Cantankerously Yours
And Jean Valjean Thought He Had Problems
By Wendell Abern
Dear Persecuted, Pestered and Pursued,
Monsieur Valjean, the protagonist of Les Miserables, spent his whole life running from Inspector Javert because he had stolen a loaf of bread.
My personal Bloodhound, the VP ICOAM (Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me) is even worse, because I’ve never done anything and he is just as unrelenting.
He followed me here from Chicago, and ever since has been training elderly drivers and supervising every switchboard I call. Last month, it became clear he has been acting as consultant to my auto dealership, GPX Television and People Magazine.
My auto dealership.
When I bought my Corolla at Lipton Toyota, they assured me of free tires for the life of the car if I would have all service work done at their shop. I agreed. And they have kept their word.
Not only that, their work has been impeccable, and I’ve never paid more than $50 in any one visit.
But last month I took my car in for its 45,000-mile checkup. Brad, the service rep, drove my car back to the service bay and looked it over with three mechanics; then he came back to tell me what had to be done.
“Your car’s in great shape,” he said. “You’ve really taken very good care of it.”
“Great,” I said. “How much will it cost me?”
“$537.98.”
“Excuse me?”
“There’s a lot to do at a 45,000-mile checkup.”
“How much would it be if the car weren’t in good shape?”
He knew I was being snide. Diplomatically, he did not answer.
“I wanta see the manager!” I shouted.
I know the manager well. Have talked to him several times. Nelson. About six-foot five. Weighs maybe 150 pounds. The enemy.
“Nelson,” I shouted when he joined us, “this is over $500! And the car’s in great shape.”
Patiently, Nelson pointed out all the important work necessary at a 45,000-mile checkup. Not knowing a gear from a gasket, I decided on an educated protest.
“Okay,” I shouted, “but I don’t see any reason to pay you for tinkering with my drive shaft boot! I happen to know it’s in great shape!”
Nelson and Brad tried to keep a straight face.
“Tell you what,” Nelson said, “we’ll throw that one in free.”
After receiving a new set of tires and free work on my drive shaft boot,
I paid my bill and drove smugly out of the dealership. Later, I called my daughter and told her of my triumph. She chortled. I hate it when my daughter chortles.
“Dad, do you even know what a drive shaft boot is?”
“Have no idea.”
“It’s just a cover for your drive shaft that squirts grease onto the axle. They check it over to make sure it’s still squirting.” She chortled again. “You’re probably famous there by now.”
And, I thought, the Vice President ICOAM is still laughing.
GPX Television.
Last month, I spent $99 on the most exciting purchase I’ve made since moving to Florida: a portable TV set. And my new portable TV has a marvelous name: “Everywhere TV.” Is that spectacular or what? Bring on the power outages, FPL! You’re not depriving me of any ball games!
I came home, opened up the box, took out the TV and a user’s guide with instructions. Instructions? It’s a portable TV. You pop in some batteries and turn it on.
The first instruction in my user’s guide reads, “Connect a coaxial television cable to the RF Input on the unit.”
Knowing as much about coaxial cables as I do drive shaft boots, I called GPX and talked to a nice young man named Sandy.
“How can I help you?” he asked.
“Define ‘Everywhere.’”
“Excuse me?”
“I just bought your allegedly portable ‘Everywhere TV,’ and discovered it won’t go everywhere unless I plug a coaxial cable into it.”
“Sir, you have to plug in the coaxial cable initially so you can receive cable TV channels.”
“Sandy?”
“Yes?”
“Define ‘portable.’”
I could tell Sandy was becoming exasperated. I ended the conversation, jammed the TV set and user’s guide back in its box and silently wished the VP ICOAM a rash in his nether regions.
People Magazine.
I have reached the boiling point with People Magazine. For years, I
have railed at their editors for annually ignoring me when selecting the 100 most beautiful people in the world. But this year marks the last straw: their December issue listed the 25 most intriguing people in the country, and I didn’t even get an honorable mention.
Just look at these unjust oversights:
Robert Pattinson. In the category of “Star Revelations,” People writes, “ … The Twilight star’s family tree can be traced back to Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Dracula.”
Big deal. I can trace my family tree back to Hymie the Butcher, who, in the 17th Century, could draw and quarter a chicken in sixteen seconds, even though missing three fingers from his left hand.
Sarah Palin. People Mag cites her as intriguing because this year the former governor remade herself as a reality star on TLC’s Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Why? Palin says, “I grew up watching Wild Kingdom. We decided that’s what America’s missing right now: a family-oriented, get-outdoors-and-enjoy-God’s-creation kind of show.”
Oh, please. Get outdoors to what? An occasional Polar Bear and Caribou? I could narrate a documentary entitled, “Get Outdoors in Florida,” beginning with a piano sitting on a sandbar in the ocean.
Ryan Reynolds. Intriguing, according to People, because he was their selection as Sexiest Man Alive.
“Sexy” is a reason to be intriguing? Fine. Next year, I intend to appear as a centerfold in Playgirl Magazine, as a new kind of sex symbol: short and old, with love handles the size of elephant ears.
* * *
It seems to me the VP ICOAM has worked out a special retainer package with several Floridian companies; that the aforementioned culprits represent just the beginning of his new clientele list in a blatant attempt to be promoted to Executive VP ICOAM. If so, 2011 could be a very long year.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@comcast.net.