Don’t Leave the Catnip Out!
BERKEL
Conversations With My Cat
By Jon Frangipane
I wasn’t coming home to a pretty wife every night anymore. I tried that twice, and the thought of becoming a three-time loser just wasn’t going to be in the cards. It was decision-making time.
In an attempt to cure my loneliness, I had purchased a baby iguana, but soon it had grown much too large to keep in my bedroom anymore, and the lovebird replacement had decided to fly the coop, which saddened me, terribly. And then finding my costly tropical fish floating motionless in their tank every morning was certainly a downer.
Noticing my depression, at work they gave me a swell ant farm for my birthday, but the delight and thrill of watching ants tunnel night and day soon wore off.
There just has to be a solution to my loneliness, I mused. So, in wild anticipation, I set out one beautiful Saturday morning and headed for a very old, small, dilapidated animal shelter a few miles away.
As I entered and made my way through a narrow hallway, crowded with animal lovers, I asked a young teenage girl volunteer, “Do you happen to have any barkless dogs, you know, dogs that don’t bark?”
“Is that supposed to be funny?” she said.
“No,” I answered, “but between this big crowd of people and howling dogs, the cacophony makes it very difficult to think straight.”
“Well, just don’t think straight at all, just follow your heart,” she replied.
“Do you happen to have any quiet animals today, by any chance?” I asked.
The volunteer wiggled her right index finger. “This way, sir!” she smiled.
I was led to a room – a quiet room, filled with what looked like little, sweet, cuddly and quiet fuzzballs.
“Oh my!” I exclaimed, “so many pussycats to pick from, all of them too loveable for words!”
“Good luck,” said the volunteer as she left.
Suddenly, I hear a tiny, squeaky voice yell out, “Hey, choose me! Hey, choose me!” And over in the far corner, I see a little paw sticking out of a wire cage, motioning me to come over.
“Am I seeing, or hearing things?” I blurt out. As I rush over to the cage, there’s a very tiny tabby cat with his fuzzy face pushing up against the wire cage that looked up at me with two sad and sorrowful eyes. My heart sank!
“Listen little pussycat, did I hear you say, ‘Hey, choose me?’”
“You listen to me, bozo! I happen to have a name, and my name is Berkel! Get it, Berkel!” He then stuck his tongue out at me.
“Why, you nasty little thing!” I shouted. “Who do you think you are?”
“Well, who do you think you are?” screamed Berkel.
“Alright, alright, let’s both try to talk rationally,” I suggested. Did I just say that to a tabby cat?
Berkel stuck his little paw out the cage. “Let’s shake on it, okay buddy?”
I looked around to see if anyone was watching, and then shook Berkel’s paw. A talking cat may be just the thing I need to cure my loneliness, I thought. Berkel was licking his butt.
“Listen Berkel, I hate to interrupt, but what in the world is your secret? How are you able to carry on a conversation?
“Let me explain,” said Berkel. “You see, the young lady volunteer you met a while ago has been slipping me some extra catnip every night for past few weeks, and a few days ago, right out of the blue, I was able to say a few words, and then a few sentences. And now —I’m able to talk your ear off!”
“But why did you choose to speak to me?”
“Because you looked so pathetic; like you real loser. Why?”
“Well, you’re right. You see, my life has been rather lonely and I just thought that maybe you and I could possibly, you know…”
“You know what? Berkel queried.
“I mean let’s suppose I was to supply you with a certain amount of catnip every day, would you agree to have conversations with me?”
“You sure are pathetic,” said Berkel.
I suddenly realized I was being trapped and becoming an enabler. I would be supplying a stash for my pussycat!
“Just get me out of this here dump,” Berkel screamed, “and I’ll do all the darn talking you want!”
“And suppose I don’t feel like talking,” I replied.
“Well, you just better not leave the catnip out! buddy boy,” warned Berkel.
Was I delusional? Was I in my right mind? How was a cat named Berkel able to worm his way into my life? All I do know is that this particular April day was the beginning of many, many days and nights of great joy, of sweet love and — complete pandemonium!
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Copyright © April 2015 Jon Frangipane Revised 2015