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Moderation Always Errs Towards Excess

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Ask the Docs

Moderation Always Errs Towards Excess

By Dr. Jonathan Chung of Keystone Chiropractic

Let’s review some definitions of moderation. Here’s the traditional definition out of Webster’s Dictionary:

Moderation – noun 1. the quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance.

Sounds pretty good right? People rarely think about themselves in terms of extremes or excesses, and it’s generally good policy to live your life outside of the extremes.

Here’s Dr. Chung’s definition of moderation when it comes to most of the things we think should be had in moderation:

Moderation – noun 1. A fundamentally useless term that is impossible to implement because there’s no standard for what represents moderate

Everyone talks about moderation. Your traditional doctor who tells you that the paleo diet is too extreme because you should have carbs in moderation. Your obese uncle that offers you a 2nd piece of cheesecake because you should have sweets “in moderation.”

But has anyone ever sat back and asked what does moderation even mean for human beings? Let’s use carbohydrates as an example. Lots of people are high on low carb diets, so what does it mean for a human to actually have a moderate amount of carbohydrates?

  • To the prehistoric caveman, moderate may have meant 40 grams of seeds and roots
  • To the low-carb weight lifter, a moderate amount of carbohydrates might be at 100 grams of sweet potatoes and protein bars.
  • To the average Earthling eating a Standard American Diet (SAD) a moderate amount of carbohydrates might be 200-300 grams of breads and cereals.
  • And to the sedentary 60 year old with obesity, a moderate amount of carbohydrates might be 400 grams from pizza and soda.

Moderation is hard because moderation depends on the individual. Moderation is useless as a recommendation because no one really knows what it means. But here’s the part that most important:

Moderation is a recipe for failure for people who are looking to create change in their lives.

Why Moderation Can Be Bad Advice
People who advocate for moderation do so with your best interests in mind. Remember that when listening to people in your life, they are doing it from the lens of their own perspective.

In my experience, whenever you try to approach a change in diet through moderation, you will almost always lean towards excess. What do I mean by that?

It means that if you set a goal to eat a moderate amount of carbs, you will almost always eat more carbs than you intended to.

It’s not because we are weak. It’s because our default wiring is to seek out things that make us feel good. Without a focused effort to resist urges or stay disciplined, we are predisposed to do things that produce those wonderful brain chemicals that make us feel satisfied…for a moment.

The problem is that if someone is sick or they have a specific goal they want to achieve, they may not be able to afford the luxury getting that momentary feel good.

They have to be disciplined. They have to consciously resist that urge to feel good in the moment so that they can get the ultimate goal of having a happier and healthier overall existence.

Discipline Allows Room to Falter
Anyone that knows me knows that I’m no stranger to some deliciously bad food.

I’ve enjoyed more than my share of pizzas, cookies, and hamburgers.

Here’s the thing. I eat really well and I stay disciplined at least 4 days of the week. My discipline allows me the wiggle room to enjoy these foods once or twice a week without any guilt or negative consequences.

And it is when you are healthy and tolerant of these bad foods where you want to embrace discipline, because for someday you may become too sick to have ANY wiggle room.

Patients with diabetes, gout, Celiac Disease, and other inflammatory disease….they can’t afford moderation anymore because their illnesses won’t allow it.

Having discipline now is important because you may not be able to afford moderation in the future.

Geek out at the SF Science Center and Aquarium

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Geek out at the South Florida Science Center and Aquarium
Nerd Night is the smart choice to spend an educational evening of fun
 
(West Palm Beach, Fla.) – Spend an evening of smart fun at the South Florida Science Center and Aquarium’s Nerd Night! The event is scheduled for Friday, January 20 from 6 p.m. – 9 p.m.
 
Guests will enjoy liquid nitrogen craft beer demonstrations, a Rubik’s Cube contest for prizes, interactive Nerd Trivia, Planetarium Karaoke, make-your-own LED “throwies” to light up any surface, and even try their hand at an Escape Room. The person dressed in the nerdiest costume will win a gift pack from the Science Center.
 
