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July/August, 2011 – Astrology at Work

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ASTROLOGY AT WORK IN YOUR LIFE

 

July/August, 2011 karola-crawford

 

By Karola Krawford

 

Happy July and Happy Birthday to Cancer and in August Leo.  We live in a dream world, don’t we, and we can create life from our own perspective.  Both of these signs know how to live, love, and create a home.  Yes, our thoughts become things, so think good ones!  Our thoughts are just that, our thoughts and as Cancer signs change their thoughts and feelings every 2 to 3 days with the moon, it is important to be aware of what it is that you are thinking as your day will shape up to be just that.  Wake up in the morning and think about creating the perfect day during the first 19 seconds, before your eyes are even open so that no matter what happens that day, it is perfect and you are in the flow of creation.  For example, a friend that states “I cannot lose weight no matter what diet that I am on” will ultimately be right. The Universe will tell you ok, I have heard you 7000 times and you are getting what you want.  Don’t let that become you.  There is no judgment out there, only your own.  

 

See yourself the way that you want yourself to be and rephrase that statement into a positive one.  “I have lost all the weight that I want to and I am totally healthy and loving it”.  Get into it, create the feeling, feel the emotion, and see it.  See how healthy that you are, see those muscles, see the energy and feel how wonderful that it feels to be the perfect you.  Get into it!  Hoot, holler, jump up and down and feel it.  You are so susceptible to your feelings and emotions so you want to control them, not have them run you or your life. You are creating life anyway, so why not do it consciously and create the life that you enjoy and love.  The ultimate feeling is Happiness, so focus on it.  Affirm daily that you have Abundance in all areas of your love and that you are the healthiest, wealthiest, happiest that you ever were.  Affirm that you have happy friends, affirm that you love your life, and affirm that your life is working because it is.  You will have exactly what you ask for, and your thoughts are constant prayers asking for what you want. 

 

If you don’t like your life, change your thoughts.  Be aware of what you are creating.  Look around you and see whether you like it, and, if you don’t, start changing the way that you think.  You have total accuracy in manifesting and the images that come into play are no accidents; you have created them so take responsibility for your thoughts. Once you get this totally, your life will be effortless, as we are natural born creators, and the Universe will assist you no matter what you think.  It is ultimately your choice so know what it is that you want.  Spend some time thinking about it and make sure that you are getting into the details, the feelings and the action of deliberately living the exciting, happy life of your dreams.  Never use phrases like “It must not have been meant to be,” as this robs you of your power.  Nothing happens to you, as you are totally in control of not only your response to life, but also the very creation of the way that each and every day manifests for you, so create and have fun. You cannot control other people, however, so the only things that you control are your own feelings and thoughts.  Recognize that each and every creature has the creative power within them, so if you affirm total Happiness each and every day, you will be creating this.  It may or may not include the things, the people, the houses, the jobs, the behavior that you currently have, but does it matter if you are ultimately happy beyond your imagination?  So, yes, imagine, create, and bask in the excitement of creating Love and Happiness in your life. And don’t be in charge of how it plays out. For your success is much more accurate if you hand the details over to the Universe and let it bring those to you.  

 

Happy Birthday Cancer and Happy creating.  What will this month bring you?  Whatever your little heart desires.

 

Leo – You also are in the power of creating and the best way is to let your feelings be exuberant and joyous.  Affirm each morning, before you open your eyes, that you are having the best day of your life.  See it, feel it, and others will respond to your inner light which shines brightly, and they will recognize that you are the star of your beautiful creations, your family and your life.  Have the best birthday ever Leo.  You rock!

 

Virgo – Are you getting it?  Those details that you are focused on had better serve you well.  Matters of the heart are important to you this month, so feel what you want and focus on the end result.  Leave the details up to the universe.

 

Libra – Home is important as are the emotions that the people in your life are creating around you.  Take charge and make it happen.  Balance can only come from you.

 

Scorpio – Your beliefs are being questioned as your ruler takes time to cause you to think deeper.  Is this really what you want?  If life is not exactly going in the direction of your dreams, meditate and focus on a new reality.  Be happy.  Yahoo, you deserve it!

 

Sagittarius – Yes, are you getting it?  Life is in the palms of your hands and you are able to bring visions and desires into form.  Make sure that you are totally happy with each and every creation that shows up, and if not, watch those thoughts.  You understand that prayer is what you are sending out continuously.

 

Capricorn – Bring your life into balance and let relationship play a major part.  The universe wants nothing more than to give you what you are asking for, so watch your thoughts.  Ask only for what you really, truly want, and you will not be disappointed when you get it.  You rock, baby.

 

Aquarius – If manifestation is coming on suddenly and quicker than you anticipated, it is no accident.  Meditate and watch what you are in the process of creating, as you are having one heck of a deliberate month.  Thoughts are things, so send out the desire for happiness.

 

Pisces – You little dreamer, you, I think that you have got it!  Is it working in your favor?  If not, re-examine what your specific thoughts say, and change them to what you want and ultimately already have.  Life is yours for the asking, so order up the best!

 

Aries – Yes, you think that you have control, and you do, but only over yourself and your thoughts and desires.  Send out the most positive visions and act quickly as you tend to get quick reactions in return.  Your life works, did you notice?

