As I Was Saying
Resolutions 2012
By Alan Williamson
If nothing changes, nothing changes. So here are my resolutions for a better 2012. May they inspire you to find your own path of renewed purpose and personal fulfillment in the year ahead. (Or at least be grateful that you’re not me.)
Resolution # 1: I will use the power of social media to unite, enlighten and inspire people in search of greater meaning and purpose in life. I will also provide timely updates on when I’m getting my car washed, buying yogurt, growing a goatee, or thinking of throwing out old running shoes.
Resolution # 2: I will think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures. Big Thought: I must build a body of work that will reach across time and space and enrich people’s lives long after I’m gone. Small pleasure: Mmmm, sweet potato fries.
Resolution # 3: I will pick a hairstyle that works for me and stick with it over the long term. This will end my life-long experimentation with hair styles that resulted in my hitting bottom last year when I was mistaken for Art Garfunkel at a family reunion. (It changed me.)
Resolution # 4: I will approach both love and cooking with the same reckless abandon but will cut costs on both fronts by buying off-brand syrups and dipping oils.
Resolution # 5: To make the work week seem shorter and less of a grind, I will lead a historic petition of the Federal government to officially rename Thursday “Friday Eve.” While I’m at it, I will also formally request that Tuesday be renamed to reflect what it actually feels like, which is “Monday, Part 2.”
Resolution # 6: I will rekindle my personal pursuit of cultural enrichment by reading more books and watching less TV. First book on my list: “How to Read More Books and Watch Less TV.” Second book: “Paradise Unplugged: The Hidden Perils of Reading Too Many Books and Watching Too Little TV.” Third Book: “No Reading Required: A Guilt-free Guide to Watching the Shows You Love and Loving the Shows You Watch.”
Resolution # 7: I will reunite with the original members of my 1980s punk band “Chronic Caucasians” and launch a nationwide tour of second-rate amphitheaters, dilapidated band shells and flea market food courts. I plan on calling it the “No Refunds Tour” to convey our commitment to delivering a crowd-pleasing performance and to head off any frivolous lawsuits that would require my appearance in small claims court.
Resolution # 8: I will beat a Kenyan in a short foot race and finally cross that goal off my bucket list. (I actually beat a Kenyan in a 50-yard race in a park last year but he was pushing a stroller at the time and may not have been aware I was racing him. Also, he may have been Cuban.)
Resolution # 9: I will develop an alternative to the Internet called “The Infobahn.” It will have only a fraction of the content but will be 10 times faster.
Resolution # 10: I will make plans to throw a big party sometime. (Wait, did I say “big party”? I meant “discussion group with light refreshments.”)
Resolution # 11: I will work day and night to put together the Leno/McCartney reunion concert that the world yearns for. (I just can’t help shake the feeling that the concept is fundamentally flawed. Must talk to Jay and Paul’s people about their interest levels.)
Resolution # 12: I will lose 35 lbs. on The Chicken Pot Pie and Low-Fat Fudgesicle Diet and inspire millions to do the same by appearing in a series of national ads using my old pants as a parasail while being pulled over the ocean by a powerboat.
Resolution # 13: I will only LOL when I find something LOL funny, which won’t be nearly as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation whatsoever. (Example #1: Just bought two cans of diced tomatoes, lol.” Example # 2: “Thought today was the 24th, not the 23rd, lol.” Example # 3: One of these days I’ll get to Wyoming, lol.) I hope that gratuitous LOL people everywhere will follow my lead and stop the insanity. LMAO (but not really).
Resolution # 14: I will finally learn my lesson and stop listening to TV weather people who give advice like “good day to hit that street fair downtown.” Instead, if they predict ‘no rain’ for the day, I’ll make it a point to load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.
Resolution # 15: I will use my extensive experience to work with governments, nonprofit agencies and international organizations to help developing countries build self-reliance and economic independence. I’ll get right on this right after I find a job.
Happy New Year everyone. May you live fully, love deeply, share generously and laugh often. (That whole “dance like no one is watching” thing is totally up to you.)
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at [email protected]. © 2011 Alan Williamson.