Admission is $12 for nonmembers and $10 for members and students with college ID. Tickets purchased before January 19 will be sold at the member rate of $10. This is a 21 and over event.
 
The mission of the South Florida Science Center and Aquarium is to “open every mind to science” and the indoor/outdoor venue features more than 50 hands-on educational exhibits, a 10,000 gallon fresh and salt water aquarium- featuring both local and exotic marine life, a digital planetarium, conservation research station, Florida exhibit hall, Pre-K focused “Discovery Center,” an interactive Everglades exhibit and an 18-hole Conservation Course – an outdoor putting course with science-focused education stations.
For more information about the Conservation Course or other Science Center programming, please call 561-832-1988 or visit www.sfsciencecenter.org.  Like the South Florida Science Center and Aquarium on Facebook and follow them on Twitter and Instagram @SFScienceCenter.
 
For more information on Nerd Night, please call (561) – 832-1988 or contact Melinda Velasquez at mvelasquez@sfsciencecenter.org.

Artist’s Life

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Artist’s Life

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Of all the waltzes the great Strauss wrote,
mad with melody, rhythm–rife
From the very first to the final note,
Give me his “Artist’s Life!”

It stirs my blood to my finger ends,
Thrills me and fills me with vague unrest,
And all that is sweetest and saddest blends
Together within my breast.

It brings back that night in the dim arcade,
In love’s sweet morning and life’s best prime,
When the great brass orchestra played and played,
And set our thoughts to rhyme.

It brings back that Winter of mad delights,
Of leaping pulses and tripping feet,
And those languid moon-washed Summer nights
When we heard the band in the street.

It brings back rapture and glee and glow,
It brings back passion and pain and strife,
And so of all the waltzes I know,
Give me the “Artist’s Life.”

For it is so full of the dear old time–
So full of the dear friends I knew.
And under its rhythm, and lilt, and rhyme,
I am always finding–you.

Roasted Colorful Veggies

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Roasted Colorful Veggies

  • 1 small butternut squash, cubed
  • 2 red bell peppers, seeded and diced
  • 1 sweet potato, peeled and cubed
  • 3 Yukon Gold potatoes (or regular potatoes) cubed
  • 1 red onion, quartered
  • 1 Tablespoon of chopped fresh thyme
  • 2 Tablespoons of chopped fresh rosemary
  • ¼ cup olive oil
  • 2 Tablespoons of balsamic vinegar or lemon juice
  • Salt and pepper

  1. Preheat oven to 475 degrees F.
  2. In a large bowl, combine the squash, red bell peppers, sweet potato, and Yukon Gold potatoes. Separate the red onion quarters into pieces, and add them to the mixture.
  3. In a small bowl, stir together thyme, rosemary, olive oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper. Toss with vegetables until they are coated. Spread evenly on a large roasting pan.
  4. Roast for 35 to 40 minutes in the preheated oven, stirring every 10 minutes, or until vegetables are cooked through and browned.

ArtFest 2017 in Wellington, Florida

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WELLINGTON ART SOCIETY PRESENTS

Artfest 2017 – Wellington, Florida

The Wellington Art Society will present its 11th Annual Art Fest on the Green at the Wellington Amphitheater at 12100 W. Forest Hill Blvd.  in Wellington, FL on Saturday, Jan.  28 from 9a.m. to 5 p.m. and Sunday, Jan. 29 from 10a.m. to 4 p.m.  Art Fest is a celebration of life, art, and bringing art and community together in a beautiful outdoor setting. Wellington is home to the Winter Equestrian Festival, International Polo Capital of the world, and a unique destination for seasonal visitors and residents.

The juried fine art and fine craft show will feature artists from around the country showing their original artwork across many mediums including painting, sculpture, ceramics, jewelry, leather, glass, mixed media, and photography. Many artists will be working on site. The juried fine artists participating in the festival were chosen for their creativity, mastery of the technique, and degree of excellence. Also, this year several artists will be presenting their latest art works exclusively at the Show, offering originals and limited editions for sale.

