As I Was Saying
The New Rules of Flying 
By Alan Williamson
“How was your flight?” is a loaded question these days. Compared to crash landing on a remote island and being harassed by hostile inhabitants, a deadly cloud of black smoke and a man with cultish delusions of Godliness named Jacob, I’d rate most of my flights as passable. But if people in high places in the airline industry are interested, I do have a few suggested changes to make the flying experience less (what’s the word?) turbulent.
New Rule # 1: Cancel “The Price is (Not) Right.” It used to be that if you booked far enough in advance you got a lower rate and if you booked closer to your flight date the rate was higher. Simple. Fair. Logical.
In today’s “The Price is (Not) Right” game, no matter when you book, getting the best price on a flight takes diligent research, impeccable timing and an acceptance of the fact that whatever price you lock in at can be undercut within the next 48 hours by a price 25 to 40 percent lower. Oh, what’s that you say? You want that new, low, low price? No problem. That will cost you a flight cancellation fee of $125 and – oops – the flight you wanted to re-book at the lower rate just went up again by another $100. (Shouldn’t have taken that bathroom break.) So champ, do you want to book it and lock it in or click on the “check flights” button and see what the next price comes in at? Now I don’t know about you, but if I ran the airline show that’s one game of chance I’d pull the plug on faster than you could say Pat Sajak.
New Rule # 2: Involve Passengers in Anti-Terrorism Efforts. Currently, before a commercial airliner takes off, flight attendants instruct all passengers in the use of emergency equipment and check to see that seatbelts are fastened and seats are in the upright positions. Let’s also have them make the following announcement:
“Before we take off, we ask that all passengers please check fellow passengers in your immediate area for any screwballs, weirdos, wackos, misfits, haunted drifters or fidgety religious fanatics.”
Hey, I’m an observant guy and I’m happy to do my part. Besides, I could use a break from thumbing through the Sky Mall catalog fantasizing about buying the Sound-Activated Video Camera Pen, the King Tutankhamen Egyptian Throne Chair, and the Upside Down Tomato Garden.
New Rule # 3: Tighten Passenger Boarding Requirements. Under normal circumstances I’m a live and let live kind of guy. But let’s face it, there’s nothing normal about hurdling through the sky crammed into a metal cylinder with 300 strangers, many of whom are rumored screwballs, weirdos, wackos, misfits, haunted drifters and fidgety religious fanatics. Airport security already screens all passengers for weapons and suspicious paraphernalia. Why not screen for obnoxious personality traits and hazardous health conditions?
Case in point # 1: There was a guy sitting behind me on a summer flight from Fort Lauderdale to Detroit who sneezed and coughed the entire two and a half hours. When he wasn’t sneezing and coughing he was snoring in a way that every time he inhaled you could hear his musical mucus rattling in his sinuses. With a rigorous health screening, this bobble head would be turned away at the gate and told to go Google “immune system” to see if he could pick one up for a future flight.
Case in point # 2: There was a women sitting near me on a recent flight who read her magazine from cover to cover. Sounds pretty harmless, right? The perfect seatmate. I left out one little detail: she read it out loud. Here’s an excerpt:
“Surrounded almost entirely by shallow, neon-bright aqua lagoons, Bora Bora is all about snorkeling.”
Okay, now multiply that by two hours and 30,000 more words. Granted, it would be difficult to root out non-stop talkers at a security screening, but anyone who begins to tell their life story to the person behind them in line while their carry-on bag is being x-rayed should be pulled aside and put in a sound-proof room to be monitored via closed-circuit TV and detained until their lips stop moving.
Look, I realize that some of these “new rules” might come across as harsh and self-serving. Honestly, that’s not where I’m coming from. I offer these suggestions purely in the interests of helping the troubled airline industry rise above their spiraling cost, safety and customer satisfaction problems.
And just to be clear, I’m not looking for any special recognition or major financial reward for my insightful feedback. Round-trip, first-class tickets for my wife and I to anywhere in the United States would be more than adequate as a token gesture of thanks. That, and if it’s not too much trouble, the King Tutankhamen Egyptian Throne Chair from the new Sky Mall catalog (page 88, right next to the underwater pogo stick).
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at [email protected]. © 2011 Alan Williamson.