I Found A New Baby!
“Berkel, I’m telling you, this is it. I finally found the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.”
“How many times have I heard this? answered Berkel.
“No, no, Gloria is different I’m telling you.”
“Yea, so was Alice. So was Trudy. So was Tania. So was…
I keep forgetting that Berkel is a skeptic. “I know, I know. There have been many, but this time I feel like I’m flying on a cloud… and a thousand angels are singing in my ear,” I insisted.
“I guarantee that your vertigo is back!” said Berkel.
“What vertigo? I replied.
Berkel was scratching his ear. “Don’t you remember what happens when you have vertigo?”
“Refresh my memory.”
“Well, you get dizzy, like your flying on a cloud. And that singing
in your ears… it’s ringing, not singing. The cochlea of the inner ear
has been affected, probably from that scuba diving you did last week.”
“You’re saying that I don’t know the difference between being in
love and an ear infection?
“Strange you should ask. You see, the water that entered your ear has caused unequal pressure against the eardrums. In layman’s terms, it’s vestibular, or an inner ear disorder that can cause dizziness, imbalance, hearing changes, nausea, fatigue, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, with potentially devastating effects on a person’s day-to-day functioning, ability to work, relationships with family and friends, and quality of life.”
“How do you know this for a fact, Berkel, my friend?”
“I’ve told you a million times that I watch the Discovery channel.”
“My feelings for Gloria are not an ear infection.”
“Why not. You said Alice gave you heartburn. Trudy gave you a nervous rash that covered your entire body for six weeks, and Tania gave you…”
“Shut up. Shut up! I love her with all my being! When she laughs, her mouth becomes…her mouth becomes…”
“A bottomless cavern,” says Berkel.
“Not so, not so! When I hold her hand, it feels like I’m holding…”
“A rancid slice of spam?” smiled Berkel.
“Not so, not so! When I hold her face in my hand, I think…I think…”
“that her face was accidentally caught in a Thigh Master?” laughed Berkel.
“Not so, not so! Her eyes. They are like to large, shinning moons…”
“that have spun out of orbit?”
“Her two red, ruby lips. They are like two…like two…”
“inner tubes from a 1960 Nash Rambler,” said Berkel
“Not so, not so! And when she walks into a room, it’s like…It’s like…”
“she’s still riding a horse?”
“I’ve had enough of your insults. I have a mind to… to…”
“have me euthanized? Whacked? Rubbed out?”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“But it did cross your mind.”
“Maybe I rushed into this thing with Gloria. And maybe I’ll get my ears checked tomorrow.”
“Now you’re talking. Just keep in mind that the thousands of hair cells in the middle chamber of your particular cochlea are vibration receptors. Therefore, my good man, the vibrations of the endolymph are probably causing vibrations of the basilar membrane, and this moves the stereo cilia at the tips of the hair cells against the tectorial membrane. You’re very lucky that I’m here to help you through the challenges you are about to face with your vestibular disorder.”
“Are you finished, Doctor Berkel?”
“No.”
“Oh, yes you are! And there goes your gummy ball treats for tonight!”
“You eat them, they stick in my little teeth, anyway.”
“Why, you dirty fuzz-ball, four-legged runt —I should have you shipped out on a slow boat to China.”
Make that Hawaii and we got a deal!”
Jon Frangipane Copyright © 2008 Revised 2015