Health and Wellness Fest at Whole Foods Plaza
A Wellington Chamber Event
Chaired by Dr. Randall Laurich and Johnny Meier
June, 2013 – Happy Father’s Day and Happy June
June, 2013 – Happy Father’s Day and Happy June!
Video by Stella Martinelli
Please click around and explore the new articles and photos for June, 2013 on AroundWellington.com! For advertising, call our representative Shawn Thompson at (561) 386-1372 or call our office at (561) 965-6617.
June, 2013 – Good Shepherd Lawn Care
AW Spotlight
Good Shepherd Lawn Care
By Krista Martinelli
These days it might seem hard to find a lawn care service that will bring dependability and integrity to the job. There are so many of these companies available in our “Around Wellington” area. That’s why it’s refreshing to find Good Shepherd Lawn Care, a lawn and landscaping service that you can depend upon.
Owner Pauleon Pierre has been in business for eighteen years, and he is state, county and city licensed. Good Shepherd services customers in Palm Beach County and Broward County. “In eighteen years, I have never lost a customer due to quality issues – only to budget issues,” says Pierre. With some companies undercutting the average lawn care business and offering to do lawn care for only $19 per month, customers are sometimes tempted to go with the cheapest option. However, Pierre warns that these low-ball estimates are not as they appear, and most of his customers end up coming back (after they find that there are many extra “a la carte” charges for every little thing and that the lawn is not properly maintained).
In general, he says that it’s important to make sure your lawn is getting cut about three or four times a week in the summer and about twice a week in the winter. If you’re a home owner, you already know that there’s a lot more involved than just cutting the grass. Here are the services that Good Shepherd has to offer . . .
- Lawn maintenance
- Hedging
- Weeding
- Leaf blowing
- Landscaping, including designing and re-building
- Clean up of major areas
- Sprinkler system repairs
- Fertilizing
- Treatment for various pests, including chinch bugs
- Tree trimming and tree removal
- Stump grinding
- Mulch
- Sod and re-planting of grass
- All related landscaping concerns
Pauleon Pierre prides himself in working well with the customer. “I’m very good about telling the customer when something needs to be done.” And it’s true – there will be a friendly knock on the door, followed by some straight talk about what needs to be done – whether it’s getting rid of a pest problem, sprinkler system repair, tree trimming in time for hurricane system or whatever the current need is. He gives his estimate, but at the same time, he doesn’t push too hard, as most customers are working with limited budgets in this economy. “We will work with you, but I will always recommend what needs to be done.”
At Good Shepherd, they will handle your outdoor hurricane preparations. This requires trimming all of the major trees by the house, taking down coconuts, taking down wide branches and basically making sure that the wind can blow through the treetops easily. The hurricane trimmings need to be done by the end of May or by the first week in June, according to Pierre.
Pauleon Pierre is a go-getter and a good business man. Prior to this lawn care business, he was a taxi driver for ten years. He had the idea to start a lawn care business and printed 1,000 business cards, giving them to his taxi customers who seemed interested. As soon as he had enough customers to begin, he left his job as a taxi driver and launched the business. He made over $1,000 in his first month and grew the business quickly, month by month. He kept getting larger contracts and investing in bigger and better equipment. He was able to win the contract on three upscale, gated communities, which required more staff and even more equipment. He is prepared for any job, large or small – entire neighborhoods or individual lawns.
A religious man, Pierre is thankful to God for helping his business and helping his family. He continues to give thanks for each successful day and he is grateful for his employees. “Most of them have been with me for the whole eighteen years,” he says. “We work together, we eat together, we don’t fight. I’ve never had to fire anyone.”
For first time customers, Good Shepherd Lawn Care offers a 20% OFF special (for any service) as long as the customer continues with the service after that. Their rates do not change whether it’s summer or winter; the monthly fee remains the same. Most importantly, Pauleon always aims for the best service and does so without talking negatively about his competition. “In this business, character is very important,” says Pierre. He prides himself on keeping his word and keeping it positive.
Pauleon Pierre is living in a house “full of girls.” He’s been happily married for 32 years. His own daughters are all in college at ages 26, 24 and 20. His niece, 23 years old, also lives with him. He and his wife married in 1981 and moved to the United States. “I am overprotective of my family,” he says with a smile. They are always busy – the girls with their college work, his wife as a nurse and Pauleon with his lawn service and church work.
