Mommy Moments
“You Two…Separate!”
By Krista Martinelli
My husband and I clearly remember that magical moment when our kids played together nicely for the first time. They were ages three and one. They had just finished dinner and they were happily engaged in an activity. Meanwhile, we were able to eat our own dinner in peace – without interruption. It was the beginning of a beautiful sibling friendship. Many parents had warned us about later though – when things would “get bad” and the fighting would begin. Things have gone quite smoothly until this year, when our daughter turned eight and our son turned six. And yes, now there’s some fighting. Some of it can be chalked up to healthy sibling rivalry, but how do you handle the unhealthy interactions – the ones that escalate?
Here are some ways I’ve handled problem areas of sibling fighting so far.
After wanting to pull out my hair in frustration, I’ve come up with a few solutions. Let me just add this disclaimer that there are other terrific parenting resources online (Parenting.com, AhaParenting.com, KidsHealth.org and many more), and I am in no way a “perfect parent.” These are just a few starter ideas, if the fighting is starting to happen in your home too.
Here’s a classic problem that comes up whenever we are taking a road trip that’s long enough for the kids to watch a movie in the back seat. “What movie should we watch?” Some higher-tech car interiors probably allow the kids to watch two different movies, but in our car, there’s only one DVD player. If we have a CD case full of about 50 movies to choose from, they will never agree. In fact, they might spend the whole two-hour trip arguing about which movie to watch. So usually I have handled it this way – I pick three movies. They pick two movies each that “they would be willing to watch.” And then we pick the one that they both agreed upon. If they happen to pick the same two movies, great! If we have time, we will watch both of them.
Another common dynamic that becomes a problem happens when the older sister has a friend over to the house and her brother does not. Sometimes the two girls will close the door and make a point that “no boys are allowed.” This, of course, starts a chain reaction where my son will do all sorts of things to bother them back. He will slide threatening notes under their door, slide pairs of underpants under the door, bang on the door and get very creative in his quest to annoy the girls. Here’s what I’ve tried to do lately with this situation. First of all, I try to avoid it happening – by aiming for a play date for BOTH kids, whenever possible. But if we have three kids in the house, I have also asked them to find something to do that includes all three – a game or a project that they all will do together. If all else fails, another good option is to get everyone outdoors for a change of scenery and for a better environment with no doors.
Here’s another battle that comes up once in a while. One child has a toy, a video game or access to the computer and the other one wants it. It makes matters worse if one begins by saying in a teasing voice, “I have the (whatever).” A struggle ensues. Yelling. Then, if it gets this far, physical violence – a punch, a scratch, a kick. It’s not pretty. There’s no set answer for how to respond. If both are equally at fault, they both do a “time out” and the thing they both want is confiscated. The best way of working with this problem, if you have the time and the patience, is to find a way for them to share. Let the children be the problem solvers. Ask them how they can share it. If they can’t figure out a way, you could set a timer for 10 minutes for each child. Ultimately you can confiscate a problematic toy for a few days if needed, as most kids today have plenty of toys to turn to.
Another issue that arises in our house and while riding in the car is the loud child versus the quiet child. Although our son is very entertaining in his antics, he can also be very loud. Our daughter tends to be more of a quiet child and also is currently experiencing headaches on a regular basis. So when he is yelling and she is having a headache, the issue is especially amplified in the car. My solution, so far, has been to threaten a “car time out” or just to tell him to keep his voice quieter while providing a diversion. Usually my son is just bored and annoying his sister is the only activity he can think of – it seems. So I will either tell him that he must be quiet for 5 minutes, for example, serving as a “car time out.” Or if the problem is not as extreme, I might offer him his DS to play with – or if we don’t have it handy, even my cell phone.
On a lighter note, we had a funny incident a couple years ago when a lengthy commercial for old ShirleyTempleDVDs kept coming on the station the kids were watching. The ad announcer would say, “Shirley Temple, America’s Little Darling!” One time my daughter, who was getting deeply into dance, acting and music, questioned, “Why is SHE America’s Little Darling?” She was so envious that she was turning a little bit green I think. My son, in his four-year-old cleverness, really picked up on it. And he continues to make the most of it, every time that commercial comes on. “Stella,” he says teasingly. “Look! It’s America’s Little Darling!” She never fails to get mad when this happens. But this light sibling mockery is acceptable and kind of funny in my eyes. I feel that as long as it’s basically good-natured and no one is getting hurt, no harm is being done.
If you have sibling rivalry issues in your family, it helps to know that mild sibling rivalry actually builds emotional intelligence and proves to be beneficial later in life. “Family interactions, including mild sibling rivalry, can have a positive impact on a child’s development and social relationships, according to a five-year project at the University of Cambridge.” So if you can get through the bickering and let them problem solve for some of these incidents, all the better for their future development.
Krista Martinelli is the owner and editor of AroundWellington.com. This is really an easy task though, compared with raising two children. Coincidentally, she knows how to juggle. Literally.