 

Taurus – Your desires will manifest in whatever way that you are sending out your requests, so let go of the old doubts and security blanket and change your thoughts to what you wish to create.  It is already a request in the making!

Gemini – You have so many thoughts going through your head that it is very important to slow them down in meditation and examine them.  Do they serve you?  Yes, change them if they are not perfect, for your life shows up just the way that you ordered it.  The menu is endless, so ask for Happiness.

Karola Crawford, MAFA, has been a certified Astrologer for 25 years. She has cast charts for clients all over the world and also practices Holistic medicine, Yoga, Shiatsu, Reiki, Auricular Acupucture and is an accomplished artist. Where does she get all of her energy? A grand trine in fire, of course. Karola can be reached at 561-234-6338 or by visiting the web site at www.shamanofvisionsforhealing.com.

July, 2011 – Stray Thoughts: The Facebook Postings

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As I Was Sayingallan-williamson

 

Stray Thoughts: The Facebook Postings

 

By Alan Williamson

 

Random thoughts occur to me throughout the year. Sometimes I wind up posting them on Facebook. Because I’m a resourceful kind of guy, I thought I’d gather them up and share them in a column I’ve cleverly titled “Stray Thoughts: The Facebook Postings.” This is that column. You’re welcome.  

 

*       I could mention that I’m the star of the new hit TV series, “Mitch Miccosukee: The Mango King Lawyer” but that would be misleading since there’s no such show.

 

*       Finally saw Avatar yesterday, but suspect it lost some of it impact on our 15 inch black and white TV. Sigourney Weaver wasn’t scary at all.

 

*       The saying “What goes around comes around” was mine. Also the saying “Frankly Francine I don’t care for cider.”

 

*       From antique cars to life on Mars – my new late night talk show covers it all. Tune in Monday as “Alan Up Late” welcomes funnyman Donald Trump. Tuesday: “Alan Up Late” trots out jockey Garrett Gomez and the cast of “Balloon Boy.” Wednesday: “Alan Up Late” is all new with eyeglasses expert Elton John and band “Factory Flirt.” Thursday: It’s a girls-gone-wild throwdown as “Alan Up Late” welcomes Betty White and her older sister Hattie. Friday: Fill up on fun as “Alan Up Late” makes room for eating contest champ Bubba Chadwick.

 

*       Why are tear (as in ripping) and tear (as in crying) spelled exactly the same? Does this make any sense? It just tears me up . . . or tears me up.

 

*       One lunch, four stains on my shirt – a new personal record. I just keep getting better and better.

 

*       Will all the businesses that use the letter “z” in a cutesy way (i.e. – Kidz Academy, E-Z Storage, Funny Bonz Comedy Club, etc.) pleaz, pleaz stop. Thankz.

 

*       So how’s everyone doing? Did you have a nice holiday? How about this weather? You look like you lost weight. Seen any good movies lately? Any plans for the Feast of the Epiphany? (Another year, same king of small talk.)

 

*       I was hand searched by a TSA agent at Detroit Metro airport. I can’t prove it, but I think my former career as a leggy supermodel may have made me a target.

 

 

*       Looking forward to a night at the theater. We’ve got tickets to “Stump,” the stumpidy-do-da—dandy musical about a guy with no arms and legs who finds unlikely love with a vivacious medicine ball.

 

*       Life is a mystery, love is a riddle, hi diddle, ho diddle, hey diddle diddle. (Sorry about that, but once you use the word “riddle” in a poem you’ve pretty much unlocked the door to diddle.)

 

*       I love sun-splashed fall days that melt into rosy sunsets as I contemplate my fragile existence from my makeshift campsite at the summit of Guatemala’s Volcan Pacaya volcano. Meanwhile, back in the states, word comes that the volcano known as Charlie Sheen has erupted once again, spewing fiery boulders and globs of swill at frightened villagers. My prayers go out.

 

*       I am the new spokesman for the Fresh Pepper Growers Federation urging people of all faiths, cultures and ethnic backgrounds to “Discover the Pepper Lover in You.”

 

*       Proud to report that my three children from a previous marriage (Big Mort, Ainsley and Hockey Fan) are all doing extremely well and have moved into an old Starcraft fiberglass boat hull in our backyard. Good times!

 

*       I celebrate my coastal South Florida lifestyle by frequently catching my own dinner and cooking it. (You have to like lizard though, I’m not much of a fisherman.)

 

*       I would like to remind you that if you have your health you have just about everything. (Speaking of which, I’d get that thing on your back checked if I were you. That’s not normal.)

 

*       Don’t know much about history; don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about no science book; don’t know much about the French I took. But I do remember who said what to who in almost every silly movie or TV sit-com from the last 20 years, so I got that going for me.

 

*       Excited to be co-writing a screenplay with m.night shyamalan entitled “Hamper,” a taunt thriller about a group of strangers that encounter an evil presence in their dirty laundry.

 

*       Hand sanitizer: Just another one of the many wonderous things my wife produces from her purse when I’m restless and need a distraction.

 

*       I’m relieved to announce that I’m free from the monkey chatter of random thoughts. Oh wait . . . RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA RO MA MA, GAGA OOH LA LA . . . okay now I’m free. Wait – DID I MENTION I LIKE PUDDING? Ok, now. BETTY WHITE. Now! SPLISH SPLASH I WAS TAKING A BATH . . . now! . . . TURKEY APPLE BURGER, PLEASE . . . what the what? . . . Now!!!

Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at alwilly@bellsouth.net.  © 2010 Alan Williamson.

July/August, 2011 – The Summer That Changed Everything

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Teen Talk aw-teen-talk-pic

The Summer That Changed Everything

By Stephanie Courtois

The anticipation escalated in each and every one of them. Only a few more seconds until the clock strikes 2:50p.m. Suddenly, a roar of screams erupt in unison, school is out for the summer.

All the way back to kindergarten, the summer months were the most memorable ones. Staying up late, getting up even later, hanging out with friends, and especially summer camp. Camp is one part of my life that I never got to experience as a youngster. Many of my friends would leave for the 2 sizzling hot months to enjoy all that this far away play land could offer them. At times, I wish that I could have had as much fun in the sun as they did, but I still was content with my summers at home.

One of the most unsurpassed ways of getting that envied summer fun, was not by attending the camp, but by working there. The camp counselor, the person who all the campers looked up to and craved attention from. I was thrilled about this opportunity, and applied as soon as the applications were released. I wanted this more than anything. I sought after the swimming pool, the laughter, the arts and crafts, and the paycheck.

On top of having the most rewarding employment that a teenager could ask for, I got paid for it. I was placed with the 6 year old girls group my first year on the job. I adored the kids and became attached instantaneously. The most challenging aspect of that year was that I worked closely with a girl who was diagnosed with autism. It was extremely difficult for me to adjust to the way she reacted to different environments and people. I attained a great deal of patience and understanding that summer. In the beginning, I was a tad disappointed because this is not what I thought my job would consist of. It didn’t take long before that little girl grew on me and we bonded. I felt proud to know that I got to be a part of her summer experience.

My junior summer was a remarkable one. Every adolescent should have this opportunity. It teaches responsibility, respect, punctuality and on the field experience. An initial job such as this for a teenager is a stepping stone towards become a mature adult.

I benefited from this experience immensely, and I am returning to work for the same camp this coming summer. It changed me, and I have to say that it was for the better.

Stephanie Courtois is a junior at Wellington High School. She is involved in tae kwon do, French, National and Chemistry Honor Societies, and is the news editor for the school newspaper. She loves journalism and plans to continue working for a magazine in her career after college.

July, 2011 – Desiderada

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DESIDERADA

 

— written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s —
 

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

 

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

 

if you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

 

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

 

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

 

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

 

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

July/August, 2011 – The Technology Conspiracy: An Expose

Cantankerously Yourswendell-abern-cantank-yours

The Technology Conspiracy: An Expose

 

By Wendell Abern

Dear Innocently Bewildered,

          Five years ago, I wrote a column theorizing the existence of a highly-organized shadow organization whose purpose is to conspire against those of us who are technologically challenged, deficient and feeble.   Their purpose:  to identify, torment and gouge financially those of us with no mechanical, electrical, technological or any other kind of “ical” abilities.

          For those of you who accused me of rampant paranoia, I can smugly report my theory has now been confirmed.

          Following is a transcript from the monthly dinner meeting of this insidious group, smuggled to me by a source I will not reveal.  (Note: 

I was told I am the one referred to as “Chicago Ten-Thumbs.”) 

It was through these confidential minutes that I learned the horrifying news that the organization is now being led by the VP ICOAM (The Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me). 

          Still reeling from shock at this revelation, I was then rendered speechless when I read the first report given by their brand new consultant … Borbick.  Borbick!   The miniaturized terrorist who lives inside my computer!     

                                      *        *        *

          (CONFIDENTIAL!  FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2011.)

VP ICOAM: 

“Ladies, gentlemen and fellow technoegoists … welcome to tonight’s meeting.  We have many victims to discuss tonight, and we are leading off with everyone’s favorite, Chicago Ten-Thumbs.  (CHEERING)

“To kick off this portion, I am honored to introduce our new computer consultant, the miniaturized terrorist, Borbick, who resides inside Ten-Thumbs’ computer.   

“Borbick has been magnified in order to make tonight’s presentation, and will now entertain us all with his first report.  Borbick?  (CHEERS AS BORBICK TAKES STAGE.)

          BORBICK: 

“Good evening, everyone.  It gives me great pleasure to see you all tonight … and to report that through my dedicated efforts, Ten-Thumbs’ blood pressure has skyrocketed, his hemi-facial tic now flutters like a flag in a windstorm … and his acid reflux is geysering so often it puts Old Faithful to shame.  (CHEERS)

          “May was a banner month.  I started slowly.  You know, prevented him a few times from reaching the sites he wanted.  Worked my way up to inaccessible e-mails.  Couldn’t send, couldn’t receive.  (CHORTLE)   Tsk, tsk, such language.  Right out of a locker room.

          “But my proudest moments came when Ten-Thumbs

tried to obtain the results of recent medical exams from the Cleveland Clinic.  Many of the clinic’s patients use a site called MyChart to get information. 

“Well, I shut that puppy down for a whole weekend, and Ten-Thumbs went berserk.  Gnashing of teeth.  Pain in his nether regions.   A joy to watch. 

“And now, as we agreed earlier, I am going to ask ‘On-hold Harry’ to continue the saga of Chicago Ten-Thumbs and his elusive MyChart.  Harry.”

