March, 2013 – As I Was Saying

Stray Thoughts: Emptying the Think Tank

By Alan Williamson

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately, so here goes . . .

• IDEA: A cop show entitled “Fine and Dandy” that follows the exploits of officers John Fine and Darius Dandy as they work the streets of a South Florida city named Evergrass Groves. Episode One: John and Darius raid a pill mill posing as a chiropractic clinic posing as a consignment shop.
  
  
• The sign said “long-haired freaky people need not apply.” Which is really weird because the day before it said “u-turn not permitted.”

• If you’re ever with a group of people having their photo taken and you’re tempted to make that thumbs-up gesture, don’t. It always looks annoyingly stupid.

• I recently considered pursuing a career as an organic farmer to have a more eco-friendly influence on the environment. Unfortunately, it ended abruptly when I got motion sickness during the crop rotations.

• As I get older, I sometimes see my father when I look in the mirror. I was startled once to see my mother in the mirror, but that’s because she came up behind me suddenly to ask if we had any Tylenol.

• Air Travel Anti-Terrorism Enhancement: Currently, before a plane takes off, flight attendants instruct all passengers in the use of emergency equipment and check to see that seatbelts are fastened and seats are in the upright positions. Let’s also have them make the following announcement: “Before we take off, we ask that all passengers please check fellow passengers in your immediate area for any screwballs, weirdos, wackos, misfits, haunted drifters or fidgety religious fanatics.”

• Like the song says “If there’s a rock and roll heaven, you know they have a hell of a band.” Plus, progressive policies are in place on recreational drug use.

• Best Game Show Host of All Time: Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek. He’s a sharp dresser, he keeps a fast-paced show running smoothly, and when someone misses an easy question he never says “Clutch answer, dumbass” like a friend or family member would.

• While staying at my wife’s parent’s house I was sure I had lost my wallet (a 20 minute search came up empty). What a terrible, sickening feeling. I had resigned myself to spending hours on the phone canceling credit cards, etc., when my mother-in-law remembered grabbing some papers off a bureau and stuffing them in a drawer. It turns out my wallet was under the papers and accidentally got stuffed in the drawer with them. So, all’s well that ends well . . . except for my mother-in-law who is sitting in a Sterling Heights, Michigan jail charged with criminal mischief and unlawful concealment of an out-of-state wallet.

• IDEA: I want to create a television series called Previously so that every week during the recap of last week’s episode the voiceover can say “Previously on Previously.”

• FACT: Approximately two-thirds of all Americans are overweight. The other third are wondering where all the snacks went.

• No one says “Good Grief” or “Great Caesar’s Ghost” anymore, but plenty of people still say “Holy Cow.” Pretty amazing when you consider “Good Grief” and “Great Caesar’s Ghost” had some snappy alliteration going for them and “Holy Cow” conjures up images of a slow-witted farm animal. Let’s all make the jump to “Holy Crap” and call it a day, for Pete’s Sake.

• At what point in time did Barry Manilow become an elderly Jewish woman with a beauty salon hairdo and a nails-on-the-blackboard singing voice?

• Elvis is alive and I’ve got the concert tickets to prove it! I bought them from some guy at the flea market. Sucky part is I have to fly to Guadalajara, Mexico to catch the comeback show.

• The international graphical symbols for “Men” and “Women” on restroom doors are way too subtle for my attention span. Can we at least give the man a baseball cap and the woman some curves so I don’t have to stop and decipher which figure represents the room I’m pre-approved to take a wiz in after downing the 2 for 1 happy hour house wine at Chili’s?

• Mail Management Experiment: When I get junk mail I immediately rip it up and throw it in the trash, achieving a 58% decrease in my weekly mail backlog. Using the same strategy with bills has resulted in an additional 37% decrease in weekly mail and a 100% decrease in electricity and insurance coverage.

• CONFESSION: Sometimes I just want to rhyme. Is that such a horrible crime?

Thank you, you’ve been great! Drive safely! Good night everybody!