Giving back
In addition to his business, Pierre takes annual missionary trips to Haiti, the country where he grew up. His sister started these missions and asked him for his help fifteen years ago. He was happy to be able to provide financial support and to join her on the trip to Haiti. As a minister able to perform services in the U.S. and in Haiti, he also makes a point of marrying couples whenever he travels to Haiti. Last year he married 73 couples in Haiti. This year, when he visits in July, it will be over 90 couples. He gathers good-quality, used wedding clothing from Faith Farm and lends them to the brides and grooms. Also he explains that there are many more people living with disabilities in Haiti, so he also gathers medical equipment from hospitals (like walkers) and delivers them to people in need when he takes his trips. Delivering clothing and medical equipment is all a part of his mission. For more information about his organization, ask Pauleon Pierre about Foundation Missionary Haiti.
Are you ready? If you’re ready for a new lawn care service, give Good Shepherd Lawn Care a call! Whether you’re tired of doing the work yourself or you’re tired of poor results from your current lawn care service, when you turn your yard over to Good Shepherd – you are in good hands!
Good Shepherd Lawn Care
Affordable and Professional
Serving Palm Beach County and Broward County
561-281-6764
(Office/Fax) 561-434-1557
Email: pauleonpierre@yahoo.com
“We create lawns that make you enjoy being outdoors!”
See their coupon on AroundWellington.com, “AW Coupons”
June, 2013 – I Give You Permission . . .
Cultural Corner
“I hereby give you PERMISSION…”
By Lori Hope Baumel
… to be an individual. To set yourself free and experience life without fear of what people think, what they will say or how they will react to your new sense of individuality. I am often told, “I would have loved to have seen that show (movie or exhibit), but I had no one to go with.”
Somehow, in our society, it is acceptable for us to shop, cook, work, clean and run errands on our own. We attend the kid’s hockey and basketball games by ourselves, if need be, right? Sometimes, we do enjoyable things like grab an hour at the beach with a good book, take a spin class or get a massage. Why do we have this double standard when it comes to enjoying the arts?
Yes, it is wonderful when you can share an entertaining experience with someone you care about and I do attend most cultural events with my husband. But, more often than not, you are better off attending something by yourself than dealing with:
1) Guilt: the cost of the tickets
2) Worry: I hope he/she likes the show
3) Snoring: “If I elbow him again, I could hurt him.”
It’s unfair to your significant other or friends if you’re an opera lover and they find it barely tolerable. If you enjoy a good chick flick and your spouse would prefer Terminator 15… split up! Go to the theater together, grab a small popcorn, bring your camouflage color Snuggie blanket (seriously, it’s freezing in there), go to separate theaters and enjoy the movie. Life is too short to care about how others in a dark theater might judge. In addition, the experience is something you can discuss with your spouse and your friends afterward.
The benefits:
For example, it is less expensive to get a phenomenal single ticket at the Kravis Center than pay for two seats in the “nosebleed section” of the theater. Last season, I sat anywhere from the third to seventh row in the “center orchestra” section and saw some of the finest orchestras, performers and artists in the world.
I just returned from a trip to New York City. I took a five-day excursion to see four plays in four days before their run was up. Yes, it was wonderful seeing two of the plays with a cousin who enjoys the theater. But, I am quite pleased to say that I sat rather comfortably, on my own, watching Bette Midler and Tom Hanks performing in their respective plays on Broadway.
In the long run, when I tell someone that I saw a particular show, they never ask, “Who did you go with?” The question usually is, “How did you like it?”
So get on out there! Go to a street festival, take a photo safari, bring a sketchpad to a park. Create something beautiful… create a better you.
Live… Go… Do!
Top Five List For June 2013
1) Experience:
Norton Museum of Art
Art After Dark
Features Summer Songwriters Showcase and more…
The Norton’s weekly Art After Dark series – Where Culture and Entertainment Meet – is highlighting the art of songwriting this summer by featuring the popular Chrystal Hartigan Presents…Songwriters Showcase. Art After Dark is held Thursdays from 5 to 9 p.m. at the Norton, and this summer will be free to Florida residents. Hartigan will host three Art After Dark showcases, each featuring a “thematic” lineup of songwriters “in-the-round” from 7 to 8:30 p.m. in the Museum Theater. On June 6, 2013, Inez Barlatier, Gin Blische, formerly of Inhouse; and Charlene Chuckaree, aka “A Girl Named Chuck will be the featured singer-songwriters.