Len Jagoda, elected member of the American Artists Professional League and Juried member of the American Academy of Equine Artists, will unveil his recently completed commissioned painting of “American Pharaoh “’  www.backstretchstudio.com

Deborah La Fogg, award winning nature/animal artist recently won Best in Show at the National Park Art Exhibition and awards at the 16th annual Pastel 100 Competition. The artist will present her most recent work ” Three Amigos”.  www.lafogg.com

Illustrator, educator, and award winning artist and top Art Show favorite, Laurie Snow Hein will feature her most recent oil paintings of the Southern Landscape-alive with sparkling light and vibrant color. Laurie’s work is published and licensed worldwide.  www.lauriesnowhein.com

With a wide variety of outstanding original art for sale there is something for everyone in the show. It is a fantastic opportunity to take home original artwork and have a great story to share about the artists.

Children will have a great time creating their own work of art to take home at the Children’s Art Activity Tent. Live acoustic music featuring everyone’s favorite tunes will be performed by Bobby G. and his musician friends during the Show.  Food trucks will be on site offering a  variety of delicious food.

The Wellington Art Society, a 501 c3 charitable organization, has over 100 members- artists and art enthusiasts. WAS provides a platform for artists of all mediums to share their work, learn more about their craft, and serve the community through their art.

Proceeds from Art Fest help fund the Wellington Art Society’s scholarship awards program and other art outreach programs.   Please visit   www.WellingtonArtSociety.org   or contact: Leslie Pfeiffer, mysticway1@bellsouth.net, 561-632-3677 , or Adrianne Hetherington, tilemaker@aol.com ,561-301-4498

 

Lights Out Gala

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Loggerhead Marinelife Center’s annual Lights Out Gala celebrates the start of Florida’s sea turtle nesting season. This year’s gala, themed the “Swashbuckler Soirée”, is set for Jan. 27 at LMC from 6:30-11 p.m. and will feature an exciting production performance, pirate-inspired entertainment, a cocktail hour in the center’s sea turtle hospital, a gourmet plated dinner and so much more. Dance the night away at one of Palm Beach’s most charming events, which raises critical funds for the center’s ocean and sea turtle conservation. Tickets start at $400. To purchase tickets or for more information, visit www.marinelife.org/lightsout or call (561) 627-8280 ext. 103.

All About Aloe

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Natural Insight

All About Aloe

By Sabeen Faquir

*This article was originally published in Banzai Magazine

Did you know secretions from aloe are not only good for the skin but used as laxative? There are two derivatives of aloe: the gel and the latex.  The latex is a yellow fluid secreted by the rind of the plan which is then dried and concentrated for a juice.  It can also be taken dried as a supplement.

Taking aloe internally changes the flow of water in the colon.  Instead of absorbing water, the colon gives off water.  This attributes to diarrhea.  Although because aloe is an anthranoid laxative (a class of laxatives with pigments called anthroquinones and anthrones), it can cause contractions in the colon.  Aloe also causes the apoptosis of colon cells.

Aloe recruits white blood cells to the colon which can help clean up debris from apoptosis.  Chronic use of anthranoid laxatives causes an accumulation of white blood cells in the colon. This causes melanosis coli, a benign condition in which dark spots appear in the colon.

It was even found to have hypoglycemic effects in diabetic rats. “Single as well as chronic doses of bitter principle of the same plant also exhibited hypoglycemic effect in diabetic rats. This action of Aloe vera and its bitter principle is through stimulation of synthesis and/or release of insulin from pancreatic beta cells,” (Kumar et, al. 2015). With information like this, we could begin studying the effects of aloe for diabetes in humans.

