As I Was Saying
Stray Thoughts: The Facebook Postings, Vol. III
By Alan Williamson
Due to the buzz I heard over my first two collections of Facebook postings, I’ve compiled a third collection. The “buzz” was later diagnosed as an inner ear disorder, but life goes on and so does my uncontrollable need to re-post these posts. (If there’s any change in my inner ear situation, I’ll keep you posted.)
Quality health care, quality auto repair, quality furniture, quality cleaning services. Oh wait, I get it. Quality now means Crappy. Suddenly everything makes perfect sense!
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. (Okay, if I’m being honest, his weight fluctuates and there are times I need to use some kind of a platform on wheels or casters to move him from point A to point B.)
Excellent article in the new issue of Walking Magazine: “Pick a Spot to Turn Around: The Secret to Planning a Long Walk.”
Adele’s hit song “Rumor Has It” is very similar to a country ballad I wrote called “Gomer’s Rabbit.” Some night in concert she will accidently sing “Gomer’s Rabbit” instead of “Rumor Has It” and my lawyers will make her pay.
A shout out to the “For Dummies” book series for identifying subjects I’d like to learn more about … and then insulting me.
Saw a sign outside a seedy looking bar that said “Party Till 4 A.M.” And by “party” I assume they meant sitting in the dark getting hammered on cheap beer while listening to some unappreciated master of the universe complain to his loser buddies about how miserable his life is in spite of his towering intellect and George Clooney-ish charm. Good times.
Disgusting Things People Say Unintentionally: “Can I borrow a tissue?”
The art and science of before and after pictures. BEFORE: Stick out stomach and frown. AFTER: Suck in stomach and smile.
The results are mixed when you try and turn a male name into a female name. Just ask Edwina, Henrietta, and Alberta. (Be careful approaching Henrietta though. She’s very sensitive and may even insist you’ve made a mistake and that her name’s Gabrielle, you bonehead.)
Watched the London Olympics and found the men’s horseback miniature golf fascinating. If the Appaloosa the American was riding didn’t get spooked by the giant ceramic iguana, we’d have won the gold.
While I didn’t win a medal in the Men’s 400 Meter Chicken Dance/Self-Inflicted Heimlich Maneuver Event, I left with my head held high and my ribcage intact. Booyah!
There’s actually a book called “The Idiot’s Guide to Forensics.” Halleluiah. I’m so tired of looking like a moron when my happy hour pals start yakking about the scientific gathering and analysis of DNA evidence.
FACT: Americans on average watch close to four hours of TV a day. FACT: Those who skimp on personal hygiene and sleep are able to watch six hours of TV a day. FACT: Overuse of the word “fact” as an attention-getter causes readers to glaze over and wonder what’s on TV.
Bad Idea: “Let me show you how to climb a palm tree, Timmy.”
A well-timed cup of coffee has been proven to spike cognitive function and elevate productivity for an hour or more. This explains the morning I ran 5 miles, detailed my car, built a guest cottage in my backyard and helped police solve a string of robberies, all before 9 a.m.
Saw a sign on a library bookshelf that said “New Genre: Paranormal Romance.” Nice to know there’s now a name for getting drunk and waking up next to a life form of unknown origin.
What’s my story? I was born in 1957 to itinerant tomato farmers who disappeared into the mountains of northern New Jersey. I was not seen again publically until 1974 when I was traded at a county fair for a goat and some homemade fudge. In 1986 I led the New Jersey Nets in scoring and enjoyed several productive years in the NBA before being forced into retirement with a tongue injury. (I personally don’t remember any of this, but it must be true because I read it on Wikipedia.)
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at alwilly@bellsouth.net. © 2011 Alan Williamson.