Take note: the Museum is offering Free Thursdays to Florida Residents during June, July, and August, and free admission to active military and their families from Memorial Day weekend through Labor Day weekend.) During the summer, visitors also can enjoy Curators’ Conversations, discussing artworks and exhibitions with the Museum’s curators and educators.
…And for the kids! Families will have their hands full, quite literally, as the special exhibition Block by Block: Inventing Amazing Architecture opens June 20, featuring a play area where visitors can build using LEGO bricks. In addition, special nights feature DIY (Do It Yourself) Art Projects for kids to explore creative concepts in architecture.
Also new during Art After Dark, the restaurant will be offering a selection of gourmet pizzas! To find out more about Art After Dark, log onto www.norton.org.
2) Read:
In Defense OF Food, by Michael Pollan
Michael Pollan’s credo, “Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants.” Is the basis for this highly informative, yet flowing read. Normally considered a rather dry, scientific subject, Pollan’s theory about food science draws you in on a very personal level.
I, in particular enjoyed the AUDIBLE.COM audiobook narrated by Scott Brick. It covers nutrition science, the public’s confusion about what is considered to be healthy food, and a basic introduction to the chemical content of food and it’s nutrients. At times, Mr. Pollan’s writing style is somewhat tongue in cheek, resulting in a much more enjoyable (listening) experience than I expected.
3) Join Your Neighbors for:
Free summer films, concerts and Wellington’s own Food Truck Invasion at:
The Wellington Amphitheater
For more info see: http://www.wellingtonfl.gov/community/amphitheater.html
4) Experience:
JAZZIZ NIGHTLIFE… for a New York kind of “Night On The Town”
“JAZZIZ Nightlife fuses indoor and outdoor fine dining and lounges with state-of the-art music/video recording and design studios, print, online and broadcast media properties, daily jazz club shows, weekly concerts from national recording artists and annual outdoor music festivals; offering a palette of music, culinary and lounge delights, masterful live performances, events and social experiences.”
– JAZZIZ website
This Boca Raton Venue will be featuring top talent during what would normally be a rather quiet season for entertainment in South Florida! The whole summer is filled with noted Jazz greats like Bobby Caldwell on June 5 & 6.
My pick: On June 20, 2013 Jazz icons, Saxophonist David Sanborn and Keyboardist Bob James, join forces after a 35-year hiatus and bring along Grammy-winning drummer Steve Gladd and bassist James Genus. JAZZIZ Nightlife is one of the few intimate venues in the world featuring this powerful quartet. Two shows: 7 & 9 PM
See this incredible duo collaborate on YouTube:
CLICK ON: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=BxyrHFK2Uxk#!
Also appearing at JAZZIZ on June 26 & 27: Kevin Eubanks
“Kevin Eubanks is an American jazz guitarist, composer who entered the music scene in the late 70’s before becoming the leader of Jay Leno’s The Tonight Show Band from 1995 to 2010. Eubank’s comes from a family with a long line of musical super talents.”
– JAZZIZ website
For ticket prices, dinner reservations and more information log on to: www.jazziznightlife.com
5) Listen: to National Public Radio (NPR):
Yes, sometimes it feels like we live in the boondocks and our radio reception is often on the border of static and almost inaudible. Yet, here in Palm Beach County, we have several National Public Radio stations. Depending on your location, we have access to 90.7 FM (Classical South Florida), 91.3 FM (WLRN, Miami) and 101.9 (WXEL, Palm BeachCounty).
It often pains me to know that some of the most intelligent, artistic people I come across have never even heard of this audio phenomenon. I started listening to WLRN, while attending the University of Miami and I have been hooked since. Now, in the glorious digital age, we have access to podcasts of great shows via the many free NPR apps for your smartphone, iPod or tablet and on a computer at NPR.org. If you have difficulty tuning in on your radio, you can download or stream a podcast.
