As I Was Saying
Stray Thoughts: The Facebook Postings, Vol. II
By Alan Williamson
Occasionally someone will come up to me and say, “Alan, why don’t you gather some of your more thoughtful Facebook postings and present them in a column for people to enjoy over a cinnamon bun or some flatbread crackers?” My response is always the same: “Thanks, Mom, that’s very sweet of you, and you have some flatbread cracker on your chin.” Here then, without any further preamble, is my second collection of Facebook postings. Enjoy with a sensible snack and a beverage of your choosing.
People say that swimming in a lake where there’s alligators is dangerous. But I say driving a car is much more dangerous. Especially if there’s an alligator hiding in the backseat.
A good laugh significantly decreases the stress chemicals cortisol and epinephrine say researchers at Loma Linda University.
Wait . . . Loma Linda? BWA-HA-HA-HA!! (Hey it worked.)
Is the phrase “vicious cycle” or “vicious circle”? Either way, the viciousness must stop before another cycle (or circle) takes us from bad to worse. Is it “bad to worse” or “bad to worst”? You know what? Forget I even asked. This is starting to feel like a vicious circle (or cycle).
BOB – such a strange name. It’s spelled the same forward and backward and when you say it a bunch of times in a row it sounds weirder and weirder.
Soft and monotonous favorites to numb your nagging fears and doubts: You’re listening to Breezy 93.
Mahi Mahi? Sure, sure.
Who am I to ask you to quit smoking? I’m the guy who taught Tina Turner how to dance. I’m also the guy who led the National League in triples back in 1986 while playing for the Chicago White Sox. And while we’re on the subject, I’m also the guy who invented the double zipper zip lock freezer bag. So there you have it. Feeling pretty stupid about now aren’t you, tar breath?
People compare me to Matt Lauer. They say I’m no Matt Lauer.
Dear TV Answer Man: My wife and I used to enjoy a show Thursday nights on NBC called “Steinfeld” or “Seinholdt.” It featured a wacky neighbor named Cosmo and a fat guy named Newman. I believe there was also a nasally guy named Jerry. We have not seen it in quite awhile and wondered if it’s been canceled.
My podiatrist has forbidden me to run or work out until my foot heals. Also forbidden: pretending my foot has healed so I can run or work out.
Hanging with the Duke of Puddingcrust and the Countess of Chillingsfarth at Prince Harry’s after-party. Hope my regrettable behavior during a spirited game of Strip Royal Rummy will not become fodder for the tabloids.
Easy, tranquilizing favorites to quell the crazy, self-tormenting talk in your head: You’re listening to Breezy 93.
If the day ever comes where I’m sought after for product endorsements, I’d be thrilled to pitch trail mix. Also, shirts made with a blend of natural fabrics that can wick away moisture. Also, anything garlic-roasted.
March comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb, and in between features deep discounts on ham.
Who am I to ask you to quit smoking? I’m the guy who asks people things, like “what’s your middle name?” and “where do you get your sunglasses?” and “how often do you change your oil?” and “will you quit smoking?” That’s who I am.
Melancholy cow, your moo is moody now. This farm can be so hurtful, always looking for a squirtful. (From the title song off my new country music CD “Melancholy Cow.”)
A Pompano Beach, Florida man claims he’s owed money as the creator of the sporting event rallying cry “DA-DA-DA-DAT-DA-DA — CHARGE!!” Welcome to the club buddy. I’ve yet to collect a dime for my “WINNER WINNER STIR-FRY DINNER!!”
My birth certificate is available upon request. This notion that I was raised by wolves in the Ukrane is an insult to me and my parents. Aw-aw-awwooooooo!!!!
Will everyone named Terry or Jan please report to the Department of Gender Vague Identities. Ask for Pat.
Yesterday I ate Greek yogurt that was 4 days past its expiration date; today a hard boiled egg 3 days past due. That’s right people – from now on I make my own rules! Anyone got a problem with that?
Here’s a short excerpt from my new book, Killer Jellyfish of the Jersey Shore: “Aaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!”
Who am I to ask you to quit smoking? Well for one thing, I’m a live and let live kind of guy. So if I’m asking you to quit smoking, you know it must be important. Otherwise, I’d just continue with my live and let live shtick. See where I’m coming from? I don’t usually butt in. It’s not my style. Are we done here? I’m pretty sure we’re done here.
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at [email protected]. © 2011 Alan Williamson.