Cantankerously Yours
A “Mad Man” Gets Back In The Game …
By Wendell Abern
March 9th, 2014, marks a red-letter date in my life. On this date in 1964, I started working at my first consumer advertising agency.
My first job had been with a small business-to-business agency; I wrote for accounts like the Liquid Carbonic Divison of General Dynamics and the Cast Iron Pipe Research Association. I had no idea what I was doing, and rarely understood anything I wrote. It took me one and a half-years to convince consumer agencies I was not a technical writer.
I spent the next fifty years writing for a long, long list of major advertisers; mostly, my assignments consisted of creating television campaigns. Today, I still like to watch commercials, just to see what’s happening in the industry. And, it seems to me, the quality of the advertising breaks down similarly to days of yore: some outstanding, some pathetically sophomoric, some simply boring and some impossible to understand.
Creating advertising campaigns and writing commercials was great fun. And very satisfying when I knew I was selling a decent product. I miss those days.
I often think how much more fun I could have today, without worrying about such things as being two or three seconds longer than the 30 allowed; caustic comments from a Creative Review Committee; fears by a quaking account executive; reams of statistics from a research department; approval by a client and restraints and regulations by the FTC.
And so, I have created my own products just for the fun of it.
1 – THE Q-PAD: A new phone/camera/computer.
SCENE: SEVENTYISH WOMAN ON SOFA WITH 8-YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY ARE BOTH LOOKING AT A NEW CELLPHONE.
GRANDDAUGHTER: Okay, grandma, now see if you can get to the family pictures we looked at yesterday.
GRANDMOTHER: (STRUGGLES, GRIMACES) I broke it.
GRANDDAUGHTER: You didn’t break it, grandma. Here (points) … remember our old friend, the app icon here?
GRANDMOTHER: Okay, okay, I got it. (SWIPES FINGER ACROSS PAD)
GRANDDAUGHTER: No, that’s your e-mail, grandma.
GRANDMOTHER: (DOES TAKE TO CAMERA)
GRANDDAUGHTER: Okay, let’s try to get to today’s news.
ANNOUNCER: The new Q-Pad from Quizz Industries.
GRANDMOTHER: I did it! I found it myself!
GRANDDAUGHTER: Good job, grandma!
ANNOUNCER: (AS THEY HUG) The Q-Pad. So simple, even a 75-year old can learn it.
CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF PRODUCT AND TITLE: “SO SIMPLE EVEN A 75-7EAR OLD CAN LEARN IT.”
* * *
After a year or two of experience, writers realize they can get to meet and work with celebrities … if they create commercials starring whatever celebrity they choose.
When this dawned on me, my first thought was … Lee Remick! I loved Lee Remick! I was going to meet Lee Remick!
I wrote commercials starring Lee Remick as the spokesperson for Swanson Frozen Dinners, Alberto-Culver Shampoo, L’Oreal Hair Products, Oldsmobile, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Star-Kist Tuna, United Airlines, Tide, Cheer, Era, AC Sparkplugs and a new pill for enlarged prostates. None was ever approved.
Today, I’d probably choose a sports star. To wit:
2 – Chowza Dog Food.
SCENE: KEVIN DURANT (7-FOOT CENTER, OKLAHOMA THUNDER BASKETBALL TEAM) STANDING IN LIVING ROOM; MINIATURE DACHSHUND AT HIS FEET.
KEVIN DURANT: In our house, we have to spell certain words because of our dog, Goliath.
TEEN-AGE GIRL: (OFF CAMERA) Dad, I’m going o-u-t.
DURANT: (SMILES) Okay, sweetheart. (TO CAMERA) Goliath hears certain words, he goes bananas.
TEEN-AGE BOY: (OFF CAMERA) Dad, can I borrow the c-a-r?
DURANT: (SMILES, THROWS KEYS OFF CAMERA) Sure, son.
WIFE: (OFF CAMERA) Honey, when you go out, please pick up some Chowza.
DURANT: (THROWS EYES SKYWARD AS GOLIATH STARTS YAPPING NON-STOP.) Sometimes, we forget.
ANNCR: (REDUCE YAPPING SOUNDS, CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF PRODUCT.) Big or small, young or old, your dog will love the new, uh … C-h-o-w-z-a.
(INSET GOLIATH FINISHING BOWLFUL.) All meat, all delicious, all gone.
* * *
I cannot hear a commercial for a medicine these days without marveling – and laughing at – the brilliance of advertising agencies, who convince drug manufacturers to spend millions of dollars on commercials written by lawyers. The following might sound like it belongs on Saturday Night Live, except for the fact we hear spots like these almost daily.
3 – Grepsalot.
SCENE: (PRODUCT ON CAMERA)
ANNCR: Do you suffer from acid reflux? One Grepsalot in the morning can end heartburn all day.
Side effects may include nausea, diarrhea, constipation, shortness of breath, palpitations, uncontrollable shaking of the hands, headaches, increased heart rate, spots before the eyes, ringing in the ears, swelling of the tongue, warts, blackheads, and painful rectal itch. See your doctor before taking.
* * *
Male enhancement products did not exist back when I wrote copy. And what fun those would be!
4 – Bazenga.
SCENE: MODERN KITCHEN IN PLEASANT MIDDLE-CLASS HOME. MAN SEATED AT SMALL DINING TABLE; WOMAN IS RINSING DISHES AND PLACING IN DISHWASHER AS THEY TALK.
MAN: What am I supposed to do? I can’t go to work like this!
WOMAN: After four hours, you’re supposed to call your doctor.
MAN: But it’s only been 45 minutes! And I have to get to work!
WOMAN: Give it another half-hour, see what happens.
MAN: But I have an important client meeting this morning!
ANNCR: (VOICE OVER SCENE) For men who suffer from erectile dysfunction, try Bazenga. If your erection lasts more than four hours, call your doctor.
WOMAN: You were the one insisted on a little early morning momby-palomby.
ANNCR: Bazenga. Use it in the mornings at your own risk.
* * *
If you have ever watched the show, “Mad Men,” you have seen depictions of paranoid, insecure creative people, constantly worried their ideas would be rejected, and fearing every day they would lose a client. Or their jobs. The truth is, it was really much worse than that.
Still … writing commercials was a lot of fun. And after fifty years, I still miss it.
Cantankerously yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@comcast.net.