Programs covering the latest in news, reviews, music, arts and life, food, books, film, pop culture and more can be heard at your own convenience. In addition, there are years of archived shows and interviews right at your fingertips. NPR has been one of the greatest cultural experiences I’ve ever had. It has shaped my very existence! I hope you add it to your daily experience as well.
I would highly recommend you tune in to any of the following shows or podcasts:
- All Things Considered
- Ask Me Another
- Cabinet of Wonders
- Car Talk
- The Diane Rehm Show
- Fresh Air
- Morning Edition
- On The Media
- On Point
- Talk of the Nation
- TED Radio Hour
- Tell Me More
- Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me!
- Weekend Edition Saturday
- Weekend Edition Sunday
- … And much, much more!
Wait until you have your first driveway moment! A driveway moment is the term used for true NPR devotees who don’t want to get out of their car until a particular story has concluded. Just go to NPR.org and see for yourself.
Explore the site, change your life.
******
Lori Baumel and her husband Eric Baumel live in Wellington and have three grown children. Their eldest, Sam, 26, is a media producer who currently resides in (extremely hipster) Brooklyn, NY. Rachel, 23, and Evan, 21, wrote the Around Wellington “Teen Talk” column in previous years. Eric has practiced radiology in Wellington since 1991. His many talents include artist, cook, photographer and, recently, medical app developer. You can learn more about Lori at www.loribaumel.com and read her blog at www.grownupcamp.tumblr.com.
June, 2013 – Pet Hurricane Evacuation Kit
Dog Walkin Wellington
Pet Hurricane Evacuation Kit
By Mark Planco, Planco Veterinary Care
Preparing for hurricane season must include making preparations for your pets. Having a pet evacuation kit is an essential part of being prepared since hurricane season has arrived again. Waiting for a storm to threaten our coast may be too late.
The first step is to make sure your pet is up to date on all vaccinations and lab tests. If you must evacuate to a shelter you must have these requirements or the shelter won’t allow your pet in. Boarding facilities have the same requirements. Obtaining the records at the last minute is easy and quick, getting in for the appointment may not be. If you have to evacuate, I probably do too (at Planco Veterinary Care).
For cats you should have an ample sized carrier for each individual. It should be large enough for food, water and a litter box. Bring a litter scooper and plastic bags for disposal. You should also have a collar or harness with identification on it and a leash so you always have control when he/she is out of her carrier.
For dogs you should have a collar or harness with ID and leashes. Small dogs that will fit comfortably in carriers should have one. You should also be prepared to clean up after your dog in case walking outside is unsafe.
All animals should have at least one favorite toy picked out to make the evacuation tolerable. Food and water should be packed in air tight containers enough for at least one week. Animals on continuous medications should keep ample quantity on hand in case a storm arises. Most can be provided quickly, but some meds may run out and need to be ordered, which may be too late. During the summer months refill meds before they completely run out. If your pet is on a medication that has a long expiration date, keep an extra week or two in your evacuation kit. We try to keep enough stock of all necessary meds but don’t miss out, stock up early.
Another very important part of preparing for a hurricane is to make sure your pet (including horses) has a microchip. If they get lost without their collar or lose their collar they can be found and returned to you through their microchip. If your pet is not microchipped you can learn more at this link: www.public.homeagain.com/index.html
For any additional ideas or comments, please email us at planco@plancovetcare.com.
June, 2013 – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Living Green
Reduce, Reuse and Recycle
By Bryan Hayes
“Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.” All three of these things help the community as well as the environment, and each are important in their own regard. One of these three though often gets the most attention. Recycling is talked about all the time, although reducing and reusing are just as vital.
The concept of reusing became more personal for me last week. It also got me thinking about how often items are not reused. In my case, I went by my former residence where I found that they had discarded all of the plants that were around the outside of the house. Digging up the plants and getting rid of them is, of course, their prerogative. But to me, it would have been nice if they had replanted them elsewhere instead of disposing of them in the garbage.
Plants are easy to transplant, but what about other objects and items that we use every day? How can they be reused? A good example of ingenuity and creativity can be illustrated through the many uses people have found for wooden pallets. The same pallets that are used for transporting goods have been transformed into everything from furniture, to headboards, to even beds themselves, and more.
The most amazing utilization of wood pallets I have seen thus far is using them to build houses. Most are rather small, with one out-of-state idea being to use pallet houses as a cost-effective temporary housing solution for the homeless. If you make use of your favorite search engine, you can even search the internet and find directions on how to build your very own pallet house.