Aloe can even help with periodontal disease.  Because of its white-blood cell recruiting powers, it has been found to effectively combat bacteria when used in toothpaste in the mouth. “Studies using Aloe Vera in toothpastes have shown that aloe vera tooth gel and the toothpastes were equally effective against Candida albicans, Streptococcus mutans, Lactobacillus acidophilus, Enterococcus faecalis, Prevotella intermedia, and Peptostreptococcus anaerobius. Aloe Vera tooth gel demonstrated enhanced antibacterial effect against S. mitis,” (S.L. et. Al. 2015)

Aloe is a versatile plant whose uses are still being discovered. Consider using it for more than just soothing the skin.

Disclaimer: The content of this article is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure disease.

References:

Devendra Kumar, Neerja Trivedi, Rakesh Kumar Dixit. HERBAL MEDICINES USED IN THE TRADITIONAL INDIAN MEDICINAL SYSTEM AS A THERAPEUTIC TREATMENT OPTION FOR DIABETES MANAGEMENT: A REVIEW. World Journal of Pharmacy and Pharmaceutical Sciences. Vol. 4, Issue 04, 368-385.

Deepu S.L., Ajith Kumar K., N. Raseena Beevi, Presanthila Janam. Aloe vera in periodontics. Kerala Dental Journal. Vol. 38, No. 1, January 2015.

Holly Phaneuf, PhD. Herbs Demystified: A Scientist Explains How the Most Common Herbal Remedies Really Work. Copyright 2005. Da Capo Press.

Taste History Culinary Tours

Do you have company visiting from “up North” and want to give them a taste of South Florida? Taste History Culinary Tours (THCT) is the perfect way to show off our area.

Taste History Culinary Tours
Kinetic Sculptures in Boynton Beach

A couple of weeks ago my husband (and trusty photographer) and I took the Boynton Beach/Delray Beach tour and loved every minute of it. Even though we have lived here for 35 years we learned things about the area’s history that we never knew. For example how Boynton Beach and Delray came to be. I won’t spoil it for you. You can take the tour and find out for yourself!

Four Saturdays each month THCT offers a variety of tours covering Northwood, West Palm Beach, Lake Worth, Boynton Beach, Delray Beach and Lantana. We met our tour guide extraordinaire Lori J. Durante and the tour bus at 10:45 am in front of Macy’s at the Boynton Beach Mall to begin our adventure.

Each Taste History Culinary Tour is a multi-district trip featuring emerging art and cultural food. And no two trips are exactly the same. They highlight family-owned eateries, bakeries and evolving art districts in off-the-beaten-path areas. The non-profit Taste History was established in 2011 and is the first culinary tour in Palm Beach County, Florida.

Taste History Culinary Tours
Seafood Sampler at Hurricane Alley

On the way to Hurricane Alley Raw Bar and Restaurant, our first stop in Boynton Beach, Lori gave us an overview of the history that led to developing Boynton Beach. Waiting for each of us was a bountiful sampler plate. The ambience is beach side dive but the food was first class all the way. First to be tasted was the thick, creamy and flavorful Seafood Bisque made with bay shrimp, crab and clams. Next in line was the really tender and tasty Conch Salad and then the smoky Fish Dip made with tuna that was smoked in house and spiced up with a pickled jalapeno. And last to be tasted was the Tri-colored Parmesan Pasta Salad. We can’t wait to go back for full sized portions.

Taste History Culinary Tours
At Amanda James Gallery with Amanda (center) and Lori (right)

We took a short stroll past kinetic sculptures to the colorful and cozy Amanda James Gallery. As soon as you walk through the door you feel welcomed by the cheerful colors. Amanda and her husband James are the very talented artists whose work adorns every inch of space.

Taste History Culinary Tours
Rolando Chang Barrero at his Art Garages Artists Studios in Boynton Beach
Taste History Culinary Tours
Overhead Door Murals Boynton Beach Arts District

From there we hopped on the bus for a trip to Rolando Chang Barrero’s industrial “art garages”. This is a place where artists can have a studio to both create and sell their work. Since it’s industrial noise is not an issue so many metal artists work there. What is really creative is that each overhead door is a mural so art is everywhere you look.

