Cantankerously Yours
HARRIET GETS A SHOT
(BASED ON AN ACTUAL EVENT)
By Wendell Abern
CAST:
HARRIET WILLIAMS: ATTRACTIVE, ANYWHERE FROM 30 TO 60.
RECEPTIONIST; RONALD (NURSE); DR. LOGAN; DR. FAIRMAN.
RECEPTION AREA, DOCTOR’S OFFICE. HARRIET PUTS DOWN MAGAZINE SHE WAS FLIPPING THROUGH, WALKS TO RECEPTIONIST.
HARRIET
(PLEASANTLY) Will the doctor be much longer?
RECEPTIONIST
It should be any minute now. She’s been very
busy this morning.
HARRIET
I’m just here for a shot. It only takes two minutes.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, I understand. It — (INTERRUPTED BY SHORT BUZZER) Ah. Okay, please go into the examining room now, Mrs. Williams.
HARRIET GOES INTO EXAMINING ROOM. RONALD ENTERS. WEARS STETHOSCOPE, CARRIES CLIPBOARD, PAPERS, HEADS TOWARD DESK.
RONALD
Good morning, I’m Dr. Logan’s nurse, Ronald, I’ll be
assisting Dr. Logan today. Yes, I’m new, no, I’m not
gay. (SITS DOWN)
HARRIET
Well, Ronald, I hope we can get this over with –
RONALD
Strip!
HARRIET
Excuse me?
RONALD
Undress, please. There’s a gown behind the screen.
HARRIET
(GETS UP UNCERTAINLY) But I’m just here for
a shot. I get a shot for pain in my hip.
RONALD
Please get on the examining table when you’re ready.
HARRIET
(COMES FROM BEHIND SCREEN) What do you have to examine? (CLIMBS ONTO EXAMINING TABLE)
I get the same shot every four months.
RONALD
(GETS UP FROM DESK, GOES TO HARRIET, APPLIES STETHOSCOPE) Breathe. (PAUSE) Don’t breathe.
HARRIET
Breathe?! For God’s sake! I’m here to get a shot…
In my hip! Why are you testing my lungs?
RONALD
(WRAPS BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF AROUND HER
ARM) Shhh. Please relax while I take your blood pressure.
HARRIET
What? Where’s the doctor!?
RONALD
Hm. Blood pressure’s a little high.
HARRIET
It’s going to be about 600 over 9,000 by the time
Dr. Logan gets here!
RONALD TAKES TUBE OUT OF POCKET AND SQUEEZES SALVE ON FINGER.
HARRIET
What’s that?! I am not having a rectal exam!
RONALD
This will just make it easy to apply the suction cups.
HARRIET
What suction cups?
RONALD
(APPLIES SUCTION CUPS) For your EKG. Please lie back and be still.
HARRIET
EKG! Why am I getting an EKG?
RONALD
Procedure. Lie still, please.
HARRIET
Where’s President Obama when I need him?
RONALD
(REMOVES EKG WIRES) I’ll go get Dr. Fairman now.
HARRIET
(AS RONALD EXITS) Who’s Dr. Fairman?!
RONALD RE-ENTERS ALONG WITH DR. FAIRMAN.
DR. FAIRMAN
Hi, I’m Dr. Fairman, I’ll be your anesthesiologist today.
HARRIET
My what?!
DR. FAIRMAN
Dr. Logan ordered anesthesia for today’s procedure.
HARRIET
Procedure? What, procedure? I get a shot!
Since when does a shot require a procedure?
DR. FAIRMAN WALKS TO STAGE RIGHT, PULLS OUT IV POLE AND DRIP BAG.
HARRIET
What are you – LISTEN, I AM NOT HAVING
ANESTHESIA! I DO NOT NEED ANESTHESIA!
DR. FAIRMAN
There, there. Just lie back, please.
HARRIET
(WHILE BEING INJECTED) Are we on Candid Camera? Should I talk into your stethoscope?
DR. FAIRMAN
This is just to relax you.