Reusing pallets seems to be a relatively simple concept. Wood is a basic building material. It merely takes some time, effort, and again a little ingenuity to transform the wood into something else and in doing so reinventing its use all together.
Another example locally of someone who is reusing available materials is a condo association that is taking donations of used sheets, blankets and towels from their tenants with those items collected being donated to a local animal shelter. Where there is a will there is a way, as they say. By working together a very cost-effective solution in this case was found to fill a need.
Donating used clothing is always a great thing to do. There are many local groups and organizations who welcome donations. Of course, then again, if you are the youngest child in a large family you may know all too well the idea about reusing clothing. But, then again, that really is the point. Sometimes we do not realize the sacrifices people have to make, in order to simply survive. A young child may not appreciate their parents and the sacrifices they make until that child is much older.
The “hand me down” shirt may not be the latest and greatest, but a shirt is a basic need. Food and clothing are often two basic needs we take for granted, while there are many out there who go without much too often. Donating to others is a way to not only reuse but also reduce. What may be unused in our closet or pantry may be just what someone else needs at the moment.
Since there are such creative individuals with amazing ingenuity, I welcome you to share your own stories with us. I encourage you to submit your own examples, ideas and even photos of fun ways in which you have reused items with the intention being to inspire others through your efforts. You can email me at bryanwhayes@aol.com or our editor at editor@aroundwellington.com, subject “Living Green Ideas.”
Editor’s Note: You can “like” the Facebook Page “Living Green” or join the Facebook Group “Living Green” too!
Bryan Hayes is an actor, amateur photographer, business consultant and full-time lover
of all things living. To check out more from Bryan Hayes, please visit his blog
at:http://outofthehaze.wordpress.com/
June, 2013 – Yummy Treats: Summer Salad
Summer Strawberry Salad with Poppyseed Dressing
By Katie Duchock
This is a popular summer salad, great for bringing to pot luck events or just enjoying at home. For the salad, you can use any kind of lettuce, strawberries and optional: crumbled cheese (like bleu cheese), chopped walnuts and thinly sliced Bermuda onion. Add salt & pepper to taste.
Poppyseed Dressing:
1/2 cup mayo
2 Tablespoons vinegar (I use apple cider)
1/3 cup of sugar (I use less)
1/4 cup of whole milk (I used half and half)
2 tablespoons of poppyseeds
Toss the salad just before serving and enjoy!
June, 2013 – Guest List
As I Was Saying
Guest List
By Alan Williamson
“Your room is waiting,” my wife cheerfully tells friends and relatives in far-flung corners of the country. It’s part of her ongoing “Southern Hospitality” campaign to tempt someone into a trip to Fort Lauderdale so she can coax them into spending a few nights in our seldom used guest bedroom.
“We never have house guests,” she says disappointedly. “And we live in a vacation paradise.”
“House guests,” I hasten to remind her, “are like fish. After three days they start to stink, and after a week they stink in a way that makes fleeing in the night seem like a reasonable option.”
Still, living in a bona fide “vacation paradise,” we find ourselves making the obligatory open invitation to whoever’s on the other end of the phone. The wholeheartedness of the offer differs slightly, depending on whether it’s being issued by me or my wife.
Sherry: “Come on down. You’ll have your own bedroom and bathroom, a key to the house, and you’re a mile and a half from the beach.”
Me: “It’s hot as hell here but you’re welcome to come. The foldout’s not too painful, the bathroom has a door on it, and you can help yourself to what’s in the fridge — barbecue sauce and seltzer.”
It’s a natural fact that, by their very presence, even the best house guests disrupt the normal ebb and flow of their hosts’ daily lives. Prolonged visits can set free powerful feelings, including anguish, grief, loathing, rage, and finally, intense longing that the ordeal will eventually end.
To ensure that everyone maintains a protective layer of comfort and no one gets hurt, I find it’s a good idea to set down a few house rules before guests arrive. Mine are as follows:
1) No asking “if you’ve been having trouble with that toilet in there.” I haven’t. You’re on your own.
2) No suggesting “we all go to that big flea market we heard about.” I’ve been and lived to tell about it. Now it’s your turn.
