Cantankerously Yours
The Technology Conspiracy: An Expose
By Wendell Abern
Dear Innocently Bewildered,
Five years ago, I wrote a column theorizing the existence of a highly-organized shadow organization whose purpose is to conspire against those of us who are technologically challenged, deficient and feeble. Their purpose: to identify, torment and gouge financially those of us with no mechanical, electrical, technological or any other kind of “ical” abilities.
For those of you who accused me of rampant paranoia, I can smugly report my theory has now been confirmed.
Following is a transcript from the monthly dinner meeting of this insidious group, smuggled to me by a source I will not reveal. (Note:
I was told I am the one referred to as “Chicago Ten-Thumbs.”)
It was through these confidential minutes that I learned the horrifying news that the organization is now being led by the VP ICOAM (The Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me).
Still reeling from shock at this revelation, I was then rendered speechless when I read the first report given by their brand new consultant … Borbick. Borbick! The miniaturized terrorist who lives inside my computer!
* * *
(CONFIDENTIAL! FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2011.)
VP ICOAM:
“Ladies, gentlemen and fellow technoegoists … welcome to tonight’s meeting. We have many victims to discuss tonight, and we are leading off with everyone’s favorite, Chicago Ten-Thumbs. (CHEERING)
“To kick off this portion, I am honored to introduce our new computer consultant, the miniaturized terrorist, Borbick, who resides inside Ten-Thumbs’ computer.
“Borbick has been magnified in order to make tonight’s presentation, and will now entertain us all with his first report. Borbick? (CHEERS AS BORBICK TAKES STAGE.)
BORBICK:
“Good evening, everyone. It gives me great pleasure to see you all tonight … and to report that through my dedicated efforts, Ten-Thumbs’ blood pressure has skyrocketed, his hemi-facial tic now flutters like a flag in a windstorm … and his acid reflux is geysering so often it puts Old Faithful to shame. (CHEERS)
“May was a banner month. I started slowly. You know, prevented him a few times from reaching the sites he wanted. Worked my way up to inaccessible e-mails. Couldn’t send, couldn’t receive. (CHORTLE) Tsk, tsk, such language. Right out of a locker room.
“But my proudest moments came when Ten-Thumbs
tried to obtain the results of recent medical exams from the Cleveland Clinic. Many of the clinic’s patients use a site called MyChart to get information.
“Well, I shut that puppy down for a whole weekend, and Ten-Thumbs went berserk. Gnashing of teeth. Pain in his nether regions. A joy to watch.
“And now, as we agreed earlier, I am going to ask ‘On-hold Harry’ to continue the saga of Chicago Ten-Thumbs and his elusive MyChart. Harry.”
HARRY (STANDS UP AT DINNER TABLE):
“I’m ‘onna start with the bottom line ‘cause you’re gonna love it!
HE NEVER GOT THROUGH TO HIS MEDICAL REPORTS! (APPLAUSE)
I had him on hold for so long he almost soiled himself.
“And he called twice! Nine minutes the first time, seventeen big ones the second. He listened to so many recorded messages promoting Cleveland Clinic services, he’s now an expert on proctology procedures, PMS symptoms and breast implants! Borbick, back to you.”
BORBICK:
(WITH BIG GRIN) Wait ‘til next month! In June, when Ten-Thumbs is half-way through writing his monthly column, I’m freezing his computer before he can hit, “Save,” and he’ll lose everything!” (STANDING OVATION)
VP ICOAM:
“Thank you, Borbick and Harry. And finally tonight … I have saved our most famous contributor for last. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcome to … ‘Easy’ Eddie! (WILD APPLAUSE)
“For those of you who couldn’t attend, last night, for the 43rd year in a row, Easy Eddie won the coveted Obfuscation Trophy – awarded each year to the person who writes the best easy-to-assemble instructions that are difficult to understand.
“Eddie, c’mon up here, share some of your secrets and tell us what you and Chicago Ten-Thumbs have been up to.”
STANDING OVATION AS EDDIE GOES UP TO STAGE.
EDDIE:
“Well, I’m not going to share all of my secrets, but I’ll tell you my favorite. I make the first half or two-thirds of my instructions very clear, very concise, so idiots like Two-Thumbs feel they’re doing just fine. Then I lower the boom with a phrase that contradicts half of what I’d written earlier.
“As for Ten-Thumbs, he’s my all-time favorite.
“And he has never given me more fun than when he bought a portable TV. You should have seen his face when he read my first instruction … to hook up to a coaxial cable. (CHUCKLES) He started screaming, ‘If this is portable, why do I have to hook it up to anything!’ (LAUGHTER) And guess what happened next?” (LOOKS OVER TO “ON-HOLD” HARRY AND WINKS.)
HARRY:
“He called the manufacturer. Four minutes on hold, twelve more trying to reach the right guy, which he never did, and he never got an answer!”
(SITS DOWN)
EASY EDDIE:
“And, I am happy to report, Ten-Thumbs’ portable TV has now been crammed back into its box and has never been used. I can’t wait to see what he does if a hurricane hits and his power goes out.”
VP ICOAM:
Thank you, Eddie and Harry. Now, moving on to our next victim, Karen the Klutz, I – “
(END OF REPORT)
* * *
My informant would not supply me with any part of the report not relevant to me.
However, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I have no compunctions about publishing these ugly proceedings – and will do so whenever I receive another one.
Meanwhile, ailing seriously since reading the transcript, I have loaded up on chocolate malts, cheeseburgers, barbecued ribs, and other well-known medicinal cures.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Dear Innocently Bewildered,
Five years ago, I wrote a column theorizing the existence of a highly-organized shadow organization whose purpose is to conspire against those of us who are technologically-challenged, deficient and feeble. Their purpose: to identify, torment and gouge financially those of us with no mechanical, electrical, technological or any other kind of “ical” abilities.
