As I Was Saying
The Case of the Crouching Speed Bump
By Alan Williamson
The following transcript is taken from a small claims court action brought by motorist Alan Williamson against Broward County Speed Bump # 237853-G.
JUDGE: Please state your name and complaint before this court.
AW: My name is Alan Williamson and I’m seeking damages for pain and suffering against the speed bump that attacked me and my Ford Mustang on the morning of January 21.
JUDGE: Is the accused speed bump present in this courtroom?
AW: Oh yeah, he’s standing over there in full view, unlike the morning he was playing crouching tiger, hidden dragon in the middle of the road.
JUDGE: Broward County speed bump # 237853-G, please identify yourself.
SPEED BUMP: I’m here your honor, which means the street I’m assigned to protect is currently at the mercy of reckless, whiny, self-absorbed motorists like Mr. Williamson.
AW: Your honor, I object to the name calling. I could have called him “Bump-a-Lula Boy” but I held back.
JUDGE: Objection sustained. I’ll do the name calling in this court room. Okay Whiny Why Me, describe what happened on the day in question.
AW: It was a sunny day, a quiet street – I was driving the speed limit. I had no reason to believe that danger hid in plain sight, smack dab in the middle of the road.
SPEED BUMP: I wasn’t hiding, your honor. I was just doing my job keeping the street safe from the likes of lead-footed lunatics like Whiny Willy over there.
JUDGE: That’s enough, Humpty Bumpty. You’ll get your say. Continue Whiny Willy.
AW: My car suddenly hit something hard and lurched upward. It was a moment of swift and blinding violence so sudden, so jarring, that I heard myself yell “SUCCOTASH.”
JUDGE: You yelled succotash?
AW: It’s a word meant to describe a nauseating lima bean and corn dish, your honor, but in this case it was a knee-jerk expression of my shock and distress.
JUDGE: Wasn’t there a cartoon character that use to say “suffering succotash”?
SPEED BUMP: I believe you’re thinking of Sylvester the Cat, your honor, though Daffy Duck was also known to use the phrase on occasion.
JUDGE: I loved Sylvester the Cat. He really knew how to deliver a catchphrase. “S-s-s-uffering s-s-succotash!”
AW: Your honor, may I continue?
JUDGE: Wait, one more time: “S-s-s-uffering s-s-succotash!” Okay, please go on Mr. Whiny.
AW: The speed bump wasn’t there the last time I came through that street. What’s more, the way the trees cast shadows over the road put the speed bump’s presence on a par with a concealed weapon.
SPEED BUMP: What was I suppose to do – jump up and down and wave at you? I’m a speed bump. I’ve got the mobility of a beached whale!
AW: You’re a snake in the grass is what you are!
JUDGE: Simmer down, Forrest Bump. Mr. Whiny, cut to the chase please.
AW: Your honor, I view this unprovoked act of aggression by Broward County Speed Bump # 237853-G as an outright physical assault on me and my vehicle.
JUDGE: Where is your vehicle now?
AW: It’s been sitting at home in a darkened garage since the incident. It doesn’t perk up when I clean it. It doesn’t go out anymore. It’s completely traumatized.
JUDGE: What are you asking in damages?
AW: I request that the court award me $5,000 for pain and suffering, plus the cost of a front-end alignment and new struts and shock-absorbers, preferably the Monroe Sensa-Trac brand or a product of equal or greater quality.
JUDGE: Mr. Bump-a-Rama, what is your defense.
SPEED BUMP: I know I’m not very popular. Speed bumps don’t get much respect in this fast-paced world. I get that. If someone’s not barreling over us and cursing out their window, they’re badmouthing us to their friends, blaming us for everything from being late for work to having their tailpipe fall off. And your honor, if you’ve ever had your tailpipe fall off, you know just how painful that can be.
JUDGE: Suffering succotash, it hurts like the dickens.
SPEED BUMP: It does indeed. But when all is said and done, I’ve got a job to do. I’m out there laying my life on the line every day and night so people will slow down and drive safe. So kids can frolic freely and dogs and cats can stray from the yard when other dogs and cats make mocking, Ricky Gervais-like comments about them.
AW: Objection your honor. Speed Stick’s laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?
JUDGE: Overruled. But you’re this close to rubbing me the wrong way, Speed Stick.
SPEED BUMP: All I’m saying is, I’m out there so that people like Mr. Williamsburg can live in nice neighborhoods where you don’t risk life and limb crossing the street to borrow a caulking gun, some balsamic vinegar or an unattended flatscreen TV.
AW: That was my house, my caulking gun, my balsamic vinegar, my TV.
SPEED BUMP: I, me, mine. I, me, mine. It’s all about him, isn’t it? I’m not the villain here, your honor . . . just an easy scapegoat in a selfish world where everyone’s going nowhere fast.
AW: I was going to the dentist and I was doing 30.
JUDGE: I’ve heard enough to make a ruling. Please stand.
SPEED BUMP: I am standing.
AW: And you wonder why I didn’t see him?
JUDGE: It is the decision of this court, namely me, that the next time you two cross paths, there be a dash-cam in the car to turn the whole thing into a hilarious YouTube video. Case dismissed!
AW: Wait, that’s it? No money? No restitution? This is a travesty, a sham, a farce and a circus. What kind of ruling is that?
JUDGE: It’s the kind of ruling you get when you don’t have a hilarious YouTube video featuring a sneaky-steep speed bump and a guy yelling “succotash” as his tailpipe snaps off and his head slaps against the roof of his car.
SPEED BUMP: Man has a point.
AW: See you tomorrow morning around 8?
SPEED BUMP: Not if I see you first.
AW: Game on, bump breath.
SPEED BUMP: My crouch is your ouch.
AW: You should be a standup comedian. Oh wait – speed bumps can’t stand up!
SPEED BUMP: You’re going down, clown!
AW: Roll over bump-toven!
SPEED BUMP: Well s-s-suffering s-s-succotash!
AW: Hey that’s my line!
SPEED BUMP: Not anymore!
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at alwilly@bellsouth.net. © 2010 Alan Williamson.