3) No offering to “treat” if we go to some tacky tourist attraction with you. It won’t work. Just go, and leave the money on the dresser.
4) No talking during any television show I’ve described as “one of the few things I look forward to watching every week.” In other words, “at the sound of a commercial, please give me your name and a brief message.”
5) No walking around in your underwear before midnight.
6) No walking around in your underwear after midnight.
7) No walking around in my underwear at any time.
Make no mistake. We welcome guests at our home . . . we really do. I just know from experience that unless precautions are taken, there comes a breaking point that shatters the fragile harmony of a habitat holding too much humanity.
In retrospect, our guests should have seen it coming. My flushed face, my trembling lip, the festering hostility of a thousand frustrations coming to a head. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about asking me where the fire extinguisher is while I’m watching Amish Mafia.
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction
(advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky
going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy
super model. Alan can be reached at alwilly@bellsouth.net. © 2013 Alan Williamson.
June, 2013 – Lovely Lunch and Stroll
The Florida Foodie
A Lovely Lunch and Stroll at the Morikami Museum & Japanese Gardens
By Saucy Sarah
The Morikami Museum & Japanese Gardens, located in Boca Raton off Jog Road is a botanical treasure in Palm Beach County. The Morikami gives the public the opportunity to experience Japanese culture through meticulously manicured gardens, museum exhibits, special events, and also food. 
The Cornell Café, located at the Morikami is an open-air dining experience offering an inspired Pan-Asian menu 11:00am to 3:00pm Tuesday thru Sunday. The Food Network has named the Cornell Café at Morikami one of the top three museum food destinations in the country. It is definitely worth the drive for a great lunch and a little bit of culture. Admission to the Morikami is required to dine at the Cornell Café. Adult admission is $13.00, children are $8.00. There is a senior price and children under five are free.
I took my mother for Mother’s Day for their three course pre-fix menu – a nice sampling of their regular menu. For our starter, we chose the crab cake and bang bang shrimp ($7.25). Delightfully crunchy small crab cakes with a mustard aioli and tempura shrimp in a sweet glaze. For our main course, we selected the sushi sampler plate ($8.95) and the Mahi Mahi with mango chutney ($10.95).
The Cornell Café offers an impressive array of sushi and sashimi. The combo plate allows you to try a variety of what the café offers. I was delighted by the offerings on the combo platter. All the sushi was prepared with care and made with high quality ingredients. The Morikami also offers a Sushi & Stroll series where you can sample their sushi and stroll the gardens certain nights of the year. Call for details.
Along with the sushi, the café has other Asian inspired entrees. The Mahi Mahi with mango chutney was a marvel. The outside of the fish had a golden lacquered bark that was crunchy and kept the interior of the fish moist and flaky. The chutney was a nice compliment to the rich savory fish. The vegetable medley that accompanied the fish was crisp and fresh. A perfect pairing.
For our dessert we chose a Mango Cheesecake ($4.25) and a Chocolate Mousse Cake ($4.25). Both were good, typical restaurant dessert fare. I would like to go back and try some of their more inspired Japanese sweets such as the Japanese cake roll; sponge cake layered with a fresh cream filling ($2.50) or the Manju ice cream; two ice cream bon bons wrapped in rice paste ($2.95).
After your meal, take a leisurely stroll around the gardens, check out the current museum exhibits and immerse yourself fully in the Japanese culture. A trip to the Morikami is all about serenity and enjoyment. One trip and you will want to return often.
In her previous life, Sarah, a Palm Beach County Native, spent ten years working in various high-end eating establishments around South Florida. She is currently a fiction thesis candidate in the MFA program at Florida International University where she also teaches creative writing and rhetoric. If that is not enough, Sarah is also the owner of Cakes by Sarah, a local custom cake shop. Sarah lives in Lake Worth with her husband and two beautiful boys. “Food, fiction, and family are my life.”
June, 2013 – Cantankerously Yours: A License That Comes With Age
A License That Comes With Age: Giving Advice
Dear Bumpkins,
I have always felt that I am fairly intellig
ent. And even though I have been doling out suggestions and advice to friends and relatives since I was nine years old, no one has ever listened to me.
Well, I’m now 80 years old, and I’ve decided … to hell with everyone. My age entitles me to impart my wisdom to people whether they ask me for it or not.