Taste History Culinary Tours
Delicious Pastries at The French Bakery Café in Delray Beach

Back on the bus we learned of how Delray Beach came to be and made our next stop at The French Bakery and Café. We easily went into carb overload with the amazingly delicious treats they set out for us. You could tell that they used the best quality ingredients and lots of love.

Another short ride and we were at Marianne’s Gourmet Foods to Go for another wonderful tasting party. Everything was really great and seasoned to perfection but the star was the Chocolate Chip Cookie. Truth be told we wrapped a couple in a napkin for a treat later on!

Taste History Culinary Tours
Fabulous Jamaican Food at Sweet’s in Delray Beach

Still in Delray Beach we rode to Sweet’s Jamaican Restaurant for “a taste of the island”. Sweet’s put out an huge array of dishes from her native country and each one delivered with flavor, spice and texture. Reggae playing over the speakers made us feel like we were right in Jamaica mon.

Taste History Culinary Tours
Amazing Breads, Spreads and Pastries at Grandma’s Treasures Das Landhaus in Delray Beach

For our last culinary delight we rode over to Grandma’s Treasures Das Landhaus where the chef and owner uses her grandmother’s recipes to create the most delicious German breads and pastries. We tasted some bread with a dollop of Dark Cherry Chocolate Jam and were quite relieved that we could purchase a jar to bring home. It would be sooooooo good over ice cream.

From there we went to our last two stops The Artists’ Guild Gallery and the historic Colony Hotel, both on Atlantic Avenue and then back on the bus for our ride back to Macy’s. What a lovely day! Can’t wait to go on another Taste History Culinary Tour.

The Taste History Culinary Tours of Historic Palm Beach County features cultural food tastings at family-owned eateries, juice bars, teahouses and pastry shops along with showcasing local art shops, historic buildings and emerging cultural districts. The tour is part bus riding and part walking. All tours start at 11am. Sponsors include Macy’s and Iris Apfel. The fee is $50 to $60 per adult; free for children under age 14. Advance reservations required. Purchase tickets online at tastehistoryculinarytours.org or call 561-638-8277.

New Year, New Travel Experiences: Exploring Europe

Travel with Terri

Story by Terri Marshall

 

 

 

“I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list.” – Susan Sontag

 

This is just one of many travel quotes that inspire and encourage the adventurer inside of us. Another favorite of mine is: Once a year go someplace you’ve never been before. I tend to take that one to the extreme: going places I’ve never been before several times each year. Hey, I’m just doing my job!

As we start down the 2017 highway, I want to share with you just a few of my recent European travel experiences that offer something a bit different. From the world of Robin Hood, to the home of the Smurfs, to a stunningly beautiful Swiss town where you can surf in the city center, these destinations capture your imagination, make you smile and leave you wanting more.

Europe
Robin Hood in Nottinghamshire

Spend A Little Time with Robin Hood

 

Was Robin Hood real? No one really knows for sure, but the legend lives on especially in Nottinghamshire, England. From St. Mary’s Church in Nottingham where Robin Hood sought refuge from the Sheriff of Nottingham, to the church in Edwinstowe where he married Maid Marion, to the Sherwood Forest with its gnarly knotted oak trees, this is Robin’s world and there are many ways to immerse yourself in the legendary stories.

In fact, Robin Hood himself will introduce you to his world with a guided tour through the streets of Nottinghamshire—which he graciously tailors to the ages of the participants. I had the good fortune to join Robin Hood for a pint at Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem, the oldest pub in Nottingham dating back to 1189. The pub’s an excellent place for a meal too—I highly recommend the fish and chips.

While you’re in town, don’t miss the chance to explore Nottingham Castle and its labyrinth of sandstone caves and tunnels.

My visit to Nottinghamshire included an overnight stay just outside Sherwood Forest in the Sherwood Pines Park where I spent the night in the whimsical Alice in Wonderland tree house. The park offers a selection of self-catering cabins that are ideal for families and larger groups.