HARRY (STANDS UP AT DINNER TABLE):

“I’m ‘onna start with the bottom line ‘cause you’re gonna love it! 

HE NEVER GOT THROUGH TO HIS MEDICAL REPORTS!  (APPLAUSE) 

I had him on hold for so long he almost soiled himself.

          “And he called twice!  Nine minutes the first time, seventeen big ones the second.  He listened to so many recorded messages promoting Cleveland Clinic services, he’s now an expert on proctology procedures, PMS symptoms and breast implants!  Borbick, back to you.” 

          BORBICK:

(WITH BIG GRIN)  Wait ‘til next month!  In June, when Ten-Thumbs is half-way through writing his monthly column, I’m freezing his computer before he can hit, “Save,” and he’ll lose everything!”  (STANDING OVATION)  

        VP ICOAM:

“Thank you, Borbick and Harry.   And finally tonight … I have saved our most famous contributor for last.  Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcome to … ‘Easy’ Eddie!  (WILD APPLAUSE) 

“For those of you who couldn’t attend, last night, for the 43rd year in a row, Easy Eddie won the coveted Obfuscation Trophy – awarded each year to the person who writes the best easy-to-assemble instructions that are difficult to understand.  

“Eddie, c’mon up here, share some of your secrets and tell us what you and Chicago Ten-Thumbs have been up to.”

STANDING OVATION AS EDDIE GOES UP TO STAGE.

EDDIE:

“Well, I’m not going to share all of my secrets, but I’ll tell you my favorite.  I make the first half or two-thirds of my instructions very clear, very concise, so idiots like Two-Thumbs feel they’re doing just fine.  Then I lower the boom with a phrase that contradicts half of what I’d written earlier.

“As for Ten-Thumbs, he’s my all-time favorite. 

“And he has never given me more fun than when he bought a portable TV.  You should have seen his face when he read my first instruction … to hook up to a coaxial cable.  (CHUCKLES)  He started screaming, ‘If this is portable, why do I have to hook it up to anything!’  (LAUGHTER)  And guess what happened next?”  (LOOKS OVER TO “ON-HOLD” HARRY AND WINKS.)

HARRY:

“He called the manufacturer.  Four minutes on hold, twelve more trying to reach the right guy, which he never did, and he never got an answer!”

(SITS DOWN)

EASY EDDIE:

“And, I am happy to report, Ten-Thumbs’ portable TV has now been crammed back into its box and has never been used.  I can’t wait to see what he does if a hurricane hits and his power goes out.” 

          VP ICOAM:

Thank you, Eddie and Harry.  Now, moving on to our next victim, Karen the Klutz, I – “

          (END OF REPORT)        

                             *        *        *

My informant would not supply me with any part of the report not relevant to me.

However, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I have no compunctions about publishing these ugly proceedings – and will do so whenever I receive another one.

Meanwhile, ailing seriously since reading the transcript, I have loaded up on chocolate malts, cheeseburgers, barbecued ribs, and other well-known medicinal cures. 

Cantankerously Yours,

                   Wendell Abern

 

  

 

Dear Innocently Bewildered,

          Five years ago, I wrote a column theorizing the existence of a highly-organized shadow organization whose purpose is to conspire against those of us who are technologically-challenged, deficient and feeble.   Their purpose:  to identify, torment and gouge financially those of us with no mechanical, electrical, technological or any other kind of “ical” abilities.

          For those of you who accused me of rampant paranoia, I can smugly report my theory has now been confirmed.

          Following is a transcript from the monthly dinner meeting of this insidious group, smuggled to me by a source I will not reveal.  (Note: 

I was told I am the one referred to as “Chicago Ten-Thumbs.”) 

It was through these confidential minutes that I learned the horrifying news that the organization is now being led by the VP ICOAM (The Vice President in Charge of Aggravating Me). 

          Still reeling from shock at this revelation, I was then rendered speechless when I read the first report given by their brand new consultant … Borbick.  Borbick!   The miniaturized terrorist who lives inside my computer!     

                                      *        *        *

          (CONFIDENTIAL!  FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2011.)

VP ICOAM: 

“Ladies, gentlemen and fellow technoegoists … welcome to tonight’s meeting.  We have many victims to discuss tonight, and we are leading off with everyone’s favorite, Chicago Ten-Thumbs.  (CHEERING)

“To kick off this portion, I am honored to introduce our new computer consultant, the miniaturized terrorist, Borbick, who resides inside Ten-Thumbs’ computer.   

“Borbick has been magnified in order to make tonight’s presentation, and will now entertain us all with his first report.  Borbick?  (CHEERS AS BORBICK TAKES STAGE.)

          BORBICK: 

“Good evening, everyone.  It gives me great pleasure to see you all tonight … and to report that through my dedicated efforts, Ten-Thumbs’ blood pressure has skyrocketed, his hemi-facial tic now flutters like a flag in a windstorm … and his acid reflux is geysering so often it puts Old Faithful to shame.  (CHEERS)

          “May was a banner month.  I started slowly.  You know, prevented him a few times from reaching the sites he wanted.  Worked my way up to inaccessible e-mails.  Couldn’t send, couldn’t receive.  (CHORTLE)   Tsk, tsk, such language.  Right out of a locker room.

