Cantankerously Yours
What If Women Had Been the First Writers?
By Wendell Abern
Dear Genderphobes,
A few years ago, I watched a wonderful TV show on the Discovery Channel, entitled, “Who Wrote the Bible?”
Fascinating. But as they ticked off some of the prophets responsible for creating the Old Testament, a very obvious fact occurred to me: all the writers were men.
As I thought about it, I realized that everything written before the 18th Century was written by men: the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Koran, the Talmud, writings from ancient Egypt, Persia, Greece, Rome, anything, anywhere … all from men.
I did some research. There actually were a few women writers prior to the Renaissance. I’d never heard of them. No one has ever heard of them.
And when I think about all of the laws and rules and regulations we follow today, many of which have roots that go back centuries, I am struck by another fact: my gender’s ancestors somehow believed that literacy gave them the right to dictate how the other gender should live.
What if it had been the other way around? What if women had been the first writers? That said, I couldn’t resist imagining the kinds of scenarios that might have unfolded.
1 – Somewhere in the Middle East, around 1000 AD. Two young women meet in the marketplace.
“Hey, Sara, hi! How’re the kids?”
“Great, Inga. Yours?”
“Well, Samuel is fine, but the little one has a cold, and you’d think it was my husband who’s sick: kids get sick, Mustafa gets grumpy.”
“Tell me about it. When our kids get sick, Eli becomes an instant martyr.”
“Men. What do they have to do all day, but take care of the house and the kids?”
“Yeah. And then at night, they have a headache.”
“Always. Now Mustafa has a new one. He doesn’t want to wear his veil when he leaves the house.”
“Really? He wants to expose his face, to tempt every sleazy woman in town?”
“Hey, don’t ask me. He thinks the laws are stupid. Wants to know why we can’t change them.”
“Change the – listen, Sara, whatever you do, don’t encourage him. You know men. Next thing you know, they’re going to want to know how to read and write.”
2 – London, circa 1750. Two women meet for lunch at an exclusive club.
“So, Jean, how are things at the office?”
“Going great. Sales are up. Profits are up. It’s home that’s giving me headaches.”
“Martin again?
“Always complaining I don’t give him enough money. ‘Food costs are up. Kids need new clothes.’ Never ends.”
“Know what I told Kenneth? If he managed things better, there’d never be a problem.”
“D’that work?”
“For a while. Then it’s back to the same old argument.”
“Not the school thing again.”
“Always. Always! He says an education would make him smarter, and then he’d get some job so he could earn money and contribute.
“Doing what? Ironing clothes?”
“Oh, who knows?”
“Well, don’t encourage him. Men! Next thing you know, they’re going to want to go to university.”
3 – Boston, 1875. Sally and Jennifer are having tea at Sally’s house.
“Jennifer, I asked you here because I need some advice.”
“Robert?”
“Robert.”
“What’s he up to now?”
“He’s been going out every Tuesday night, supposedly to play cards with his friends.”
“A woman? A little momby-palomby on the side?”
“That’s what I thought. Then, yesterday, this woman, Susan Somebody-or-other, came up to me while I was at the market. I had no idea who she was or how she knew who I was. She said, ‘Can’t you keep your husband in line? He keeps breaking into our weekly meetings.’”
“I said, ‘What meetings?’ Then she said she’s the president of the local chapter of the Republican Party.!”
“What? A political meeting?
“I couldn’t believe it. I confronted Robert last night. He said he believes he has a right to get involved in politics.”
“Oh, good Lord. Well, don’t encourage him! Men! Next thing you know, they’re going to think they have the right to vote.”
4 – New York, 1970. Executive Suite of major advertising agency. Linda, the CEO, sits behind massive desk; three women sit on chairs facing her.
“Okay, Georgette, sounds like the research department is doing fine. Judy, how are all your geniuses down in the creative department?”
“Problems. First, Barbara.”
“Oh, not again. She’s going to get us sued, Judy!”
“I’ve warned her and warned her. The whole secretarial pool is complaining. She’s either grabbing one of them or making suggestive comments. Problem is, she’s the best art director in the agency.”
“I don’t care how good she is. You tell her I said if she doesn’t learn to keep them in her blouse, she’s fired. What else?”
“Steven Weller.”
“Really? I thought you liked him.
“I do. He’s great. But he feels we’re – we’re overlooking him. Had a long chat with him last Friday. He’s all upset. Says he has been here two years, solved some of our toughest problems – and he has – but he hasn’t advanced. And in that time, I’ve promoted three of the women.”
“Mm. What do you think?”
“I think he’d be terrific as a supervisor.”
“Okay, Let’s do it. But he’s the only guy in your department. Let’s wait until the end of the year. Word gets around, we’re going to hear from all the men. Everybody’s going to want a promotion.”
“Yeah. Men. Next thing you know, they’re going to want to make as much money as we do.”
# # #
One can’t help but wonder how different our world would be had women been the first writers. Personally, I’ve had so much fun just thinking about it that I have some leftover scenarios. I just may use them in a future column.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@gmail.com
