Lighten Up with Lisa 
Relationships
By Lisa Dawn Wax
Many of my recent sessions with clients have addressed relationship issues that I thought I would share in this month’s column. Firstly, I’d like to say that relationships, more specifically couples’ relationships, will undoubtedly be analyzed until the end of time and my given responses are only a few of the many perspectives to be had. One question that was posed was, “Why do people bother to get divorced when ultimately they seem to seek out the same type of relationship they left and deal with the same old “crap”? Another topic that came up was, “What do you do when there are conflicting desires within the relationship?” For example, one person wants the relationship to continue or move forward and the other doesn’t. And lastly, “ How does one best deal with unmet expectations in and of the relationship?”
Each question can basically be answered with varying degrees of Acceptance, Tolerance, Patience and Growth; all of which are closely related, almost synonymous, and go hand in hand with one another. If we go upon the premise I discussed in a prior column (Sept. 2009) that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, then we can surmise that it is through our relationships that we learn about our humanity. Remember that as spiritual beings in our true state we love unconditionally and have a complete sense of oneness with others, God and the universe. However, as human beings in our ego state we see others separate from ourselves and love based upon many conditions and expectations that need to be met. Realistically most of us are not living 100% spiritual lives 100% of the time; therefore, it becomes necessary to use these four tools to find a comfortable blend of the two realities which exist (oneness/separateness) in order to experience all the joys and benefits of relationships.
ACCEPTANCE
We all wish to be loved and accepted just as we are. So, I think it is fair to say that to truly love someone is to accept him or her unconditionally without trying to change them. Personally, I don’t believe that a leopard cannot change its spots. I believe if a person is willing and committed to change, anything is possible. That being said one person cannot change another; even though I know we’ve all tried. Instead we can choose to accept the other person, with or without complete understanding, and change our behaviors, reactions and thoughts towards the other. If one cannot fully accept a person or their behavior, then in order for the relationship to survive one must look towards Tolerance.
TOLERANCE
Whereas, acceptance indicates final and ultimate approval, tolerance suggests temporary endurance or allowance without contradiction. One may choose to tolerate a behavior within a relationship without really or ever accepting it. It can be some trivial pet peeve, such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste, or something serious, such as infidelity. On a daily basis we all choose situations to tolerate about our partners and within the relationship. When we can no longer tolerate what we choose to never accept is when problems flare, fighting ensues and breakups become inevitable. How long our tolerance lasts depends upon how much patience we have.
PATIENCE
A couple months ago I wrote about the revered virtue of Compassion. Well, Patience is another major virtue well worth having and can be defined as quiet perseverance or the bearing of pains, misfortunes or annoyances calmly or without complaint. While Patience does not come easily to most, it is a virtue and a practice that is essential for successful interpersonal relationships as well as personal growth. It affords us time to explore lessons others have to teach us as well as lessons we have to learn about ourselves. As challenging a struggle it may be to persevere “quietly and without complaint,” it is an effective way to allow the other person the freedom to exercise their choices and behaviors. Additionally, sometimes we need to be patient with ourselves as well so that we can be free to make specific choices that we need to that feel right for us at a given moment. It is through our choices that we all grow.
GROWTH
I know I’ve said it before, but it warrants repeating, “There are no mistakes only lessons.” Each relationships is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves; how we feel, how we react, how we define and honor our boundaries; and ultimately what we might need to change because it doesn’t work for us anymore. Since we are all at different places in our lives and different places in our personal and/or spiritual growth and we all grow at different rates, speeds and spectrums, we must honor and respect these differences with our varying degrees, from all to none, of Acceptance, Tolerance and Patience.
So, let’s go back to our initial questions.
1. Why do people bother to get divorced when ultimately they seem to seek out the same type of relationship they left and deal with the same old “crap”? Spiritually speaking, if one continues to seek out the same situations it’s because they haven’t learned the lesson yet that they are supposed to learn. Additionally people stick in “comfort zones” to avoid growth, but stagnation serves no greater purpose.
2. What do you do when there are conflicting desires within the relationship? If there is a commitment to continue the relationship, then through Patience and Tolerance of the conflict the couple must work toward the mutual goal of an acceptable solution that honors and respects, at least in part, both parties points of view. If it is a question of one wants to end it and the other does not, then I think Acceptance of the truth, not so much the individuals but of the partnership, becomes the crucial focal point to address. Sometimes the right choice is to walk away, move on, and seek out another experience.
3. How does one best deal with unmet expectations in and of the relationship? Honestly the best answer is to try NOT to have any expectations to begin with. That’s not to say don’t have any standards to abide by. Everyone deserves honesty and respect. The golden rule always applies. However, sometimes we need to have patience to let the other person meet our needs on their timeline, not ours. Other times we need to accept someone may simply be incapable of meeting certain needs without further growth on their part. Lastly, we may need to tolerate that people have to be true to themselves, while we do the same; and while we may feel a person may have “wronged us,” it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong.
It all comes down to choices. We choose our relationships. We choose what to accept and/or tolerate. We choose whether or not to continue with them. We choose whether or not to learn, to grow, to love, to hate, to be happy, to be bitter. Other people cannot make these choices for us. God cannot even make these choices for us, for he gave us the gift of free will. When Moses spoke to God on Mt. Sinai and asked, “Who are you,” he received the response, “I AM.” Keep in mind that loving ourselves does NOT make us selfish; it aligns us with our most important relationships, God and our true nature, higher spirit. Love and honor yourself enough to do what’s best for you, but also love and honor others enough to allow them to do what’s best for them, so that together we can create a harmonious and loving universe.
Lightworker Lisa
Until next time, may your days be brighter and your lives be lighter.
Let me ignite the light in your life!
If you would like to submit a question for publication, you can email me directly at lisa@lightworkerlisa.com.
A Lightworker is someone with an innate ability to know and heal. Lightworkers believe it is their divine mission or higher purpose to write, teach or counsel others that spiritual methods can heal any situation. Lightworkers are souls who volunteered, before birth, to help people learn about love and heal from the effects of fear. Lisa Dawn Wax, aka Lightworker Lisa is a born Lightworker, certified Angel Healing Practitioner and Reiki Master Practitioner; all of which basically confirm her intuitive abilities to help, heal and teach. Using reiki (energy healing), guided meditations, divine messages and intuitive readings, she has helped many people to identify the source of their pain, clarify current life situations, and successfully redirect their focus into positive channels. If you are in need of affordable healing and life coaching with immediate results, call her at 561-594-3948 or visit her website www.lightworkerlisa.com.