As I Was Saying
More Coffee, Please
By Alan Williamson
Some people jump out of bed in the morning, take a shower, grab something to eat and go about their business. If they have anything to drink, it might be a glass of OJ or milk or, perhaps, a cup of tea. Coffee? No thanks, they’ll tell you. They don’t drink coffee.
I affectionately refer to these people as freaks.
My mornings, in stark contrast, start with 40 ounces of fresh, cold water and two heaping scoops of ground coffee brewed in a German-made Krups coffeemaker. The beans may come from Colombia, Kenya, Hawaii, Costa Rica or Honduras, but their final destination is the cup I hold anxiously in my hand, waiting for the drip brewing cycle to finish.
Stupid brewing cycle. Come on already. Vision blurring, feeling drowsy, must . . . get . . . coffee.
My day doesn’t (couldn’t) officially begin until that first cup of coffee passes my lips, chasing the cobwebs and splicing together the bits and pieces of my mental junkyard. Coffee helps me quickly hone in on important facets of the day ahead, like whether it’s a Tuesday or a Saturday, where I’m expected to be at what time, and if I should be wearing long pants or shorts.
If there’s a better way than coffee to rev up your central nervous system in the morning, I haven’t found it. With the brain boost I get from my first cup, I go from being a dim-witted oaf to a performance-enhanced super athlete envied by my peers and closely observed by the International Olympic Committee. (It seems the IOC suspects that caffeine levels found in my urine may be in violation of competitive regulations. Tea-drinking swine.)
Feeling the urge to pee again, feel like I’m being watched. How many cups have I had? Must . . . get to . . . bathroom.
Along with shaving precious seconds off your time in the 60 meter hurdles, the perks of drinking coffee are impressively vast. I present to the unconvinced these grounds for consideration:
· In a study published in the Journal of Pain, scientists found that a couple of cups of joe before exercise cut post-workout muscle pain and inflammation in half. How do they know this, you wonder? Don’t ask. If they told you they’d have to torture you and write about it in the Journal of Pain.
· Coffee’s high concentration of antioxidants has been linked to reduced incidences of cancers and increased protection against cardiovascular disease, immune dysfunction and other degenerative diseases. How does this compare to tea, you query? Contrary to popular belief, coffee has three times the antioxidant power of tea. If you doubt that, I know some people at the Journal of Pain who would like to speak to you in private.
· A well-timed cup of coffee has been proven to spike cognitive function and elevate productivity for an hour or more. So when you need to rise to the occasion and make things happen, chugging some java can take you to a whole new level of personal achievement. This explains the morning I ran 5 miles, detailed my car, built a guest cottage in my backyard and helped police solve a string of robberies, all before 9 a.m.
· Coffee is the nonalcoholic drink of choice to manage and survive time-consuming situations and tedious discussions. Going into a three-hour meeting with your company’s head of Fiscal Discipline and Cost Containment? A 20-ounce Starbucks can speed up the ordeal, especially when you slip out to the restroom 20 minutes in and murmur ambiguously over your shoulder, “In case I don’t see you have a nice weekend.”
The health benefits and social advantages of coffee are almost too numerous to mention. Besides, the fun is in the flavor. As I write this, in fact, I’m savoring a rousingly robust cup of gourmet crème brulee coffee. It’s kicky, yet mellow, with sweet, creamy vanilla undertones and a warm caramelized finish. Good to the last drop (and by “drop” I mean that moment where I actually let go of the cup in a fit of coffee-induced euphoria).
Jealous of my bliss, some misguided coffee critics say that too much caffeine is no good for you and can make you jittery. B-b-b-b-ull, says I. D-d-d-d-on’t give me t-t-that. They don’t know b-b-b-beans about my b-b-b-beans.
Hands shaking, brain buzzing. Feeling dehydrated, must . . . adjust
. . . dosage.
Now where was I? Oh yeah. Waitress, more coffee, please. And where are your restrooms?
Alan Williamson is an award-winning writer with 27 years in the field of true fiction (advertising). A practical man who knows that writing for a living is risky going, he has taken steps to pursue a second, more stable career as a leggy super model. Alan can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. © 2010 Alan Williamson.