For those of you who accused me of rampant paranoia, I can smugly report my theory has now been confirmed.
Following is a transcript from the monthly dinner meeting of this insidious group, smuggled to me by a source I will not reveal. (Note:
I was told I am the one referred to as “Chicago Ten-Thumbs.”)
It was through these confidential minutes that I learned the horrifying news that the organization is now being led by the VP ICOAM (The Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me).
Still reeling from shock at this revelation, I was then rendered speechless when I read the first report given by their brand new consultant … Borbick. Borbick! The miniaturized terrorist who lives inside my computer!
* * *
(CONFIDENTIAL! FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2011.)
VP ICOAM:
“Ladies, gentlemen and fellow technoegoists … welcome to tonight’s meeting. We have many victims to discuss tonight, and we are leading off with everyone’s favorite, Chicago Ten-Thumbs. (CHEERING)
“To kick off this portion, I am honored to introduce our new computer consultant, the miniaturized terrorist, Borbick, who resides inside Ten-Thumbs’ computer.
“Borbick has been magnified in order to make tonight’s presentation, and will now entertain us all with his first report. Borbick? (CHEERS AS BORBICK TAKES STAGE.)
BORBICK:
“Good evening, everyone. It gives me great pleasure to see you all tonight … and to report that through my dedicated efforts, Ten-Thumbs’ blood pressure has skyrocketed, his hemi-facial tic now flutters like a flag in a windstorm … and his acid reflux is geysering so often it puts Old Faithful to shame. (CHEERS)
“May was a banner month. I started slowly. You know, prevented him a few times from reaching the sites he wanted. Worked my way up to inaccessible e-mails. Couldn’t send, couldn’t receive. (CHORTLE) Tsk, tsk, such language. Right out of a locker room.
“But my proudest moments came when Ten-Thumbs
tried to obtain the results of recent medical exams from the Cleveland Clinic. Many of the clinic’s patients use a site called MyChart to get information.
“Well, I shut that puppy down for a whole weekend, and Ten-Thumbs went berserk. Gnashing of teeth. Pain in his nether regions. A joy to watch.
“And now, as we agreed earlier, I am going to ask ‘On-hold Harry’ to continue the saga of Chicago Ten-Thumbs and his elusive MyChart. Harry.”
HARRY (STANDS UP AT DINNER TABLE):
“I’m ‘onna start with the bottom line ‘cause you’re gonna love it!
HE NEVER GOT THROUGH TO HIS MEDICAL REPORTS! (APPLAUSE)
I had him on hold for so long he almost soiled himself.
“And he called twice! Nine minutes the first time, seventeen big ones the second. He listened to so many recorded messages promoting Cleveland Clinic services, he’s now an expert on proctology procedures, PMS symptoms and breast implants! Borbick, back to you.” (CHEERS AS HARRY SITS DOWN)
BORBICK:
(WITH BIG GRIN) Wait ‘til next month! In June, when Ten-Thumbs is half-way through writing his monthly column, I’m freezing his computer before he can hit, “Save,” and he’ll lose everything!” (STANDING OVATION AS BORBICK LEAVES STAGE)
VP ICOAM:
“Thank you, Borbick and Harry. And finally tonight … I have saved our most famous contributor for last. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcome to … ‘Easy’ Eddie! (WILD APPLAUSE)
“For those of you who couldn’t attend, last night, for the 43rd year in a row, Easy Eddie won the coveted Obfuscation Trophy – awarded each year to the person who writes the best easy-to-assemble instructions that are difficult to understand.
“Eddie, c’mon up here, share some of your secrets and tell us what you and Chicago Ten-Thumbs have been up to.”
STANDING OVATION AS EDDIE GOES UP TO STAGE AND TAKES MIKE.
EDDIE:
“Well, I’m not going to share all of my secrets, but I’ll tell you my favorite. I make the first half or two-thirds of my instructions very clear, very concise, so idiots like Two-Thumbs feel they’re doing just fine. (PAUSE FOR EFFECT) Then I lower the boom with a phrase that contradicts half of what I’d written earlier. (WILD APPLAUSE)
“As for Ten-Thumbs, he’s my all-time favorite.
“And he has never given me more fun than when he bought a portable TV. You should have seen his face when he read my first instruction … to hook up to a coaxial cable. (CHUCKLES) He started screaming, ‘If this is portable, why do I have to hook it up to anything!’ (LAUGHTER) And guess what happened next?” (LOOKS OVER TO “ON-HOLD” HARRY AND WINKS.)
ON-HOLD HARRY STANDS UP AT HIS TABLE.
HARRY:
“He called the manufacturer. Four minutes on hold, twelve more trying to reach the right guy, which he never did, and he never got an answer!”
(ON-HOLD HARRY SITS DOWN AMID WILD CHEERING)
EASY EDDIE:
“And, I am happy to report, Ten-Thumbs’ portable TV has now been crammed back into its box and has never been used. I can’t wait to see what he does if a hurricane hits and his power goes out.” (SITS DOWN AMID CHEERS AND ANOTHER STANDING OVATION.)
VP ICOAM:
Thank you, Eddie and Harry. Now, moving on to our next victim, Karen the Klutz, I – “
(END OF REPORT)
* * *
My informant would not supply me with any part of the report not relevant to me.
However, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I have no compunctions about publishing these ugly proceedings – and will do so whenever I receive another one.
Meanwhile, ailing seriously since reading the transcript, I have loaded up on chocolate malts, cheeseburgers, barbecued ribs, and other well-known medicinal cures.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@comcast.net.