HARRIET
This is absurd! If someone comes to you with a
broken finger, do you give them heart surgery?
DR. FAIRMAN USES SYRINGE TO SQUIRT SOMETHING INTO THE DRIP BAG.
DR. FAIRMAN
Okay, Dr. Logan will be in shortly to give you the shot
for your pain.
RONALD
(WHILE EXITING) I’ll go get her.
HARRIET
This is only a dream. That’s what this is. It’s a dream.
DR. LOGAN AND RONALD ENTER ROOM, RONALD CARRYING HAIRNET.
RONALD BEGINS STRUGGLING WITH HARRIET TO PUT ON HAIRNET.
HARRIET
Howard, what — doctor, what is going on! I came for a shot! My usual shot! Why do I need a hairnet? Why am I getting an EKG, a –
DR. LOGAN
New procedures. Just lean back and relax.
DR. FAIRMAN
Ronald, bring in the oxygen, please.
HARRIET
What?! I don’t want oxygen! No oxygen!
RONALD LEAVES AND RETURNS WITH OXYGEN EQUIPMENT.
HARRIET
I refuse to take — (RONALD APPLIES OXYGEN
TUBE TO HARRIET’S NOSE, THEN EXITS AS
HARRIET FUMES.)
HARRIET
(TO DR. FAIRMAN) If this is just a dream,
why don’t you look like George Clooney?
RONALD RE-APPEARS, USING BOTH ARMS TO CARRY TOWELS. SETS THEM DOWN AT END OF TABLE, TAKES ONE AND APPLIES TO HARRIET’S LEG.
HARRIET
What is that? Ronald, what are you doing?
DR. LOGAN
Just some warm towels, Harriet – all part of
the procedure.
RONALD CONTINUES TO APPLY WARM TOWELS ALL OVER HARRIET’S BODY.
HARRIET
HELP! HELP! I’M BEING MUMMIFIED!
DR. LOGAN
Sh-h, Harriet, it’s almost time for your shot.
Ronald, prepare the area, please.
RONALD REMOVES TOWEL FROM HARRIET’S HIP, STARTS TO RUB FIERCELY.
HARRIET
OW-W! Ronald, you’re rubbing off a whole
layer of skin!
DR. LOGAN PICKS UP SYRINGE, RONALD STOPS RUBBING.
HARRIET
WHAT THE HELL IS NEXT? WATERBOARDING?
DR. LOGAN ADMINISTERS SHOT. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN GRADUALLY RETURN.
HARRIET IS NOW IN A BED, THE IV STILL ATTACHED, AS IS THE OXYGEN TUBE. RONALD AND DRS. LOGAN AND FAIRMAN ARE STANDING OVER HER.
DR. FAIRMAN
Ah, she’s coming around now.
HARRIET STIRS, SITS UP SLOWLY.
DR. LOGAN
There we are! You did just fine, Harriet.
HARRIET
I did just fine at what?
DR. LOGAN
With your shot! I gave you your shot, and you should
see some relief from the pain in your hip in a day or two.
HARRIET
(LOOKS AT WATCH) It’s after twelve! I’ve been here
for more than three hours!
DR. FAIRMAN
And you did just fine.
HOWARD GOES TO HEAD OF HARRIET’S BED, WHICH IS ON WHEELS AND BEGINS TO WHEEL IT OUT OF ROOM.
STAGE IS NOW EMPTY. VOICES HEARD COMING FROM OFFSTAGE.
DR. FAIRMAN
We’re just going to put you in recovery now for
a couple of hours.
DR. LOGAN
Now be sure to make a follow-up appointment
before you leave.
HARRIET
I get it. I get it now! This is a movie! It’s one
of those horror movies!
AS LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK …
HARRIET
Which one of you plays Dracula?
* * *
Aside to readers: Yes, this really did happen. No, she did not return for a follow-up visit.
Cantankerously Yours,
Wendell Abern
Wendell Abern can be reached at [email protected].