A License That Comes With Age: Giving Advice
Dear Bumpkins,
I have always felt that I am fairly intellig
ent. And even though I have been doling out suggestions and advice to friends and relatives since I was nine years old, no one has ever listened to me.
Well, I’m now 80 years old, and I’ve decided … to hell with everyone. My age entitles me to impart my wisdom to people whether they ask me for it or not.
So I am devoting this column to advising members of my own gender. And if you gentlemen choose not to heed my remarkable kernels of wisdom, you may well commit some of the same embarrassing and stupid blunders I have. And it will serve you right.
First of all, guys, accept the fact that when it comes to male-female relationships, the dumbest woman in the world knows more than the smartest man. And face the fact, once and for all, that women are smarter than we are.
Oh, stop grousing. I have 80 years of pratfalls and pitfalls to support this claim. Read. Learn. Avoid.
1 – To young guys in their early teens.
Today, with Facebook, chat pages, blogs and other Internet sites, it’s fairly easy to make first contact with that cute girl sitting next to you in history class. But there comes a time when you want to make a phone call. Terrifying.
At the age of thirteen, when I had decided to call Jackie — the beautiful, popular Jackie — I asked my good friend Lou how to get started. He said, “Make a list of topics to talk about.” I tried. I couldn’t think of anything besides the Chicago White Sox.
“Terrific,” Lou said. “I’m sure she can’t wait to talk about the Chicago White Sox.”
“But I know about them. I can talk about them.”
“So what? She’s a girl, peabrain! What’s she gonna do? Ask you who’s playing shortstop? Look, forget the list. Here’s what you do. Break the ice by saying something unexpected when she answers.”
I called, and when Jackie answered, I said, “Hi Jackie, this is Clark Gable.” The response was a deep sigh and an impatient, “Who is this?” I told her I was Lou. She said she was busy and couldn’t talk. Lou has never forgiven me.
Lesson. Learn from a peabrain. Make a list. A smart list. Negative on wrestlemania, monster truck rallies and the Playmate of the Month.
2 – You’ve been in a relationship for several years.
Consider the following scenario:
You’re driving somewhere with your significant other sitting beside you. You pull up at a stop light and notice a gorgeous blonde in the car next to you. She’s an absolute bombshell. You can’t take your eyes off her.
Dummy! Guess who’s sitting right next to you?
The light changes. You drive off. You get to your destination and park. And now, five minutes later, she will turn and ask, “Did you find her attractive?” And of course, you will pretend innocence by asking, “Who?”
This is when she will get out, slam the door and accuse you, rightfully, of being stupid because you think she is.
Lesson: Women come equipped with special intuitive genes, ESP, and eyes in back of their heads. Ergo: you can never get away with anything.
3 – The woman is out of your league.
Happens occasionally to most guys. If you’re lucky. Happened to me several years ago when my cousin — who was in the Naval reserves — asked if I would take his fiancee to dinner while he was on a two-week training program.
Of course! I would take Connie to Patagonia, let alone dinner! Fortunately, he asked me over the phone so he couldn’t see me slobbering. The word “gorgeous” did not do her justice. To this day, Connie, for reasons still unknown to me, teaches elementary school instead of starring in movies.
When you take a knockout like Connie to dinner, there comes a glorious moment when you walk through the restaurant with her and become The Invisible Man. Every pair of eyes in the place followed Connie as she went to our table. No one even knew I was there until I sat down. I chuckled. Gloated. Smirked. It was that delicious moment when I knew everyone in the restaurant was thinking, “What the hell is she doing with him?”
Now read and learn, guys. When you are with a stunning woman, just be yourself! I wish someone had given me that advice. Instead, I decided to morph into Sam Smooth.
The waiter came to take our drink order. Connie ordered the house wine. In a very suave, debonair tone, I ordered the house diet cola.
Connie chortled. Not good. Chortles are only good when they are with you and not because of you. And even then, my faux pas could have been quickly overlooked if the waiter hadn’t compounded my idiocy by saying, “Yes sir, what year?”
Lesson: Do not risk being called Carl Cannonmouth the rest of your life. Learn to keep your mouth shut.
4 – Internet Dating.
I told my kids I was going to check out “Dating for Seniors.”
I shared with them my first message: “Elderly; fit-looking for attractive woman interested in a meaningless relationship.”
Haven’t heard the end of it. My kids, terrified they really do carry my genes, have signed up for DNA testing.
Lesson: Do not share your romantic quests with your kids. Let them think you’re doddering.
5 – To all men of all ages.
Whether your relationship with your woman is brand new or decades old, this will always work:
Never be horizontal when she is vertical.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].