          “But my proudest moments came when Ten-Thumbs

tried to obtain the results of recent medical exams from the Cleveland Clinic.  Many of the clinic’s patients use a site called MyChart to get information. 

“Well, I shut that puppy down for a whole weekend, and Ten-Thumbs went berserk.  Gnashing of teeth.  Pain in his nether regions.   A joy to watch. 

“And now, as we agreed earlier, I am going to ask ‘On-hold Harry’ to continue the saga of Chicago Ten-Thumbs and his elusive MyChart.  Harry.”

HARRY (STANDS UP AT DINNER TABLE):

“I’m ‘onna start with the bottom line ‘cause you’re gonna love it! 

HE NEVER GOT THROUGH TO HIS MEDICAL REPORTS!  (APPLAUSE) 

I had him on hold for so long he almost soiled himself.

          “And he called twice!  Nine minutes the first time, seventeen big ones the second.  He listened to so many recorded messages promoting Cleveland Clinic services, he’s now an expert on proctology procedures, PMS symptoms and breast implants!  Borbick, back to you.”  (CHEERS AS HARRY SITS DOWN)

          BORBICK:

(WITH BIG GRIN)  Wait ‘til next month!  In June, when Ten-Thumbs is half-way through writing his monthly column, I’m freezing his computer before he can hit, “Save,” and he’ll lose  everything!”  (STANDING OVATION AS BORBICK LEAVES STAGE)  

        VP ICOAM:

“Thank you, Borbick and Harry.   And finally tonight … I have saved our most famous contributor for last.  Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcome to … ‘Easy’ Eddie!  (WILD APPLAUSE) 

“For those of you who couldn’t attend, last night, for the 43rd year in a row, Easy Eddie won the coveted Obfuscation Trophy – awarded each year to the person who writes the best easy-to-assemble instructions that are difficult to understand.  

“Eddie, c’mon up here, share some of your secrets and tell us what you and Chicago Ten-Thumbs have been up to.”

STANDING OVATION AS EDDIE GOES UP TO STAGE AND TAKES MIKE.

EDDIE:

“Well, I’m not going to share all of my secrets, but I’ll tell you my favorite.  I make the first half or two-thirds of my instructions very clear, very concise, so idiots like Two-Thumbs feel they’re doing just fine.  (PAUSE FOR EFFECT)  Then I lower the boom with a phrase that contradicts half of what I’d written earlier.  (WILD APPLAUSE)

“As for Ten-Thumbs, he’s my all-time favorite. 

“And he has never given me more fun than when he bought a portable TV.  You should have seen his face when he read my first instruction … to hook up to a coaxial cable.  (CHUCKLES)  He started screaming, ‘If this is portable, why do I have to hook it up to anything!’  (LAUGHTER)  And guess what happened next?”  (LOOKS OVER TO “ON-HOLD” HARRY AND WINKS.)

ON-HOLD HARRY STANDS UP AT HIS TABLE.

HARRY:

“He called the manufacturer.  Four minutes on hold, twelve more trying to reach the right guy, which he never did, and he never got an answer!”

(ON-HOLD HARRY SITS DOWN AMID WILD CHEERING)

EASY EDDIE:

“And, I am happy to report, Ten-Thumbs’ portable TV has now been crammed back into its box and has never been used.  I can’t wait to see what he does if a hurricane hits and his power goes out.”  (SITS DOWN AMID CHEERS AND ANOTHER STANDING OVATION.)

          VP ICOAM:

Thank you, Eddie and Harry.  Now, moving on to our next victim, Karen the Klutz, I – “

          (END OF REPORT)        

                             *        *        *

My informant would not supply me with any part of the report not relevant to me.

However, now that my suspicions have been confirmed, I have no compunctions about publishing these ugly proceedings – and will do so whenever I receive another one.

Meanwhile, ailing seriously since reading the transcript, I have loaded up on  chocolate malts, cheeseburgers, barbecued ribs, and other well-known medicinal cures. 

Cantankerously Yours,

                   Wendell Abern

Wendell Abern can be reached at dendyabern@comcast.net.

 

 

 

 

July, 2011 – AW in Pictures

The YWCA Vintage Tea and Grace Dodge Awards. Photo by Carol Porter.
The YWCA Vintage Tea and Grace Dodge Awards. Photo by Carol Porter.
Snow White presented by Spotlight of Wellington. Photo by Lois Spatz.
Snow White presented by Spotlight of Wellington. Photo by Lois Spatz.
The CPK Kids Tour. See related story under "Mommy Moments."
The CPK Kids Tour. See related story under "Mommy Moments."
The Relay for Life Race in May, 2011. Photo by Lois Spatz.
The Relay for Life Race in May, 2011. Photo by Lois Spatz.
Magician Gary Midnight visits the Lantana Library on June 25, 2011. Photo by Elien Boes.
Magician Gary Midnight visits the Lantana Library on June 25, 2011. Photo by Elien Boes.

July, 2011 – Museums…Summer’s Education Opportunity

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Travel with Terri

Museums:  Summer’s Education Opportunity

By Terri MarshallTerri Marshall

Museums are an excellent way to expand your knowledge and New York City is a destination with an unsurpassed variety of museums for exploration.   No doubt you are familiar with The Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Guggenheim and the American Museum of Natural History, but did you know New York City has a museum dedicated to the transit system, another dedicated to the stories of immigrants on the Lower East Side and even a museum dedicated to sex?  Let’s take a look inside these three unique establishments.  You never know what you may learn on your summer vacation!