The morning brought an archery lesson—you never know when Robin Hood might need a little assistance—followed by a walk through Robin Hood’s Sherwood Forest. As I explored the royal forest past the centuries old knotted trees, it wasn’t hard to imagine them coming to life to share tales of all they’ve witnessed. Be sure to see the Major Oak (estimated to be 800 to 1000 years old) this massive tree is the largest in Britain and a site to behold.

Connect with Robin Hood and plan your Nottinghamshire adventures here.

Europe
Major Oak in Sherwood Forest

It’s Where the Smurfs Were Born: Why Brussels Is the Place to Go for Comic Relief

 

The people of Belgium are an interesting group. They eat fries with everything—dipped in mayonnaise, of course. Beer, waffles, mussels and chocolate are also staples of their diets and they’re funny, but they don’t think so. Well, at least, my Belgium friend, Geert, says he’s not funny at all. But Belgium has more comic strip artists per capita than any other country and Brussels, in particular, is the capital for the 9th art. And it’s where the Smurfs were born, so it has to be funny.

In Brussels, comic strip characters are everywhere: on street corners, in the metro, on walls and in bars. Follow the Comic Strip trail to discover your favorites. Brussels is also home to the Belgian Comic Strip Center which is housed in a splendid Art Nouveau building.

Connect with the Smurfs and other comic strip heroes here.

Europe
Comic strip trail in Brussels

Get To Know Thun, Switzerland

 

Situated on the shores of Lake Thun in the canton of Bern, Thun is an undiscovered gem. My visit began in Schadau Park where I enjoyed a delicious lunch on the patio of Schadau Castle with panoramic views of Lake Thun and the surrounding Alps. An ideal place for children, Schadau Park has a maze for the kids to master in search of the playground. And on Sunday afternoons in the summer months, a small narrow gauge steam train takes the kids on a ride through the park gardens.

Be sure to visit the Thun Panorama—a huge 360° painting of central Thun painted in the early nineteenth century by the Swiss artist Marquard Wocher. It’s the oldest surviving 360°panorama painting in the world and is displayed in circular building that puts you at the center of the painting.
A climb to the top of the medieval Castle of Thun in historic Old Town is rewarded with spectacular views of the surrounding area. And along the way, the kids can earn the designation of knighthood.

Don’t be surprised to see surfers in the summertime. The wooden bridge that spans the River Aare in the center of town draws surfers who tie themselves to the bridge to catch the waves of the waters released through the dam.

For superior lodging and cuisine suitable for couples, friends and families, the Hotel Seepark is hard to beat. Located at the edge of Schadau Park just steps from the Schadau Castle, Hotel Seepark offers luxury lodging and gourmet dining including the opportunity to dine at the Chef’s Table just steps away from where all the cuisine magic happens. For entertainment, there’s even a bowling alley inside the hotel. And if you want to experience transportation luxury, opt for the Tesla package. Now THAT’s a cool ride!

Explore the many offerings of Thun here.

Europe
Thun, Switzerland

 

Wherever your travels may take you in 2017, I wish you the joy of discovery. Happy New Year!

The 2020 Olympics: Special Events for Seniors Only

Cantankerously Yours

The 2020 Olympics: Special Events for Seniors Only

By Wendell Abern

Dear Readers,

Several years ago, I wrote a column suggesting special events for senior citizens for the upcoming 2012 Olympic Games. I never submitted my ideas to the International Olympic Committee because certain friends convinced me the IOC would never take seriously ideas like the eight-yard dash and the Miami Mumble.

However, I still think we elderly citizens deserve recognition for certain attributes and achievements; even though this year has just begun, I am proposing special geriatric-centric events now  (65 years and older) because the IOC takes years to add new competitions to their agenda.

Note: Some people may accuse me of presenting some ideas simply because I consider myself qualified. I openly confess this to be true. I would love to add Olympic bronze, silver or gold to go with the only other trophy I’ve ever won. (Last year, from the American Barber Association:  oldest guy to still need a haircut.)

