October, 2013 – The phrase, “Air costs,” is not an oxymoron

Dear Fellow Breathers,

Last week, before driving over to Naples, I decided to fill my gas tank and my tires.

I went to my local station which provides air from what looks like a sawed-off gas pump. The air hose is attached to the other side of a car vacuum machine (courtesy of Commercial Vacuum, Inc.). The machine requires $1.25 (quarters only) for a three-minute vacuum.  The air is free.

Rather, it used to be.

To my utter astonishment, I now had to pay 75 cents for air.

I had to pay for air!

I took a deep breath and looked around, curious to see if anyone would come charging at me, insisting I pay for the air I was inhaling. I was safe. No one lurking.

I fed the machine its three quarters, simultaneously unleashing a stream of epithets rarely heard outside of locker rooms or divorce courts.

I was paying for air!

I decided to see if my station was some kind of exception, and checked out five other stations. I discovered that Commercial Vacuum has a competitor! At two stations, a company called Ase Communications was also charging 75 cents for air and $1.25 for the vacuum. Two others had the same air/vac pump as my station. The fifth was offering free air … but their pump was broken.

The phrase, “Air costs” was no longer an oxymoron!

On my 90-minute drive across Alligator Alley, it became clear to me what the future holds. One can easily envision headlines, articles and television news reports in the coming months and years:

January, 2014, from the Miami Herald.

GRAD STUDENTS SUE AIR/VACUUM COMPANIES

Two recent graduates from the University of Miami recently filed an anti-trust  lawsuit against Commercial Vacuum, Inc. and Ase Communications, accusing the air-vac companies of being “air criminals,” and claiming they are in violation of the Sherman Anti-Trust Law.

“These companies have established a monopoly on the distribution and provision of air,” the students’ attorney told reporters on the steps of the South Florida federal building. “My clients are confident they can supply air to automobile and bicycle owners at half the price the current corporations are charging, but every device they have developed to do so infringes on the patents held by their competitors.”

When contacted, lawyers for both companies scoffed, deeming the lawsuit “infantile,” and sent each of the grad students a box of Pampers.

March 2014, from the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel.

AIR SUPPLY VS. AIR SUPPLY

Three Chicago suburbanite retirees, who recently incorporated a new enterprise under the name, “Air Supply,” were immediately hit with a lawsuit by the soft rock group of the same name.

“This is a clear case of exploitation,” a spokesman for the musical group contended. “It is shameful, outrageous and, we believe, illegal.”

“Of course it’s an exploitation!” the fledgling corporation’s lawyer responded heatedly. “Of course my clients wanted to capitalize on the name. But what are these songbirds crying about?  We’re giving them mountains of free publicity!  Twelve- and fourteen- and sixteen-year old kids didn’t even know they existed until my clients re-ignited their popularity! This is absurd. All those musicians provide is  music, all my clients provide is air. The plaintiff’s lawsuit is idiotic.”

The attorney also denied as a vicious rumor that his clients intended to override the singing group’s website audio segments with Lawrence Welk recordings.

June 2014, from NBC network news.

The Department of Transportation, recently named as federal oversight regulator of air prices, announced today that the cost of air has hit a new all-time high, with the national average price now at $2.38 per fill-up.

“As we prepare for the busy summer travel season,” a department spokesman told NBC, “we expect to see a twenty-five to thirty-five cent increase across the country.”

The DOT report does not include the state of Florida, where figures remain inconclusive because so many consumers cannot remember where they obtained their air or how much they paid for it.

December 2014, local news

Well, it used to be that “air war” meant a battle between fighter planes. But two Pompano Beach mothers, Karen and Susie, have given a whole new meaning to the phrase, thanks to the air enterprises their daughters recently began.

We cannot give last names at this time, but it seems that Karen’s daughter, an enterprising ten-year old, branched out from her lemonade stand with an air fill-up station, filling bicycle tires with her own air pump for fifteen cents per fill-up.

When Susie’s daughter, a close friend and also ten years old, saw the kind of success Karen was having, she set up a competing stand across the street, offering a BOGO:  fill one tire for ten cents, get the other tire filled free.

Karen’s daughter responded by giving away free balloons at her stand.  That’s when the mothers got involved.

Karen confronted Susie in the produce section of a neighborhood Publix super market. “My daughter was there first!” Karen complained loud enough for all shoppers to hear. “Your daughter could have set up her station a block away.”

“Oh, please,” Susie shouted back. “This is just free enterprise. My daughter can set up her stand anywhere she wants.”

The argument became very  heated, and before store security could restore order, Karen had launched a barrage of tomatoes, and Susie was retaliating with heads of Romaine lettuce.

No one was hurt, but when asked about the melee, one security officer said, “I got a little nervous when the one was going to stab the other with a carrot.”

*        *        *

By the time I arrived in Naples, I had conjured up a dozen more scenarios.  At this point, all I can do is wonder if we will all end up paying as much for air as we do for water.

Cantankerously Yours,
 
Wendell Abern