So I am devoting this column to advising members of my own gender. And if you gentlemen choose not to heed my remarkable kernels of wisdom, you may well commit some of the same embarrassing and stupid blunders I have. And it will serve you right.
First of all, guys, accept the fact that when it comes to male-female relationships, the dumbest woman in the world knows more than the smartest man. And face the fact, once and for all, that women are smarter than we are.
Oh, stop grousing. I have 80 years of pratfalls and pitfalls to support this claim. Read. Learn. Avoid.
1 – To young guys in their early teens.
Today, with Facebook, chat pages, blogs and other Internet sites, it’s fairly easy to make first contact with that cute girl sitting next to you in history class. But there comes a time when you want to make a phone call. Terrifying.
At the age of thirteen, when I had decided to call Jackie — the beautiful, popular Jackie — I asked my good friend Lou how to get started. He said, “Make a list of topics to talk about.” I tried. I couldn’t think of anything besides the Chicago White Sox.
“Terrific,” Lou said. “I’m sure she can’t wait to talk about the Chicago White Sox.”
“But I know about them. I can talk about them.”
“So what? She’s a girl, peabrain! What’s she gonna do? Ask you who’s playing shortstop? Look, forget the list. Here’s what you do. Break the ice by saying something unexpected when she answers.”
I called, and when Jackie answered, I said, “Hi Jackie, this is Clark Gable.” The response was a deep sigh and an impatient, “Who is this?” I told her I was Lou. She said she was busy and couldn’t talk. Lou has never forgiven me.
Lesson. Learn from a peabrain. Make a list. A smart list. Negative on wrestlemania, monster truck rallies and the Playmate of the Month.
2 – You’ve been in a relationship for several years.
Consider the following scenario:
You’re driving somewhere with your significant other sitting beside you. You pull up at a stop light and notice a gorgeous blonde in the car next to you. She’s an absolute bombshell. You can’t take your eyes off her.
Dummy! Guess who’s sitting right next to you?
The light changes. You drive off. You get to your destination and park. And now, five minutes later, she will turn and ask, “Did you find her attractive?” And of course, you will pretend innocence by asking, “Who?”
This is when she will get out, slam the door and accuse you, rightfully, of being stupid because you think she is.
Lesson: Women come equipped with special intuitive genes, ESP, and eyes in back of their heads. Ergo: you can never get away with anything.
3 – The woman is out of your league.
Happens occasionally to most guys. If you’re lucky. Happened to me several years ago when my cousin — who was in the Naval reserves — asked if I would take his fiancee to dinner while he was on a two-week training program.
Of course! I would take Connie to Patagonia, let alone dinner! Fortunately, he asked me over the phone so he couldn’t see me slobbering. The word “gorgeous” did not do her justice. To this day, Connie, for reasons still unknown to me, teaches elementary school instead of starring in movies.
When you take a knockout like Connie to dinner, there comes a glorious moment when you walk through the restaurant with her and become The Invisible Man. Every pair of eyes in the place followed Connie as she went to our table. No one even knew I was there until I sat down. I chuckled. Gloated. Smirked. It was that delicious moment when I knew everyone in the restaurant was thinking, “What the hell is she doing with him?”
Now read and learn, guys. When you are with a stunning woman, just be yourself! I wish someone had given me that advice. Instead, I decided to morph into Sam Smooth.
The waiter came to take our drink order. Connie ordered the house wine. In a very suave, debonair tone, I ordered the house diet cola.
Connie chortled. Not good. Chortles are only good when they are with you and not because of you. And even then, my faux pas could have been quickly overlooked if the waiter hadn’t compounded my idiocy by saying, “Yes sir, what year?”
Lesson: Do not risk being called Carl Cannonmouth the rest of your life. Learn to keep your mouth shut.
4 – Internet Dating.
I told my kids I was going to check out “Dating for Seniors.”
I shared with them my first message: “Elderly; fit-looking for attractive woman interested in a meaningless relationship.”
Haven’t heard the end of it. My kids, terrified they really do carry my genes, have signed up for DNA testing.
Lesson: Do not share your romantic quests with your kids. Let them think you’re doddering.
5 – To all men of all ages.
Whether your relationship with your woman is brand new or decades old, this will always work:
Never be horizontal when she is vertical.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@comcast.net.