Cantankerously Yours
My Personal Mt.Rushmores
By Wendell Abern
Dear Sports Fans,
For some reason, a sportswriter recently asked Lebron James which basketball players he would choose to memorialize on a Mt.Rushmore-type mountain sculpture. Predictably, his answer spawned a huge controversy, with noisy responses from sports writers and other basketball players.
Well, I love to create noisy responses. So I decided to carve out a few Mt.Rushmores of my own. So far, I have decided on fifteen different classifications, but since some require explanation, I have room for only three this month.
1 – On-line dating biographies.
Personally, I think dating websites are a great idea. And yes, I’m aware of obvious dangers. But I believe this is a wonderful way for people my age to find friends, companions and even mates. In fact, I know of four marriages that have resulted from on-line meets, and three other couples who are progressing quite happily.
After I’d been a widower for a few years, I explored certain “elderly” websites because I wanted to write a column about the subject. I saved some of the bios, mostly because they sound like I’d written them. (I have included a few men to demonstrate what all women know: when it comes to lying, we men are pathetically transparent). My nominees (original names changed to protect the guilty):
Blossom.
“I know it’s not obvious from my photo, but I am a 53-year old buxom divorcee with the body of a 25-year old and a healthy appetite for life, if you know what I mean! (Wink, wink.)* I am all ready to blossom again!”
*(The “winks” are Blossom’s, not mine.)
Handsome Jack, age 61.
Except for his photo, which was clearly taken when he was about 23 years old, the name says it all.
Virginia.
“I am a widow of seven years. After 58 years of being bookish, quiet and reserved, I am ready to explore new worlds with the right man. However, I do have a few requirements: no one older than 60; must have all or most of his hair, but none on his face, protruding from his nose or clinging to his ears; IQ higher than 125; at least six feet tall; weighs no more than 180 pounds; has at least one college degree, no grown children living with him, no weird fetishes, and no oral noises while eating.”
Fred.
“I am 68 years old and pleasingly plump (my picture was taken before I lost 30 pounds). I get along with everyone! And everyone likes me except my miserable ex-wife. My kids like me! My former mother-in-law likes me! All the Khardashian girls like me! Viagra is losing a fortune on me! Even though I am only five foot six, I have a very tall libido!”
2 – The pathetically déclassé.
While many people lack class, some stand out. And while I have selected four worthy candidates, I believe no one in the world is in Charlie Sheen’s league.
Accompanying him on this Mt.Rushmore sculpture would be Miley Cyrus, Mayor Rob Ford and President Vladimir Putin.
3 – Artistic Directors.
For those of you unfamiliar with the inner workings of theatres, the Artistic Director is the major-domo; the head macher; the untitled CEO of the theatre.
Artistic Directors determine which plays their theatres will produce. They are the ones who read (and judge) every manuscript sent to them.
I have been submitting plays to AD’s at theatres all over the country for more than 50 years. I am not “connected.” I don’t belong to any theatre group. I don’t have a friend of a friend of a cousin who knows an Artistic Director. No one has any idea who I am. Ergo, I have never received a rejection in less than a year.
I have kept many rejection slips, plus the accompanying notes from Artistic Directors, who obviously have more difficulty reading plays than playwrights have writing them.
In order to erect a Mt.Rushmore to these emperors, I have selected the lamest comments, i.e., excuses, along with the length of time it took them to respond.
Martin Brady, Jane Addams Center, Chicago.
Play submitted June, 1977; returned November 7, 1979 (2 years, 5 months).
“The Jane Addams Theatre is being taken over for one year by the Steppenwolf Theatre Company. In making this transition, I have come across this copy of your play, which I assume you submitted to our previous Artistic Director. In any case, in an effort to help clean up, we are returning your script to you. I would suggest you consider re-submitting your play to the new Artistic Director once Steppenwolf settles in.”
Douglas A. Grabowski, Playwrights Horizons, New York City.
Play submitted September, 1987; returned June 20, 1989 (one year, nine months)
“Thank you for submitting your play, BED, to Playwrights Horizons. We’re sorry it’s taken us so long to get back to you, but the Artistic Director has been unusually hectic with THE HEIDI CHRONICLES and a recent cultural exchange trip to the Soviet Union.”
William Storm, Mark Taper Forum, Los Angeles.
Play submitted January, 1984; returned January 27, 1986 (two years).
“Thank you for showing us SARAH. I’m returning the script to you herewith, with apologies for not responding much sooner. I simply wanted a number of people here to have a chance to look at the piece, and I’m afraid these things take time.”
Michael Cullen, Travel Light Theatre, Chicago.
Play submitted November, 1977; returned August 21, 1980 (my world’s record: two years, nine months – and they still hadn’t read it).
“On behalf of the Travel Light Theatre, I would like to thank you for submitting your script for consideration. I apologize for the delay – I just inherited the task of Literary Manager. We are looking at your play now, and will be in touch.”
As I’d mentioned earlier, these are the only Mt.Rushmores I could include in this month’s column. Others to follow soon.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at .