beautiful woman.
Okay, editors, I get it. You wanna play dirty? You’re on.
Page 62 – More Jennifer Lopez.
Her family has taught her that beauty comes from the inside out. Says Ms. Lopez, “I’ve always felt that real beauty comes from your heart.”
Plagiarism! I accuse you of blatant, outright plagiarism! You have manipulated Jennifer Lopez to elicit from her the exact sentence I have always used to impugn your choices! “Real beauty comes from the heart?”
I have protested your choices for years with those precise words. You have undoubtedly read some of my columns and are now plagiarizing my phrases yourselves, probably under the guise of “research.”
Page 63 – Yet even more Jennifer Lopez.
“Women always kind of tell me … your skin looks amazing.”
Amazing? Without one single blemish? Where’s the “inside-out” beauty in that? The “real” person? The character!
Character happens to be where I excel. Even myopic editors such as you would marvel at the unique character and beautiful singularity of my skin. I have sprouted so many warts, bumps and liver spots that when I took my grandchildren to the zoo last month, the spotted leopard started flirting with me.
Page 69. Half Their Age.
Incredibly, you have devoted five pages to women who admittedly look half their age.
Of course they do. If you listed the names of all the moisturizers, creams, eyeliners, lip balms, powders, blushes and lotions they used, you’d need to publish another special issue of this magazine. (Note that I have discreetly made no mention of plastic surgery.)
But is “half their age” a genuine criterion of beauty?
Because you have ignored me all these years, I find myself yet again in the uncomfortable position of shamelessly and immodestly pointing out my own spectacular features. We’re talking beauty of unmatched character here. Character! Remember that word? That’s what beauty is all about.
Please examine my photo adjoining this column. You won’t be able to see the wrinkles, mottled skin, turkey wattle and hemi-facial tic … but please note the pronounced asymmetry and drooping mouth. Is that gorgeous, or what? I’ll have you know I just turned 78, and have been told my many that I don’t look a day over 76.
Page 81 – Jessica Simpson, singer, fashion mogul.
“I like my nose because there’s a bump in it.”
What? One bump? That’s something to like? If you look closely at my photo again, you might be able to detect a nose that has been broken four times. In fact, my misshapen schnozz has created so many curves and loops inside my nose that an ENT specialist told me my deviated septum looked like a snake in heat.
Page 93 – Beautiful Minds.
You lead off this section with, “A recent scientific study found that pretty people tend to have higher IQs.”
Excuse me for asking a question that will expose your non-sequitur logic, but what does a high IQ have to do with a beautiful mind?
A beautiful mind is, obviously, a mind filled with beautiful thoughts. Given that as the proper definition, I hereby challenge anyone you have named to match these dazzling images coursing through my mind this very moment:*
Huge slabs of barbecued ribs; a 16-ounce ribeye steak; double cheeseburgers, stretching to infinity; a 24-ounce porterhouse steak;
two-inch thick lamb chops; apple pies, still warm from the oven; a
32-ounce sirloin steak, and a two-foot tall hot fudge sundae.
Go ahead, selectees. Try matching those.
*(Since this is a family publication, I have refrained from mentioning all thoughts of carnal depravity regarding every female in this publication.)
Page 104 – Jennifer Garner, Advocate for Save the Children.
“I don’t believe we have to accept childhood poverty as an unsolvable problem.”
Actually, I salute Jennifer Garner. And I cite this quote for an important reason: I don’t want anyone to misunderstand the way Save the Children works, as I did when my wife first told me about the organization years ago.
She said, “We can support a child overseas for only fifteen dollars a month.” I said, “Terrific. Let’s send our kids to Bulgaria for ten years.” But that missed the point, you see. And I don’t want anyone else to make the same mistake.
P. 115 – Kaley Cuoco, actress, “Big Bang Theory.”
“I do like my lips. People are always asking me if I got them injected, so I feel like they’re plump enough.”
Oh, please. Like “plump” is a yardstick of some kind. My lips may look like just standard variety, but when unleashed, could give a hickey to New Hampshire.
* * *
Okay, editors, chew on that for a while. And if you think this is a spirited attack, wait’ll you see what happens next year if you don’t call me for a photo op.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].