In Life – Everything is Negotiable
By Jon Frangipane
(Berkel usually curls up under Mr. Crabapple’s desk when he needs a catnap, but the other day he chose his one and only comfortable chair.)
MR. CRABAPPLE: Would it too much trouble for you to find another place to store your big rump, so I can sit down in my own chair?
BERKEL: (Berkel didn’t even raise his head, but he managed to open one eye) Excuse me, Mr. Grapple, but I don’t hear very well when I’m asleep. Would you mind repeating that statement?
MR. CRABAPPLE: If I found time to sleep 18 hours a day like you do, we’d both be on the streets, begging for food without a roof over our heads.
BERKEL: Mabe you’d be on the streets, Mr. Grapple. You don’t seem to be aware that little old Mrs. O’Malley next door loves me to death and told me I could move in with her anytime I’m ready.
MR. CRABAPPLE: Do you realize that I actually work the same, exact amount of hours that you sleep?
BERKEL: Well, no wonder my bowl is always empty. I’m locked in this dungeon you call a house, and I’m half starved because you’re gone the whole day and prowl half the night. Look at me, I’m all skin and bones!
MR. CRABAPPLE: If you call your fat rump skin and bones, then I must get my eyes checked.
BERKEL: While you’re getting your eyes checked, get your nose checked – my litter box is now attracting horseflies and centipedes!
MR. CRABAPPLE: Listen, Berkel, not to change the subject, but you being a Scorpio and me being a Virgo are supposed to be the right ingredients for an ideal relationship, according to our horoscope, that is.
BERKEL: Tell me, oh wise and powerful one, aren’t discussing signs of the Zodiac a pathetic age-old desperate ploy to impress a woman at the local bar by a man, hoping to score points, just before he challenges her to a kamikaze contest? I’m no woman and this ain’t no kamikaze contest!”
MR. CRABAPPLE: Berkel, oh wise and… and…ah…fuzzy one _ I felt it my duty to inform you that Scorpio is one of the most powerful astrological signs. And Scorpios are known as dynamic and excellent leaders, and do not accept failure as an option. You seem to possess all those attributes, as far as I can ascertain.”
BERKEL: Your not getting your chair back, so knock off those sappy, obviously contrived, sugar-coated remarks to trick me into giving up my chair. I don’t accept failure as an option, or did you, perchance, forget what you just said about Scorpios?
MR. CRABAPPLE: Listen, Berky old friend, let’s not quibble, life’s too short.
BERKEL: (Berkel practically puts his nose in Mr. Crabapple’s mouth) Hey, my life expectancy happens to be about 15 years. Yours happens to be 76 years. And you’re telling me life is too short?
MR. CRABAPPLE: I can’t speak with your nose in my mouth, now can I? And besides, I’ve heard that some cats live as long as 30 years!
BERKEL: (shouting) Well, I’d take a wild guess that 30 year-old cats aren’t hounded, harassed and starved all their life as I’ve been. I‘m lucky if I reach age 7 living in this hell hole!
MR. CRABAPPLE: Listen, it’s going to be your 7th birthday in a few months. I’ll invite some of your alley cat friends in and bake a big chocolate cake. What do you think of that?
BERKEL: Mass Murder! It’s called murder when you feed a cat chocolate, or are you just as stupid as you look?
MR. CRABAPPLE: Oh, I forgot. How about a nice big mocha cake?
BERKEL: Oh sure! I prefer the type of torture when dying slowly as the mocha combination of coffee and chocolate take affect!
MR. CRABAPPLE: It seems you forget that cats have 9 lives, so you’ll still have 8 lives left, anyway. So, what’s the big deal?” I explained.
BERKEL: Oh, that reminds me, your own life with your girlfriend, Gloria, may be over.
MR. CRABAPPLE: I’m wise to your tomcat foolery, Berkel. Things have never been better between me and Gloria.
BERKEL: Well, you’re not going to like what I’m going to tell you, buddy boy.”
MR. GRAPPLE: Tell me what?
BERKEL: I can’t. She confided in me. But in life, everything is negotiable Give me a good reason to tell you.
MR. GRAPPLE: Negotiable? Hey, fuzzball, you need me more than you need Gloria. I’m your meal ticket!
BERKEL: Hey Mr. Crab apple, there’s always Mrs. O’Malley next door, and she serves… sirloin!”
MR. GRAPPLE Alright, alright! What do I need to give you in return for the information?
BERKEL: I want to stay out on Saturday nights.
MR. CRABAPPLE: But you’re an indoor cat. You’ll get eaten up alive! I just can’t give that kind of freedom!
BERKEL: In life, all things are negotiable. You said it yourself.
MR. CRABAPPLE: Okay, you can stay out on Saturday night, but only until ten o’clock.
BERKEL: Make it eleven o’clock.
MR. CRABAPPLE: Okay, it’s a deal! Now tell me what Gloria said.
BERKEL: You sure you want to hear what she said?
MR. CRABAPPLE: I said a deal is a deal.
BERKEL: Okay, so Gloria said that you’re idiotically stupid beyond your years, and when God gave out brains, you were last in line.
MR. CRABAPPLE: What? Gloria would never say that. I don’t believe a word you say!
BERKEL: “That’s because you’re idiotically stupid beyond your years, like Gloria said. And I personally suggest that you forget the whole matter because you’re already in the dog house, if you know what I mean.”
MR. CRABAPPLE: Ha! ha! ha! Gloria would never leave me. I’m her Rock of Gibraltar. I’m her knight in shining armor. I’m her moon, her stars, her heaven.”
BERKEL: Okay, then whose red Mercedes convertible was she riding around in today?
MR. CRABAPPLE: Oh, that’s her brother. He’s in town for the weekend.”
BERKEL: If that was her brother she was kissing, then I’m Tony the Tiger.
MR. CRABAPPLE: Kissing, you say? Oh, it was probably nothing. I’ll give Gloria a call tomorrow. And, like you say, Berkel… in life, all things are negotiable.
Copyright 2009 ©Jon Frangipane Revised 2015