Cantankerously Yours
Yoga Positions, Curmudgeon-Modified
By Wendell Abern
Dear Yogaphiles,
Since I became a widower almost three years ago, my kids – both of whom live in Chicago – have been behaving like remote control nannies.
One of them calls every night. My son nags me endlessly about my eating habits. I thought I had him mollified when I assured him I had cut down on eating red meat to only two times day. But now he’s on a new kick, insisting that I inject fish into my diet more often than once a year. I have stubbornly held out. But every week I get an e-mail with a recipe for tilapia. Or grouper. Or some other slithery thing from the sea.
My daughter is even worse. She constantly harps about staying in good shape, knowing full well I am philosophically opposed to physical exercise of any kind. She goes running. Running, for God’s sake! Her latest kick: bicycling. She bought a second-hand bicycle at a yard sale. Next thing I know, she’ll be cycling to Bolivia.
But her worst nudging concerns yoga.
“You’ve gotta try it, dad,” I’ve heard a thousand times. “It has worked wonders for me. Helps my back. Helps my sinus problems. Helps anything that hurts! And it gives me peace of mind. Just try it.”
In an effort to shut her up once and for all, I visited Google and typed in, “Yoga positions,” and was informed: 2,630,000 results.
I selected one site arbitrarily, which includes descriptions and illustrations of dozens of positions. I selected one described as, “One of the most widely recognized yoga poses: Downward-Facing Dog.”
I tried it. I bent over, keeping my knees straight, elevating my rear skyward and stretching my arms way out in front and leaning on my hands. I now looked like a giant triangle. After holding the pose for about a minute, I realized something: I couldn’t get up.
Reluctant to lowering myself onto my tendonitis-prone knees, I decided to simply tip over gently onto my side. This worked splendidly, except for the two cracked ribs.
I pored over other poses and was struck by the impossibilities of the majority of them. Especially positions such as, “Hanumanasana, or Monkey Pose.” Hanuman, a figure in Hindu mythology, literally means having large jaws. To even attempt this pose – stretching out one’s legs until they are both completely parallel to the ground – would clearly result in an emergency room visit for me.
I then looked at “King Pigeon,” “Cow Face,” “Heron,” and others, and made a quick observation: there are 206 bones in the human body, and most of these poses are designed for people with only 138.
More importantly, yoga positions assume an entirely new way of life. And a new way of thinking about life. Fine for some people. But I get a bit irascible when someone or some belief implies my lifestyle needs changing.
So I decided to create some of my own yoga positions, designed especially for people my age who are relatively content with life, and have a tendency to get a bit cranky now and then. To wit:
Crane Posing on Bent Leg Pose.
For men only. This position, to be attempted only while lying prone on one side, requires you to raise one leg in a fetal position, thereby permitting you to watch a ball game on TV while telling your wife you can’t mow the lawn because you sprained your ankle.
Giraffe Reaching for a Fig Pose.
Important for a family dinner at an expensive restaurant. Crane your neck as if looking around for someone you know, then deftly slip the check in front of your cheap brother-in-law.
Smiling Hyena Pose.
Another pose created specifically for eating out at restaurants. After telling pushy progeny you are going to have trout almondine for dinner, smile smugly and order a double cheeseburger.
Laughing Hyena Pose.
Same as above when ordering two double cheeseburgers.
Chimp Hugging Himself Pose.
Critical when riding shotgun with Aunt Millie, who should have given up driving when she smashed through her garage door because she forgot to open it on the way to her 98th birthday party.
Frog Splayed Out on a Lily Pad Pose.
Lie down flat on your tummy, spread out your arms and legs, relax and take a one-hour nap. Then tell your spouse you have done your stretching exercises for the day.
Impatient Kangaroo Pose.
For women only. Cross your arms and tap your foot menacingly. Appropriate for any woman after visiting a hairdresser and then asking her husband: “Notice anything new?”
Nodding Canary Pose.
From an ancient Hebrew tradition. Sit quietly and nod your head back and forth slowly in order to prepare yourself emotionally for stressful events, such as the annual Yom Kippur dinner with Aunt Bertha, who always insists on bringing the brisket, which is stringy and overdone.
Hiding Turtle Pose.
While sitting or lying down, cross your arms, cover your ears, shut your eyes, pull your legs up close to your body and try to make yourself into a very small ball in an attempt to shut out the rest of the world. Extemely useful when listening to political commercials.
* * *
Okay, it’s a work in progress. But I’ve become very enthused about future possibilities. Right now, I’m sitting in a restaurant assuming the “Smiling Hyena” pose because I’ve just called my son and told him I’m having Flounder Piccata for dinner, and am waiting for my order of Cheesy Double Beef Burritos.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].