Mommy Moments
PARENTING 2011
By Shakira Muneswar
While the initial furor over the ‘Tiger Mom’ memoirs penned by Amy Chua has abated somewhat, the questions it brought to the national stage regarding how we, in America, and many other advanced countries raise our children, has stayed with this mom. Questions that brought a self-examination of parenting methods vis à vis the best interest of our children.
I had the same initial reaction upon reading about the methods that were reiterated in news articles that highlighted the book as controversy, as it seemed, did most parents in America. I was aghast at the examples most cited by the media that told of extreme parenting methods including no sleepovers, play dates, or TV (actually something I agree with), extensive hours practicing music which were intimately criticized by the girls’ Tiger Mom. Indeed it seemed all aspects of the two girls’ lives were given such inordinately harsh review, Chua made Simon Cowell look like Santa Claus by comparison.
The Wall Street Journal1 published an article by the author summarizing some main points of her book under the provocative title, ‘Why Chinese Moms are Superior’ – a guaranteed attention-getter and one that invites an equally superior response, Oh, really? Chua makes no excuses for her methods citing how different ‘Western parents’ are from their Chinese counterparts when it comes to demanding academic excellence for instance. She goes on to claim that most Western parents focus on making learning fun while by contrast, none of the Chinese parents she interviewed felt that fun even factored into the equation.
In the same WSJ article, Chua states, ‘Chinese parents understand … that nothing is fun until you’re good at it.” Yet in her memoir she tells of her younger daughter’s public outburst forcibly demonstrating her intense dislike for playing the violin which she had to learn and became very good at, being taught by a Juilliard teacher at the time. I don’t think Lulu thought it was much fun even though she was so good at it. Thirteen year old Lulu’s blow-up cited how she hated her life and everything in it. This made Tiger Mom Chua do a 180 where Lulu was concerned. My question regarding all this is: Was it really necessary to put her child and herself through all of this?
Being of Indian descent raised in North America, I have to say that while I gained an indelible belief that academic success was of paramount importance, it was not a punishable offense to bring home a B. Feeling like a failure was punishment enough. Having said that, I can see how effusively praising the fact that your first grader colored the sun yellow may be giving a false sense of accomplishment when it may be better, for your child in the long run, to demand their best effort in all they do.
So where’s the healthy balance? Do you threaten to burn a child’s stuffed animals as a disciplinary tool, or might it be better to take away the toy and donate them, which I actually did? Is one worse than the other? I think so. In a toddler’s mind in which the child believes the world is a consequence of their actions, she is now responsible for the destruction of a beloved toy.
In her interview with NPR2, that bastion of impartial reporting, she told interviewer Michel Martin, “… I think in some ways a part of the parent’s job is to help their child see what they’re capable of.” In the same interview, she admits she doesn’t have the answers. I do agree that we’ve grossly underestimated our children’s capabilities and given them a pass on striving for nothing less than their best. Here’s where I’m reminded of the age-old script, echoed through the generations of “When I was little, I had to take out the garbage, mow the lawn and walk the dog – all before breakfast.” And of course, the further back in time, the more arduous the chores. I remember hearing something similar and can’t believe that I want to voice the same thing to my own children.
What are we left with? An issue that has been creeping up for a long time as we leave our future to zone out in front of the TV and place 18th out of 33 countries in math on the test given by the Program for International Student Assessment3 – the issue of engaging our kids in meaningful ways and having them learn what they need to in order to succeed. While I don’t come close to the methods employed by Chua who claims that everything she’s done for her daughters she did out of love, I can see her point of what being a parent means – guiding and instructing and giving our children all the opportunities we can. Perhaps it’s more a cultural difference that defines how we choose to engage our children.
Let’s face it; parenting is far from an exact science. In fact, because it involves human interaction at a highly emotional, impacted level, it probably occupies the ‘inexact’ end of the science spectrum all on its own. This is unquestionably a divisive issue, but with some common ground. We all want to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted, self-sufficient and successful (a very subjective term) children. It’s the how and the degrees to which we employ our methods, while keeping in mind the individuality of each child, that will impact our kids in a hopefully positive and healthy way. And of course through our kids, society and ultimately, these days, the global community will be positively impacted too.
Happy Father’s Day to all the great dads – Tiger or Teddy Bear!
1. Copyright © 2011 The Wall Street Journal. ‘Why Tiger Moms Are Superior,’ by Amy Chua. January 8, 2011, The Saturday Essay.
2. Copyright © 2011 National Public Radio®. Michel Martin, host.
3.
Shakira is Mom to two vibrant children who have taught me as much as I hope to have taught them. I love to keep active biking or playing sports with my kids and also enjoy knitting or reading when I get the chance to. I’ve always loved to write as a hobby and am relishing the opportunity to contribute to .