Cantankerously Yours
Observations on an Age-Old War: Men vs. Women
By Wendell Abern
Dear Readers,
I write with the authority of age, the wisdom of experience, the knowledge gained from a lifetime as confidante to the entire world … and the narrow-minded crankiness befitting a curmudgeon.
The following examples, admittedly, depict broad generalizations. Necessary. I want to make certain points. If you happen to disagree with me, assume you’re wrong.
On knowing when you’ve found the one right person.
I have long believed that in male-female relationships, the dumbest woman in the world knows more than the smartest man.
Face it, guys. Women come equipped with a special gene that includes guile, intuition, ESP and lascivious-intent detectors; we have no idea what is going on beyond our carnal needs. As an example, I cite my friends Al and Connie, now married for 18 years.
Al, an old friend, had gone out with Connie only twice and was besotted.
“How does she feel about you?” I asked.
“How do I know? Only went out with her twice. But I have a six-month plan.”
His elaborate plan to get Connie to the altar included parties, theatre, candlelight dinners, museum visits and family get-togethers.
Meanwhile, after two dates, Connie had taken out a subscription to “Bride” Magazine.
On taking direction.
Women do. Men don’t.
My dear old friends Brad and Cynthia almost got divorced last year because of it.
Cynthia has a poor sense of direction and knows it, so when she drives somewhere she will make phone calls to make sure she doesn’t get lost.
Brad, her husband, has an even worse sense of direction, but is the quintessential example of a guy who will never stop and ask for help.
Last summer, they went up north to spend a long weekend at Brad’s brother’s summer home. They flew up to Chicago and rented a car to drive up to Wisconsin. They ended up in Iowa.
On winning an argument.
Men cut loose. Women keep score.
Take a couple having an argument over a messy house.
The guy begins with, “I can’t even walk in the door without tripping over one of the kids’ toys! And their clothes are all over the floor! Why can’t you #@!&! keep this !&%#! house clean!” His voice rises, his complexion reddens, and his expletives grow more obscene.
The woman waits until the tirade takes a beat, then calmly says, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the one who said you were going to clean out the garage? That was, let’s see, a year ago on the first day of spring.
“And, if memory serves, in 2004, I gave up my bridge game to stay with the kids because your golfing buddies suddenly needed you to make up a foursome.
“In 2007, you said my mother was fat.”
“Okayokayokay.”
“And then there was the time I had to pick up the kids – “
“Allrightalready!”
Observation: screamers have never beaten scorekeepers; never will.
On shopping.
I don’t know how it happened in the evolutionary development of the human race, but somehow women were born with a shopping gene and men weren’t.
Women go into any store of any kind and as they weave their way through, they sense bargains; they smell discounts; they feel sales. Then they select carefully and economize judiciously.
Men go into a store of any kind with only one thing in mind: get what you want and get out.
Which brings me to Heidi, a beautiful young woman who lives in my condo association, and her muscular boyfriend, George.
Last month, Heidi made the mistake of asking George to go shopping. She’s still talking about it.
She gave him a short shopping list: milk, eggs, peanut butter.
He came home with seven shopping bags.
“What the hell did you buy?” she yelled, staring with horror at a receipt that read, “$122.87.”
“I thought we needed some stuff.”
“Four ribeye steaks!” Heidi shouted, yanking packages out of a bag and banging them down on the table. “Two pork roasts!” Bang! “Two pounds of ground beef!” Bang!
“Hey, everyone needs protein.”
“Potato chips! Cheetos! Magnum ice cream bars!”
“Green leafy vegetables,” George said.
Twenty minutes later, George was on his way back to Publix to return most of what he referred to as “staples.” Not only that, he’d forgotten to buy the peanut butter.
On handling today’s technology.
We live at the only time in the history of the world when the youngest generation is teaching the oldest generation how to do things. You want to know how to set up Skype on your computer? Ask any grandchild.
Nancy understands that. Shel doesn’t.
Nancy conferred with her ten-year old granddaughter before starting to use her Smart Phone and is now proficient with it.
Shel spent five minutes reading the instructions, became impatient and threw them away, and is still trying to take his first selfie.
On emperors, kings, presidents and other leaders.
For more than 10,000 years, with few exceptions, men have ruled the world. Rarely, women. Almost always, men.
How’s that workin’ out for us?
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Guys: the way I see things, we are outmatched, outwitted and out-DNA’d; women, frankly, are out of our league.
It’s a good thing we are better than they are at kicking a football, slapping a hockey puck and all those other ways we have of muscling our way through life.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].