February, 2012 – A Way to Save “Lost Humor”

Cantankerously Yours

A Way to Save “Lost Humor”

By Wendell Abern

Dear Humor Buffs,

          About a year ago, I wrote a column entitled, “Humor, It Shouldn’t Get Lost,” lamenting the disappearance of Jewish humor.  The column pointed out that many of the old Jewish comics had died, along with their particular brand of comedy – which featured a heavy old-country accent and strange sentence structures.

          “Hebonics,” as Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University termed the unusual sentence contructions used by immigrants, continues to wilt because Jewish immigration has trickled to almost nothing. Further, assimilation has limited those endearing old accents to a diminishing number of comedians.

          Interestingly, I received several e-mails from readers who shared my feelings of loss.

          Now I am proposing a resurrection of this waning humor that fits right in with today’s digital age:  recorded messages with Jewish accents!

          We all spend inordinate amounts of time on hold, listening to recorded voices, or hearing a message delivered by one of today’s whizbang electronic products.  Why not hire a few of those comedians to give us a few chuckles while we wait?

          And so, with an assist from many Jewish writers and comedians, I offer the following.

          1 – Recording for a credit card company.

“ABC Credit Card, please tap out your ten-digit card number, using the numbers on your phone.  (PAUSE)  Okay, you vanta know your balance?  Please hold.  (PAUSE)  Oy vay, you don’t vanta hear that.  Vait a tsecond, I’ll get you a macher, could help you.”

          2 – Recording for a middle-aged woman.

          “You called to ask about my heartburn, maybe?  My sciatica?  Or my root canal from yesterday, cost me you vouldn’t believe.  Vait’ll you hear vot else is happening to my body.  Leave a number and don’t visper, I can’t find my hearing aid.”

          3 – Option for a middle-aged woman.

          “Whoever is calling, I have new pictures of my grandchildren, you vouldn’t believe how gorgeous.  If dis is my sister, I vanta hear all about our cousin Sarah and vot married guy dat tramp is mixed up vit now.  If dis is my son, calling from colletch for the first time since Yom Kippur, vich vas two months ago, I vill tell you vun more time.  Stop playing sports.  Be a sports doctor.”

          4 – Opinionated option for any Jewish woman.    

“If dis is dat anti-abortionist group calling vunce again to kvetch, I vill tell you vunce and for all – life begins for my children ven dey graduate medical school.”

          5 – Recording for mother with a popular teen-age daughter.

          “If dis happens to be the hoo-hah vunder boy I keep hearing about,  takes my daughter to a deli and puts mayonnaise on a pastrami sandvich, ven you come pick her up dis veekend, I vanta meet you, and I vanta see a  copy of your grade point average, your family tree and a recent urine test.

And leave a number for a phone, a real one, not one of those cellthings.”

          6 – Recording for any mother who has offspring at college.

          “If this happens to be my son or daughter calling from colletch, it’s been a long time, you didn’t vonder if I’m dead yet?  Anyvun else, at least you know I’m alive, please leave a number.”

          7 – Recording for an older man living alone.

          “If dis is my ex-vife, not a penny more.  If dis is my second ex-vife,

not a penny more.  If dis is my t’oid ex-vife, not a penny more.  If dis is dat cockamamie collection soivice again, maybe you finally get the picture.  Othervise, leave a number.”

          8 – Recording on an automobile GPS System.

          “The airport?  From your house?  Okay, foist you back out of your garage, vich you haven’t cleaned since Eisenhower left Omaha, and head south ‘til you get to Hermie and Sylvia Goldberg’s house and make a right turn.  Go to Pine Island, make a left and head south for a couple – vait, vodda you driving like a meshugenah, slow down!  Go to 595, head east and follow the signs.  Nu?  A piececake.”

          9 – Recording for an older couple.

           (MAN’S VOICE)  “You have reached Sy and Becky Ginsberg who vent out someplace because Becky said so, and Sy is a schlemiel, does votever Becky says.  Leave a number, please, and the time you called, and at our age, better leave the date too.”

          10 – Recording for any man or woman with grown children.

          “If dis is my crazy daughter calling vit some more adwice about Zen and Karma and all dose other Oriental notions, I vanta ask … if dere is no self, whose arthritis is dis?  Leave a number, please.”

          11 – Recording for a family returning from vacation.

          “Yes, ve’re back in town.  You vanta know how the wacation vas?  Vas vonderful.  Stopped at a gas station on the turnpike because all five kids had to go the bathroom at vunce.  And dere vas a line.  And dat vas the best t’ing that happened.  You vanta here more, leave a number.”

                                                *        *        *

          Of course, these are just the initial suggestions.  Over the course of this year, I’m sure others will occur. 

          But before I sign off, I must give credit to my daughter, who was kind of an inspiration for this column.  My daughter has been leaving funny messages on her answering machine for many years.

          Her best was about twenty years ago, when her answering machine said, “Hi.  This is Amy.  I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m ovulating.”

          Frankly, I’ve never been able to top that.

          Cantankerously Yours,

          Wendell Abern

Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].