Cantankerously Yours
From 100 columns: My Crankiest Moments
By Wendell Abern
Dear Readers,
My column has been appearing in sundry South Florida publications since April, 2001. Nine and one-half years. Due to vacations, a few repeats, publication requirements, etc., this publication marks my 100th column.
To celebrate, I decided my centennial column should be a compilation of some of my most cantankerous moments. And so, I combed through my files, and in an act of blatant, unbridled egotism, I present here some choice curmudgeonly moments, with brief summaries.
1 – From, “People Magazine Keeps Its Streak Alive,” May 2005.
Annually, I write an angry open letter to the editors of People, protesting my exclusion from their list of the world’s most beautiful people, and citing my many qualifications, such as …
Complexion. I call your attention to actress Katharine McPhee’s comments: “I admire people with beautiful skin, so I really like getting compliments on my own skin.”
Assuming Ms. McPhee’s definition of “beautiful skin” is the same as mine, she would turn chartreuse with envy if she saw my back. I have so many growths, bumps and funny black marks that last Tuesday my neighbor’s Dalmatian tried to mate with me.
2 – From, “Create Your Own Phone Menus, July 2006.”
Fed up with recorded phone menus, I proposed retaliation, making Caller ID the only requisite:
Create your own phone menu! Simply type up what you want to say and then read from it when your victim phones. Custom-tailor as many menus as you want! And waste your callers’ time by making them phone you twice.
I created my first phone menu after calling my former neurologist — fondly referred to here as Dr. Peabrain. First, I spent four minutes On Hold; then I was transferred to a menu with eight options; then to a sub-menu with six options; then to the voice mail of Nasal Nodes Nora, the doctor’s nurse, and finally, to a recorded message saying, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and dial your operator.” Followed by a dial tone.
I called back, left a message on Nora’s voice mail, typed up a menu, and eagerly awaited the return call.
The phone rang. My Caller ID panel indicated Dr. Peabrain’s office. I picked up the phone and said, “Izzy and Mo’s Delicatessen.”
A female voice said, “Who ?”
I said, “Dis is Mo, you vanta nice corned beef on rye, ve got a special, $4.95 vidda pickle and a lotka, couldn’t beat it.” She hung up. Outstanding. She called back immediately.
This time I read from my prepared menu: “Caller ID indicates this is Dr. Peabrain’s office. If this is Cindy in Medical Records, the Cleveland Clinic is still waiting for you to send them Mr. Wilson’s hemorrhoid tissue. If this is Sue at the front desk, please go into the reception room immediately and collect a urine sample from everyone. If this is Nora, everyone is laughing at what you wore to work today.”
She hung up. The coward.
3 – From “Agents,” Feb. 2008.
This column, in stage play-type format, protested the proliferation of agents, who make their living by exploiting the talents of just about anyone. After accusing the agent world of a lack of imagination, I proposed they start representing astronauts, baby-sitters, and psychiatrists …
Page 3
SCENE: Psychiatrist’s Office
AGENT (PERCHED OVER SMALL CALCULATOR) Okay, now how much are you getting right now for, say, your everyday, run-of-the-mill neurotic?
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, I charge most of my patients $150 an hour. But some can’t afford —
AGENT: Won’t work, doc. Gotta be $200 an hour, minimum. Otherwise, we don’t make enough money.
PSYCHIATRIST: We?
AGENT: Now for your basic manic-depressives, we’ll charge $400 ‘cause you’re seein’ both a manic and a depressive, right?
PSYCHIATRIST: I don’t think —
AGENT: Maybe we’ll give ‘em a special discount, $350 for the two of them, howzat? Now (STARTS POUNDING ON CALCULATOR), for multiple personalities, we give ‘em a big break. Only $100 an hour per head, up to ten different personalities.
PSYCHIATRIST: Per head? They’re not cattle.
AGENT: (UNPERTURBED, POUNDING AWAY ON CALCULATOR) Eleven to 25 people, you come down to $75 an hour per head. More ‘n 25 personalities, they get a big break, only $50 an hour each. You’re practically givin’ it away.
PSYCHIATRIST: Um … can I get back to you on this?
AGENT: (PICKING UP CALCULATOR AND SLIPPING IT INTO BRIEFCASE) Sure, doc, sure. You got my card, call me. (GETS UP TO LEAVE) Office, fax, cell, whatever. Sooner you call, sooner we start pullin’ in the big bucks. (EXITS)
4 – From “Holiday Greetings, 2002.”
Each year, I make a list of people I feel are especially deserving of carefully chosen holiday gifts. Here are a few from one of my earliest such annual columns. (NOTE: I would list the same gifts today.)
To Major League Baseball, Basketball and Football Players:
A special pennant to fly atop your custom-designed, 97-foot luxury yachts that sleep fourteen. The pennant will be inscribed, “I don’t play for money. I play to win.”
To Militant Zealots:
Lifetime membership in I.B.T. Inc. (International Bible Thumpers, Inc.), which encourages its members to use quotes from The Bible in order to validate personal prejudices.
To young drivers with specially-equipped car radio speakers:
A citation from the Federal Aviation Agency, stating, “Due to recently- enacted noise abatement laws, your car has been denied permission to land at any airfield in South Florida.”
5 – From, “Private Conversations, Public Places,” September, 2006.
I didn’t think it possible for me to discover any new cantankerous buttons to be pushed – until someone invented the cellphone.
Large waiting room. Free coffee. TV set tuned to an innocuous soap opera. Six or seven people waiting quietly. Except for the young woman talking into her cell, completely oblivious to the rest of us, and complaining in a husky, musky voice about her three-year old. I sat with pen poised over my crossword puzzle, waiting, hoping – and suddenly Her Obnoxiousness uttered The Magic Words: “Here, let me give you my cellphone number.”
Quickly, I jotted the number down, ambled out of the waiting room, stepped outside and yanked out my cellphone. I dialed her number.
“Hello,” the husky voice said.
“Yeah, we’d like two orders of egg roll and a large moo-goo gai pan,” I said.
“Who is this?”
“And don’t forget the fortune cookies. Last time you left out the fortune cookies.”
She hung up. But I still call her every now and then. Last week, I found her line open and asked if she was paying too much for automobile insurance. She hung up before I could make my pitch.
Choosing these specific columns proved more difficult than I thought.
Unfortunately, I had to exclude my many tributes to Florida drivers, the medical profession, shoppers who send cashiers for cigarettes, and some of my other favorite targets. Ah well, there is plenty of time to nail them in the months to come.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].