The first subject on the agenda is history.  New York City has served as the gateway to America for numerous immigrants and the city’s Lower East Side became the new home of many of these families. 

Levine Parlor. Photo: Courtesy the Lower East Side Tenement Museum.
Levine Parlor. Photo: Courtesy the Lower East Side Tenement Museum.

The Lower East Side Tenement National Historic Site, located at 97 Orchard Street, is a five-story brick tenement building that was home to an estimated 7,000 people from over 20 nations between 1863 and 1935.  Built in 1863, the building initially had no indoor plumbing, no heat or air conditioning and extremely cramped living conditions.  However, this is the place numerous families worked tirelessly to build a new life in America.  Their struggles to provide for their families, maintain their traditions and religious customs and adapt to the customs of a new world are immortalized in the guided tours provided by the museum. 

The Getting By tours illustrates the stories of German, Jewish and Italian Catholic families who immigrated to America during the Panic of

Photo: Courtesy the Lower East Side Tenement Museum.
Photo: Courtesy the Lower East Side Tenement Museum.

1873.  The Moore Family tour tells the story of Irish immigrants dealing with the death of their child as they struggled to keep other children healthy during 1869.  Piecing it Together is the story of a Russian Jewish family who not only lived in the tiny apartments but also worked in the garment industry with the family living room serving as the garment factory.  Space was non-existent and the challenges were numerous, but the families were determined to keep their heritage alive and provide a new life for their families during these difficult years.  This was the original garment district of New York City providing garments for people all over the nation including soldiers’ uniforms for the Civil War.  Learn about these families and others and the role their struggles played in American history.  Daily tours are provided and can be combined with neighborhood walks to learn more about this unique community in Manhattan.  http://www.tenement.org

The second subject in our education this month is science and industry.  What would you do with a decommissioned 1936 subway station?  Well, if you are New York City Transit you would create a fantastic museum, devoted to preserving the history, sociology and technology of the public transportation systems in the New York metropolitan region.  Located in downtown Brooklyn, the New York Transit Museum displays the most extensive collection of urban transportation materials in the United States.   Housed in a 60,000  square foot facility,

NY Subway Museum.
Platform at the NY Transit Museum.

visitors enter the museum the same way you enter a subway – down the subway steps!  On the mezzanine level of the subway station you will find exhibits about the building of the New York subway system – the maze of tunnels that created New York’s underground world and continues to provide transportation to millions of New Yorkers and visitors 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!  There is a collection of tokens and turnstiles and an educational center along with an interactive bus exhibit.  The station’s platform level is connected to the New York City subway system with a live third rail and houses a spectacular collection of restored subway and elevated cars dating from 1904 through 1963.  There is also a working signal tower. 

Coming this November the New York Transit Museum will be home to a groundbreaking new exhibit about electricity tentatively titled:  bmt_cardsc_8886ElectriCity:  How Electricity Powers New York’s Subway.  Occupying 2,000 square feet on the mezzanine level of the museum, the exhibit will emphasize engineering and technology through the use of the museum’s extensive collection and science-based interactivies.   Through its partnership with Liberty Science Center, the New York Transit Museum’s newest exhibit will spark understanding about the role electricity plays in sustaining mass transit; how electricity is generated, transmitted and put to work; and where electricity comes from today as well as where it will come from tomorrow. 

The New York Transit Musuem’s education center has numerous activities for children providing simple to understand concepts about the subway that also provide youngsters with a good time.  Throughout the summer the museum hosts “Transit Tots” events, nostalgic rides to Coney Island and activities to make learning fun for all ages!  The New York Transit Museum teaches more than science, industry and history – it also illustrates the role of this magnificent system in today’s culture.  http://www.mta.info

The next subject in our varied museum based education is not for the children – and maybe not for all adults – but if you can put your modesty aside for the sake of education, The Museum of Sex is definitely something to see!  The mission of this truly unique museum is to preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.  The museum houses a permanent collection of over 15,000 artifacts comprised of works of art, photography, clothing and costumes and technological inventions – all relative to sexuality. 

Celebrating the seduction, humor and shock value of burlesque, The Museum of Sex is currently presenting The Nudie Artist: Burlesque Revived.  This American folk art/theater has entertained, engaged and aroused audiences through stage shows which have evolved throughout the centuries.  The exhibit will feature close to 100 artifacts and works of arts.  Highlights include original photographic portraits of Leland Bobbe, footage of burlesque performances, costumes worn by Dixie Evans and Blaze Starr and personal artifacts from Mara Gaye, a long-time professional showgirl, model, burlesque performer and dancer with the Radio City Rockettes from 1939-1943.

The Museum of Sex store is a destination in itself with a collection of signature products and every game or toy you can imagine!  The Museum of Sex is now serving cocktails at the onsite “aphrodisiac cafe”, The OralFix.  Patrons can explore aphrodisiacs from over 3,000 years of human history.  Yes, there are oysters!  http://www.museumofsex.com

Whether your favorite subject is history, science and industry or human sexuality – or maybe all three – you are sure to learn something on your summer vacation with a visit to these unique museums!

