As I Was Saying

Curling Up With a Good TV Show

By Alan Williamson

FACT: Americans on average watch close to four hours of TV a day.

FACT: Those who skimp on personal hygiene and sleep are able to increase their TV viewing to over six hours a day.

FACT: Overuse of the word “fact” as an attention-getter causes readers to glaze over and wonder what’s on TV.

          I was wondering the same thing as I restlessly whooshed through my 132 channels the other night. I slowed down just often enough to stumble on the following actual examples of inspired TV programming for highly selective viewers like myself.

• There are at least four shows where people redecorate a room in someone’s home without permission while the homeowners are away.  The home design hit squad – which appears to include a helpful neighbor or relative with a spare key — makes intuitive decisions about what the homeowner would really like. Of course, how can they go wrong choosing a wallpaper border with dancing broccoli spears on it or a shade of pink paint that resembles professional strength drain declogger?
• Then there’s a program where has-been celebrities live together in a lavish house and try to get the best of each other during various games, activities and testy verbal exchanges. The exposure they gain may be their ticket back from oblivion because, be honest: Don’t you secretly miss the chick with the glasses from Beverly Hills 90210 or the rapper who had that one hit song 13 years ago?
• Another show has people sharing the details of their juiciest dreams and receiving expert analysis on what they mean. Interpretations range from not having gotten laid since the Reagan administration to being a woman trapped inside a man’s body. Either way, tough luck Gunther, and please enjoy these lovely unisex parting gifts.

          As a man with a finger on the pulse of pop culture and another finger on the remote, I see what’s going on here. We don’t want TV shows that just provide diversion or entertainment. We hunger for programming that expands our view of the world and ourselves and enriches our lives.  With that in mind, I offer my fellow viewers a bold new wave of breakthrough shows whose time has come.

Dancing Down the Stairs. Riding the coattails of Dancing with the Stars, this riveting spin-off features B-list celebrities attempting to gracefully waltz, salsa, tango, fox trot and rumba their way down one of those elevated grand staircases that are part of the set design on many award shows. Demanding a blend of dancing skills, athleticism and coordination, contestants are judged on how smoothly they descend the stairs while maintaining the integrity of the designated dance style. Points are deducted each time a celebrity stumbles or falls and any fall resulting in a loss of consciousness (no matter how brief) is cause for automatic elimination.   

Beyond Cell Range. This heart-stopping drama chronicles the plight of cell phone users who drift outside of call range for up to an hour at a time. Where are they? When will they resurface? Have they been abducted? If not, why aren’t they answering their frickin phone? Mysteries abound in this chilling depiction of high anxiety in a high tech world. Episode 1: Billy Ray goes ice fishing.

Lotsa Lotto. Patterned after The Weather Channel, this 24/7 resource keeps tabs on lottery developments throughout the country. Updates point out trends to keep on eye on such as “large jackpots are forming in the Ohio Valley and Mid-Atlantic States, and the numbers 19 and 41 have been popping up in drawings in Florida, Tennessee and Texas.”

Food for Thought. Say goodbye to cooking shows with elaborate recipes for curried goat jambalaya and marbleized mocha tarts. What America craves is a no-fuss show about food too fascinating to eat. Don’t miss the Idaho grandma with the collection of potato chips that resemble Biblical figures. Or the Vermont CPA with the giant zucchini he used to hit the winning homer in the merchants and vendors softball game.

The Rumor Mill. At last, a one-stop shop for unconfirmed scuttlebutt where one can hear who might be hot, cold, gay, broke, canned, banned, fed up, strung out, caught red handed or down for the count. For the latest news on Charlie Sheen or Amy Winehouse keep it right here!

The Yellow Smiley Face News Hour. Nightly news can be grim at worst; uncertain at best. Things will seem a bit less troubling when reported by TV news anchors wearing yellow smiley face masks. Picture this being read by Mr. Smiley: “Health care costs are up, the stock market is down, and global warming has raised the temperature under my mask 1 degree in the past hour.” See? Much better, right?

          If you’re worried that all this innovative programming could increase your idle time, ask yourself one question. In the final hours of your life, do you really want to look back with regret and think I wish I had watched more TV?

          All right then. Now hand me that remote and stop fidgeting.

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Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at [email protected].  © 2010 Alan Williamson.