Not Being There

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By Heidi Hess

“What do you mean you don’t want me to go?” 

I was crushed. My son was honest and I had to respect him. “Mom, I just want to work through this by myself.” This was his response to telling me he wanted to go to a friend’s funeral by himself. 

What an odd feeling. My kids have always wanted me there, even if it was to be “quiet support”. But now… he was telling me that he didn’t want me there. I was dumbfounded. I never expected this but then again, we never expected his friend to pass.

The news came in dribs and drabs. A news report, a friend guessing, and then confirmation. It still breaks my heart. How could this happen? How could someone so young and full of life not be here anymore? My heart breaks for the family. We’ve known them since elementary school and I am in disbelief. And if I’m having a hard time with it, my son must be too right?

Mom’s worry. Are we handling this right? Am I paying enough attention to him, to this situation… am I worrying too much? Sigh. But there comes a time when our kids are old enough to ask for/ tell us what they want. Isn’t that what we encourage their whole lives? And now, I’m staring down the truth barrel, feeling like I’ve been left with a large emotional gaping hole left in my midsection but I’m glad. My son felt comfortable telling me what he wanted and (to my dismay) what he didn’t want. He didn’t want me at the funeral. 

I didn’t say much. Instead, I slinked away to my bedroom to lick my wounds and work this out in a mature way. And it got me thinking about how hard it is to be there for everything but even harder to not be there. The kids get older. His not needing me there and wanting to work out his feelings with his friends is a very mature thing to do. It’s a testament that we, as parents, did something right. The future holds lots of opportunities when I won’t be there. I have to get used to it but boy, is it hard. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to my son’s friend and his family. Please know that we (my son included) think of him often and will always remember him.