Terri is a freelance writer with regular columns on travel, chocolate and bar reviews. She is busy each month visiting new places to bring unique travel destinations and events to you. Yes, it is a sacrifice – but she is willing to do that for her readers! You can see more of Terri’s writing at www.examiner.com where she is the National Chocolate Examiner and at www.barzz.net. You can contact Terri at terri.marshall60@gmail.com

July, 2011 – The CPKids Tour…Making Pizza

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Mommy Moments

 

The CPKids Tour: A Behind the Scenes Look at Making Pizza

 

By Krista Martinelli. Photos by Elien Boes.

 

Do you want a fun, educational experience for your kids this summer that culminates in the eating of pizza?  Right, who wouldn’t want this?  So along with about ten other moms and their children, we did the wonderful California Pizza Kitchen tour for kids.  We scheduled our CPKids Tour at the Wellington Mall location, before CPK was open for business.  It was approximately $6 per child, and they gained so much more than that in value from the experience. As a sidenote, the tour

Learning about using the soda fountain at CPK
Learning about using the soda fountain at CPK

is FREE for school groups and non-profit groups. It’s a very hands-on tour for kids, designed for children ten-years-old or younger. And by “hands on,” I’m talking about spreading the pizza sauce onto your own personal-size pizza with bare hands.  Kids love it!

 

We had a very gentle and good-humored staff person named Kenn – he gave us the behind the scenes restaurant tour.  See the introduction video that he did for us!

 

The kids especially liked seeing where everything was stored, seeing food in bulk and getting the chill of the walk-in fridge.  Another special treat is getting their own drinks from the soda fountain. After seeing everything “backstage,” the kids were lined up at the counter, each with a round space to work on their personal pizza. Another terrific staff person Shawn showed the kids how he twirls the pizza dough. They really enjoyed spreading on the tomato sauce, sprinkling the cheese and whatever toppings they requested.  Some of the kids made smiley face pizzas. The kids get to see how the pizzas go right into the brick oven. 

 

Lining up at the counter to make pizzas.
Lining up at the counter to make pizzas.

 

 

 

 

Then we were led back to our seats to wait about ten minutes for the pizza to be done.  And voila!  Terrific pizzas, created by our kids.  As an added bonus, the staff brought out an assortment of interesting pizzas for the parents to sample.  The kids were truly excited to see how food is prepared in a real restaurant and proud to have made their own individual pizzas.  Most of our crew, at an average age of 5, did a good job of finishing off the whole pizza too! 

 

Yum!
Yum!

 

 

The fun continued when our friendly tour guide handed out CPKids VIP Passes, good for the rest of the month.  The pass entitles each child to a FREE Kids Meal, with a choice of pizza, pasta, salad or chicken, as well as a sundae, brownie or fruit, with a drink. And each pass can be used up to four times within the month. The kids also receive an activity book and pencil. 

 

We left happy, educated, entertained and well-fed.  It was a great kick-off to our summer and I highly recommend the experience to other parents and kids.  To schedule a tour, call California Pizza Kitchen at the Mall at Wellington Green – (561) 793-1601. For further details on the tours, visit our “Kids’ Corner” this month.

Attention Schools and Non-Profits: California Pizza Kitchen can help your school or 501c organization raise money through a CPKids FUNdraising event. All you have to do is enjoy the great food at CPK and 20% of your purchase will be donated to your school or 501c organization.  For more details contact a Manager at a local CPK.

 

 

 

 

 

July, 2011 – The Wellness Experience . . . Even More Ways to Wellness

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AW Spotlight

 

The Wellness Experience: New Added Services, More Ways to Wellness

 

By Krista Martinelli

 

 

Dr. Randall Laurich of The Wellness Experience has a well-rounded approach to his chiropractic practice and brings together many elements of wellness. He already has an advantage over many other chiropractors by offering state-of-the-art technology in his office – the ProAdjuster, which is a gentle, non-invasive technique, especially

Dr. Randall Laurich of the Wellness Experience, demonstrating the advantages of the ProAdjuster
Dr. Randall Laurich of the Wellness Experience, demonstrating the advantages of the ProAdjuster

 helpful for the young and the elderly patients. And the DRX 9000, a sophisticated machine in treating herniated, degenerated and bulging disks. (See the videos of Laurich showing the ProAdjuster and the DRX 9000 below). He’s grown his office in Kobosko’s Crossing to include even more services now. He teamed up with fellow chiropractor Dr. Andrew Biggs, in order to see more patients. He also brought in a nutritionist, Tracy Mastandrea, RD, LD/N, who works with patients to improve their overall wellness. With customized nutrition and detoxification programs, she is helping people to improve the quality of their lives overall – very much in tune with the Wellness Experience’s mission. As an added bonus, the Wellness Experience added an aesthetician to their staff. So patients can go to the Wellness Experience for facials and microdermabrasian too. 