In any case, I hope some of these ideas (for both genders except where noted) make it to 2020:

1 – Smartphone Speed.

Smartphones (which are actually portable computers) have only been around for about a decade, and my generation is still trying to master them. Think of it:  how often does someone say to you, “You have to see this picture!” and then fumble for the next several minutes trying to find said photo.

This event would require an official to snap a picture of a contestant with a popular smartphone, enter it into that phone’s picture library, turn the phone off and hand it back to the contestant and begin timing with a stopwatch. Fastest time to the new picture wins gold.

I know of no one personally who could enter this contest. Most of my friends rely on their ten-year old grandchildren to retrieve pictures for them.

2 – Natural Body Décor.

No piercings. No belly rings. Décor includes liver spots, warts, pimples, blackheads and other beauty marks that occur naturally with age. Awards will be given to contestants in three categories: most growths, darkest growths and patterned growths.

This happens to be one of the categories for which I am eminently qualified. I have so many black and brown spots on my body that every time I pass my neighbor’s Spotted Retriever, he eyes me lasciviously.

3 – The Supermarket Tandem Trek.

For women only.

I have resurrected this concept, first suggested for the 2008 Olympics, because so many women seem to be practicing it avidly.

In this competition, two women wheel their shopping carts together down a selected aisle in whatever local super market the IOC chooses. The idea is to see how long they can monopolize the aisle so no one else can use it.

There are two women who shop regularly in my local Publix, and if I can learn their names, I will establish them as early favorites to romp in this event.

4 – Indelible Insults.

By the age of 65, many have acquired the ability to insult stingingly. And memorably. But it does take patience, care and effort, which many aspiring curmudgeons and termagants lack.

Donald Trump is a fine example. Currently, his insults are neither clever nor thoughtful. Telling someone he or she is a “disaster” completely lacks panache.

On the other hand, Harold, a cranky bridge opponent I have played against many times, showed some promise during a recent shouting match with his bald partner, when he yelled, “I don’t take bridge lessons from someone who looks like the hood ornament on a Dodge truck!”

5 – Hand-Wringing.

Given their professional status as worriers, all Jewish mothers will be excluded from this competition.

6 – Twelve-Mile Expressway Race.

Unlike all other driving competitions, this one will be conducted only during rush hour traffic hours. If such a contest were held in South Florida, for example, it would begin at 8:30AM on Highway 95 at, say, Sample Boulevard, and end at Broward Boulevard in downtown Ft. Lauderdale. Usually, about a 45-minute drive at that hour.

I recently made this trip with my friend, Rosemary, driving. It took her two hours and ten minutes.

7 – Obnoxious Grandparenthood.

This will not be an actual event at the Olympics, but a trophy will be given at the beginning of the games.

I propose the IOC make a public announcement of this award by the middle of this year. They will invite anyone to send a letter of 100 words or less to their website, describing the person, city he or she lives in, number of grandchildren, and at least three examples of obnoxiousness.

Winners will be determined by five carefully-selected grandchildren between the ages of ten and twenty-one.

If my grandchildren do not win this event for me, I will write them out of the will.

8 – Incessant Interruptions.

Before incorporating this event into the Olympic game schedule, it will require intense consideration by the Rules Committee.

For example, should deaf participants be excluded on grounds of having the significant advantage of not knowing when they are interrupting? Should partially deaf participants be given a three- or four-interruption handicap? How many interruptions per hour would constitute the norm?

If my Aunt Ruth were still alive, she would win hands-down.

9 – The Theater Ruse.

Participants – 100 at a time – will be ushered into a movie theater and told they are there to judge a new release. They will be asked to rate the film from one to five.

In truth, the contest will be to determine who talks the most during the screening. The person who elicits the most, “Would you please shut ups!” will be named the winner.

*

If the IOC responds favorably to these ideas, I will let you know.

Cantankerously Yours,

Wendell Abern