As I Was Saying
Resolutions 2010
By Alan Williamson
It’s a brand new year, a time of hope and growth and shaking free of the limitations of the past. It’s a time of renewal and redemption and salvation. But most of all, it’s a time to make a series of New Year’s resolutions that I’ll spend the next 365 days treating like a to-do list created by someone who doesn’t know me very well and has NO RIGHT to tell me how to live my life.
Here, in no particular order and subject to change without notice, are my resolutions for 2010.
Resolution # 1: I will use the power of social media to unite, enlighten and inspire people in search of greater meaning and purpose in life. I will also provide timely updates on when I’m getting my car washed, buying yogurt, growing a goatee, or thinking of throwing out old running shoes.
Resolution # 2: I will expand my horizons by traveling more and spending time abroad. (Let the record show that I’ve never been abroad, but I have used my wife’s body lotion when we’ve run out of soap.)
Resolution # 3: I will stop judging people harshly and give them the benefit of the doubt. Like the dirt bag that tailgated me at high speed the other day on I-95 risking innocent lives, so that he could arrive five minutes early at Bucky’s Belly Up Bar and complain to his loser buddies about how miserable his life is in spite of his towering intellect and George Clooney-ish charm. (There. I’ve gotten it out of my system.)
Resolution # 4: I will think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures. Big Thought: I must build a body of work that will reach across time and space and enrich people’s lives long after I’m gone. Small pleasure: Mmmm, sweet potato fries.
Resolution # 5: Knowing that, on average, women utter 7,000 words a day and men manage just over 2,000, I will do my part to close the gap by expanding everything I say to include the additional phrase “It is what it is.”
Resolution # 6: I will break out of my comfort zone and go on a cattle drive where I’ll learn to ride a horse over long distances, develop close, mutually-supportive relationships with fellow cowhands, cook semi-edible slop over an open campfire, sleep on the hard ground in snake and coyote-ridden terrain, and use the experience as a springboard to live my life with a greater self-confidence and resourcefulness than ever before. (NOTE: If continued economic hardships preclude an adventure of this magnitude, I will scale back and break out of my comfort zone by running towards a gaggle of geese at a park and shouting “fight or flight,” “fight or flight,” and then, as they fly away in terror, yell after them, “yeah, that’s what I thought ladies.”
Resolution # 7: I will pick a hairstyle that works for me and stick with it over the long term. This will end my life-long experimentation with hair styles that resulted in my hitting bottom last year when I was mistaken for Art Garfunkel at a family reunion. (It changed me.)
Resolution # 8: I will approach both love and cooking with the same reckless abandon but will cut costs on both fronts by buying off-brand syrups and dipping oils.
Resolution # 9: I will strive to live my life according to the three Rs: Respect for self; Respect for others; Random acts of kindness carried out Regularly. (Okay, that may actually be a total of four Rs, so I’ll shoot for all of them and consider three out of four a successful campaign.)
Happy New Year everyone! Give it your best. Count your blessings. Don’t sweat the small stuff. And remember that the main thing is to always keep the main thing the main thing. Which reminds me of one final pledge:
Resolution # 10: When my attempts to sound philosophically advanced result in pretentious babble about “keeping the main thing the main thing,” I will wisely shut up. (Hey, it is what it is.)
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at alwilly@bellsouth.net.