The staff at The Wellness Experience has embraced better diet and fitness plans over the past year, giving a good path to follow for their patients. Dr. Laurich explains, “I realized that if you’re unhealthy, you can’t really advise others to live a healthy lifestyle.” So Laurich himself dropped several pounds, starting working out regularly, cut back on sugar and became a better role model for wellness. As a result of doing this with his staff, they built a stronger team. They always highlight five facets of health in getting to wellness – proper nutrition, exercise, a positive mental attitude, proper sleep and a properly functioning nervous system. As a chiropractor, Laurich is keenly aware of how the brain affects the nervous system, and the nervous system affects the whole body. As for sleep issues, they find that nine out of ten times, “it’s the mattress” causing the problems.

 

Perhaps as a result of their emphasis on fitness, they’ve attracted a majority of patients who are in some kind of fitness program, including some athletes and triathletes. “Everyone needs some sort of fitness component,” Dr. Laurich firmly believes.

When patients need to resolve some serious back pain, Laurich also often refers them to fitness and stretching expert Cheryl Alker. Alker writes our AroundWellington.com “Health & Fitness” column each month. A few months ago she released a helpful DVD for sufferers of back pain, which can be purchased at the Wellness Experience. 

Alker speaks glowingly of her first encounter with Dr. Laurich and how they learned about each other’s talents. “My first introduction to Dr. Laurich was via a written article and his success with migraine sufferers.  My sister has suffered with migraines throughout her whole life. However, the regularity of the headaches had worsened. I referred her to the article and she started a program with Dr. Laurich.  Whilst she was being treated she mentioned my work and Dr. Laurich and I arranged a time to show him my program.  My techniques are incredibly powerful, and results are felt within one session, so luckily Dr. Laurich was able to see the benefit of my work immediately – the results were the proof. He obviously had no hesitation in referring his clients to me, as well as recommending my Free Yourself From Back Pain DVD, which is available from the Wellness Center or from my website http://www.stretchresults.com/. I also then spent many hours observing Dr. Laurich’s techniques, the technology he uses and his results.  His work is the best of both worlds, technology with his undeniable knowledge and a caring attitude. We had found a match, I have no hesitation in recommending the Wellness Center to anyone I know professionally or personally. Oh and by the way, my sister’s migraines?  She has seen a 95% improvement. In fact she has not suffered a full blown migraine since she began treatment!”

A frequent question that Dr. Laurich gets from patients is, “Why do we have to keep coming back?” He explains that care of the spine is a maintenance program. “Every single person wants a better quality of life. In order to keep the spine in alignment, many people need a monthly or biweekly alignment.” The question, he explains, is similar to someone asking, “Why do I have to eat right?” In other words, it’s not a one-time thing; it’s a practice, a routine of health. “To embrace the five facets of health, you have to maintain them. Your body can easily become out of line amidst the ongoing struggle with physical, chemical and emotional stress,” says Laurich.

With the holistic method that they use at the Wellness Experience along with the latest in technology, they get a lot of appreciative patients. Sometimes the “thank you’s” come directly from patients who finally have become free of pain. Other times it comes from a family member who is just happy to see their relative no longer in pain. That’s what they’re all about at the Wellness Experience – Dr. Randy Laurich, Dr. Andrew Biggs, Brandy, Carol, Marcos and the other staff. They aim to free people from pain and give them a better quality of life.

What do clients appreciate most? “It’s the family atmosphere that we provide,” says Laurich. It’s truly a friendly place to visit, a place where the staff enjoy coming to work and the patients enjoy the results that they get. Also, they’ve recently changed the aesthetics of the office to create more of a spa environment, which people seem to enjoy too.

It really is a family environment, where Dr. Laurich’s wife Lorraine works in the office a few days a week. Their children who are six and four-years-old are often at the office too, seeing what their parents do and sometimes even helping out. They are a delightful family, very enthusiastic about being a part of the Wellington community.

As Dr. Laurich celebrates five years at his office in Wellington, he also become very active in Wellington activities. He is the co-chair of the Health, Wellness and Medical Committee (along with Blake Kendall) for the Wellington Chamber of Commerce. They present an Annual Health & Wellness Expo, offering the best of health and wellness services to our community. He also co-chaired Wellington’s WinterFest last year, which was its most successful year so far. He recently began hosting a weekly radio show on W4CY.com, the Experience Wellness Talk Show on Tuesdays at 2:00pm.  He enjoys taking questions from the community and discussing the different aspects of wellness on air.  He also enjoys the opportunity to interview local business owners, fitness experts, fitness event coordinators and others in related fields in the community.

Best of all, the Wellness Experience is a place that’s open to many methods of healing and many ways of helping their patients. This stems from Dr. Laurich’s open-mindedness, as someone who has been known to combine chiropractic care with medical care. He uses the method which best fits your age, your issues and your wellness profile. It’s a place for healing and a place for total wellness!

For more information, call The Wellness Experience (561-333-5351) or stop by inside Kobosko’s Crossing.

 

The Wellness Experience

9180 Forest Hill Blvd.

Kobosko’s Crossing

Wellington, FL 33414

561-333-5351

Wellness-Experience.com

See 2 great coupons for the Wellness Experience

On the “AW Coupons” page!

July, 2011 – The CPKids Tour

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The CPKids Tour: A Behind the Scenes Look at Making Pizza

 

 

Do you want a fun, educational experience for your kids this summer that culminates in the eating of pizza?  Right, who wouldn’t want this?  So along with about ten other moms and their children, we did the wonderful California Pizza Kitchen tour for kids.  Read more about the experience in the July, 2011 “Mommy Moments” article.