Cantankerously Yours
The Applause Inside, Part Two
By Wendell Abern
Dear Readers,
This column continues the condensed version of a satirical, science-fiction play I wrote at the age of 22, entitled, “The Applause Inside.” Given the license one takes with becoming an octogenarian, I decided that what I’d lampooned decades ago is just as deserving of my scorn today.
Part One revealed a small group of extra-terrestrials given the assignment of bringing a newly-emerged planet into a state of Oneness with the rest of the Universe in a record-setting 50 billion years (the average time being 52 billion).
The planet, of course, is earth, and the ET team screws it up royally.
Rudy, the director, has presented several revolutionary ideas from his top Creators, Beth and Seymour, to the Intra-Universe Council … beginning with an Applause Gene: the emerging race hears applause inside them, thereby craving it from others.
In addition, the team has presented other audacious concepts that have created unending turmoil for the new planet.
*
Act Two opens with Beth and Seymour sitting in chairs opposite a desk with a chair. Clearly, they are very nervous. Rudy enters stage right, storming toward his seat behind the desk. He holds a sheaf of papers, which he slams onto the desk. He sits down and glares at Beth and Seymour for a full ten seconds.
Then he says, “We’re on probation. All of us.”
Silence. Rudy leafs through the papers and lifts one. “This is entitled, ‘The Leaders.’ Have you read it?” They both nod yes.
“Two different leaders on your planet you call Earth came up with two different ideas. And oh, of course, they each had followers. And what happened?” Silence. “Beth, what happened?”
“The two leaders and their followers confronted each other, but …”
“NO BUTS! They confronted each other! And what happened, Seymour, when the two leaders disagreed?”
After a few seconds, Seymour mumbles, “The bigger one killed the other.”
“Right! He killed him! Now, Beth, what did all of the big leader’s followers do after he killed the smaller one?”
Beth takes a deep sigh. “They applauded,” she says.
With an ugly scowl, Rudy nods.
“But you can’t blame it on …”
“The hell I can’t! This whole planet is a disaster! They steal from each other! Land! Property! The male gender even steals females, for God’s sake! And they never stop killing each other! They are – “
“Okay, that’s enough, I resign,” Beth says.
Silence. Finally, Rudy says, “You can’t resign.”
“The hell I can’t. Have your precious Intra-Universe Council ban me to the planet Gorgolon if they don’t like it.”
“Look, Beth – “
“You look! You look! You and your council, look! Look what these humans have accomplished, millennia before any other race in the history of the universe! They’ve discovered music, invented languages, created an entire set of mathematics. They paint magnificent landscapes! Write brilliant books! Compose haunting melodies! They – “
“Yeah, they’ll do anything for applause! That’s the problem, Beth! They sing, they dance, they juggle, they make jokes, they invent games with balls and sticks, they act, they entertain each other endlessly, and wait’ll the coming century, when they discover film!
“But the worst part is the applause generated by their handling of abstract ideas. Ideas like –isms and beliefs and boundaries, enforced by leaders, who galvanize their followers by preaching hatred! Not love! Hatred! Lots of applause for hating others! It’s the antithesis of Oneness!”
Seymour speaks up. “That’s not fair, Rudy. You’re blaming everything on – “
“Don’t tell me what’s fair! You want fair? Let’s look at some maps.”
Rudy snaps his fingers and a map appears. Rudy picks up a pointer and points as he speaks.
“This is what earth looks like today, the beginning of their Twentieth Century. Earlier, England and France laid claim to America and parts of Canada; then America stages a revolution against the British and the French stage a revolution against themselves; Spain plunders both North and South America; the Ottoman Turks take big chunks of Europe and the Middle East, and Russia is just kind of minding its own business except for annexing about half of Poland. Want to see more fairness, Seymour?
“About a century ago, France lays claim to the entire continent of Europe; then they get a little ambitious and stroll into Russia, their downfall, and the French are finished off by England, which, simultaneously, has just lost another skirmish with the Americans.
“Later, America grabs a piece of Mexico and then goes to war against itself while everyone in Europe is doing a little dosie-do: Russia and Prussia decide to go halvsies on Poland; England gloms onto all of India while also grabbing a valuable piece of China. Meanwhile, Americans continue to pluck black people out of Africa because they need slaves to work the land they killed red people for!
“We’re on probation, people! Probation! If we don’t get earth through the Twentieth Century, the planet will be obliterated and we’ll be fired!”
Silence.
Then Seymour says, “I have an idea.”
“That will be refreshing.”
“To help save the planet, we use the motivation their leaders use.”
“Hatred?” Beth asks.
“Yes. Hatred. That seems to be the only thing that unites them, right? So we threaten the entire planet. We force them to bond. To work together.”
“I like it!” Beth says. “And I know exactly what to use! Not bombs or our intergalactic superships. Something worse. A disease. A terrible disease that might kill them all.”
Rudy says, “You’re – you’re talking about – “
“Cancer,” Beth says. “All kinds of cancer. We’ll give them a century to find a cure.”
They all stare at each other. Then Rudy says, “I’ll run it by the Council.”
Curtain.
*
As I said in Part One, I haven’t changed much in the 60 years since I wrote this play. Neither has the world.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].