Cantankerously Yours

Eighth Annual Scroogie Awards

By Wendell Abern 

Dear Revelers,

Happy holidays to you all! Scroogies are awards I inaugurated in 2006, as an homage to my idol and favorite role model, Ebeneezer Scrooge. This happens to be my favorite column to write all year, because I don’t feel constrained to be funny — merely nasty.

I award Scroogies only to those who have proved themselves worthy through acts of inconsiderateness, boorishness, stupidity, arrogance, or any other trait that just plain rankles me and deserves my curmudgeonly wrath.

And each year, I confront the same major problem: hundreds of worthy candidates, limited space to include them all. Following are this year’s very  deserving winners:

       1 – The Tea Party, their backers, and their constituency.

For the first time, I am awarding multiple Scroogies, including to thousands of people I will never meet, and whose names I don’t know.

However, they are all deserving. Tea Party candidates, political blackmailers who employ Capone-ian tactics and embrace draconian beliefs, have already revealed themselves as worthy.

As for their followers, who could be more deserving of Scroogies than voters who support Twenty-first Century candidates espousing Nineteenth-Century principles?

        2 – Spirit Airlines.

This is Spirit’s second Scroogie, and few who were considered could match Spirit’s credentials.

I am certain Spirit ran an employees-only contest to see who could create the world’s first oxymoron website:  effective, but dysfunctional.

You can find the answers to any questions about Spirit when you type in, “Spiritairlines.com.” … but only after navigating for a minimum of ten minutes.

I believe the wizard who created this website – clearly a genius – was then promoted to Executive Vice President in charge of Communications, where he devised the only phone system in the world with a complete absence of human beings.

This is not an exaggeration. I challenge you to call 1-801-401-2200, or their Customer Assistance number, 1-801-401-2220, and begin following their seven or eight menu instructions (each of which has seven or eight sub-menus). If you ever reach a human being, please call me at once and tell me how you did it.

Now obviously, I am not the only one to experience these frustrations. Nor the only one to complain. Enter:  the new Executive Vice President in charge of Communications! He (or she) came up with an unheard-of contest: special rates and special deals for those who write the best letters on why they hate Spirit Airlines!

When  I read about this in the newspaper, I was convinced the Vice President in Charge of Aggravating me had changed jobs, and was now a special consultant to the president of Spirit Airlines.

But I checked; he was still working for the Veteran’s Administration. I called the VA and confirmed he was still there, fouling up prescriptions ordered from their website, and instructing everyone to never answer a telephone.

3 – The Veteran’s Administration.

See point number two. (Aside:  this is the VA’s third Scroogie, making them an automatic candidate for the Scroogie Hall of Fame.)

4 – News Anchors.

There is no such word as, “shtrict;” the word, “strict,” does not have an “h” in it.

There is no such word as, “shtrenth.” The word, “strength,” does not have an “h” in it; it does, however, have a “g.”

I watch a lot of newscasts and a lot of ball games, and realized long ago that it is too much to expect professional athletes to be able to pronounce words properly or conjugate verbs.  But somehow I thought professional newscasters knew something about our language.

In addition to the above pronunciation gaffes, these statements actually occurred on local news broadcasts this year:

“He shouldn’t have went that way.”

“Do you think she actually should have did that?”

I have deliberately omitted the names of the guilty broadcasters, graciously protecting my editors from law suits, ulcers and heartburn.

Aside: For all of you who intend to send me an e-mail protesting that not all athletes are “dumb jocks,” and that many finished college, please explain to me how they obtained their degrees.

5 – Elderly drivers.

Yeah, yeah, I know all about the fact that I’m 81 years old and drive all over South Florida. However, unlike many of my compatriots, I actually know how to drive.

Meanwhile, there are a gazillion older drivers down here who never exceed twelves miles an hour; I know that for a fact because I’ve driven behind every one of them.

I believe it should be mandatory for anyone over the age of 65 to take an on-the-road driver’s test. Every three days.

6 – Technology Whizzes.

Stop.  Or at least slow down a bit.

Okay, granted, I do not belong in this century. In fact, I need a dictionary just to understand the new language borne of your inventions. I still think a curser is someone who swears a lot; that a mouse is something that terrified my mother; that a bite is something you take out of a cheeseburger.

But look at the society you electronic superstars have given us!  Walk down the street, and you’ll see people wearing earplugs and gazing ahead absently; others holding small tablets and working their thumbs furiously. It looks like the whole world is acting in a science fiction movie.

And look what’s happening as a result. Cars are being recalled by the thousands; space rockets are exploding in mid-air; applicances are breaking down; airbags are blowing up. We can’t fix things as fast as you’re creating them!

Keep it up, and by the middle of this century, we’ll be able to grow up, get a full education, go to graduate school, work full-time and retire, without ever leaving home!

Take a break already.  Go on vacation for a year or something.  Or join the Tea Party, and you’ll never again have to worry about coming up with anything new.

Cantankerously Yours,

Wendell Abern

Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@gmail.com.