As I Was Saying
Resolutions 2011
By Alan Williamson
The dawning of a new year is an opportune time to pause and reflect on my life and how I can live it with more purpose, peace and enjoyment. But due to the hectic nature of the holiday season, my profound reflections are often pre-empted by thoughts like “Can I just get everyone moist towelettes this year?” and “Mmmm . . . cocoa brownie balls.” That being the case, here’s the best resolutions I could come up with under such challenging circumstances.
Resolution # 1: I will beat a Kenyan in a short foot race and finally cross that goal off my bucket list. (I actually beat a Kenyan in a 50-yard race in a park last year but he was pushing a stroller at the time and may not have been aware I was racing him. Also, he may have been Cuban.)
Resolution # 2: I will find the time to go back to doing what it is I do best: teaching inner city kids to yodel.
Resolution # 3: I will develop an alternative to the Internet called “The Infobahn.” It will have only a fraction of the content but will be 10 times faster.
Resolution # 4: I will revive my basketball career by finding a new agent. (While LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh got sweet deals to join the Miami Heat this past summer, my current agent landed me a non-paying gig on the Fort Lauderdale Parks and Rec Basketball League’s Loitering Lizards.)
Resolution # 5: I will make plans to throw a big party sometime. (Wait, did I say “big party”? I meant “discussion group with light refreshments.”)
Resolution # 6: I will work day and night to put together the Leno/McCartney reunion concert that the world yearns for. (I just can’t help shake the feeling that the concept is fundamentally flawed. Must talk to Jay and Paul’s people about their interest levels.)
Resolution # 7: I will lose 35 lbs. on The Chicken Pot Pie and Low-Fat Fudgesicle Diet and inspire millions to do the same by appearing in a series of national ads using my old pants as a parasail while being pulled over the ocean by a powerboat.
Resolution # 8: I will become utterly absorbed in a new and greater reality while still maintaining my availability to participate in happy hours, barbecues, card games and other traditional, old-reality activities.
Resolution # 9: I will only LOL when I find something LOL funny, which won’t be nearly as often as a lot of LOL people who will LOL without any provocation whatsoever. (Example #1: Just bought two cans of diced tomatoes, lol.” Example # 2: “Thought today was the 24th, not the 23rd, lol.” Example # 3: One of these days I’ll get to Wyoming, lol.) I hope that gratuitous LOL people everywhere will follow my lead and stop the insanity. LMAO (but not really).
Resolution # 10: I will finally learn my lesson and stop listening to TV weather people who give advice like “good day to hit that street fair downtown.” Instead, if they predict ‘no rain’ for the day, I’ll make it a point to load up on DVDs and wait for the torrential downpour.
Resolution # 11: I will use my extensive experience to work with governments, nonprofit agencies and international organizations to help developing countries build self-reliance and economic independence. I’ll get right on this right after I find a job.
Resolution # 12: I will do some serious soul searching and decide whether I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, a small fish in a big pond, or a fish special on a menu of diverse offerings that may include Seared Peppered Scallops with Orange-Soy Glaze, Moroccan Chicken with Eggplant and Almonds, and Blackened Red Snapper with Creole Sauce. (SPOILER ALERT: The smart money’s on “big fish, small pond.”)
Resolution # 13: I will express my “inner werewolf” by not showering or shaving for weeks on end and throwing my head back whenever I get the urge and letting loose with a hearty “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”
Happy 2011 everyone! Greet each day as a gift, enjoy the journey, and don’t forget to stop and smell the cocoa brownie balls. Oh yeah, and one last thing: “Aw, Aw – Awwwwooooo!!”
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at . © 2010 Alan Williamson.