Cantankerously Yours

Tenth Annual Scroogie Awards

By Wendell Abern

Dear Holiday Revelers,

Scroogies are awards I inaugurated in 2006, as an homage to my idol and favorite role model, Ebenezer Scrooge.

I award Scroogies only to those who have proved themselves worthy through acts of inconsiderateness, boorishness, stupidity, arrogance, or any other trait that just plain rankles me and deserves my curmudgeonly wrath.

And each year, I confront the same major problem: hundreds of candidates, limited space to include them all. Following are this year’s deserving winners:

1 – Ma Barker, bridge opponent

You’re right, that is not her real name. Even though she has earned it.

It is impossible to describe to non-bridge players just how seriously the participants take the game. The game! It’s a game! And great fun. At least it’s supposed to be.

Most of my opponents are women in the 70s and 80s; a few in their 90s. Sweet, innocent-looking grandmothers and great-grandmothers, who turn into vicious predators as soon as they pick up their cards.

I have played against Ma Barker many times. When she is not carping at her partner, she’s doling out cranky, unsolicited lessons to her opponents. Last week, her Wednesday partner, withering under a blistering attack, finally retaliated. “Stop it already! I came here to enjoy myself!”

Ma Barker said, “If you’re here to have fun, you came to the wrong place!”

2 – The Chicago White Sox

          I have been a fan of this “other” Chicago baseball team since I was ten years old. This year’s bumbling, indifferent, underachieving clowns committed the one sin we White Sox fans consider unforgivable:  they turned us into Cub fans.

3 – Miguel

My experience with this young man became a perfect example of how absurdly I react when frustrated to the point of anger.  Miguel is the young man I finally reached when calling DirecTV, waiting through three different menus and being on hold for eight minutes.

“DirecTV. This is Miguel.”

“Miguel, I just need a couple of new remotes,” I said, gritting teeth tightly.

“Yes sir,” he said. “Let me just verify some things.”

“But I just want – “

“We have protocols, sir.”

We went through my address, my zip code, my phone number, my cellphone number, my Social Security number, my account number and my mother’s maiden name before he said, “You need to call Access Media. They’re the company that provides technical service to your condo association.”

“What! What? I’ve just wasted fifteen minutes on the phone, and you couldn’t have told me that earlier?”

“I’m sorry, sir. Those are our protocols.”

“Okay, Miguel?”

“Yes?”

“I’m calling your mother!”

And I hung up on him.

4 – Jessica

This young lady works for Spirit Airlines. I have more than 70,000 free miles accumulated with Spirit. I’ve taken eight round-trip flights to Chicago in the past four years. Each flight was free. Each flight cost me $187.

After 22 minutes on hold with Spirit and listening to countless menus, Jessica finally answered the phone. I told her I have many free miles and wanted to know about flights to Chicago next summer.

“Of course, sir,” she said. “Let me just verify some things.”

Verify. Again. A new protocol. A new endless litany of questions. Again. Six minutes later, Jesssica said, “Fine. Now, did you say Chicago?”

“Yes. Let me give you my Free Mileage number.”

“Oh sir, since this is a free flight, I’ll have to transfer you.”

Fuming, I said, “Jessica?”

“Yes?”

“You can expect a phone call from Miguel’s mother!”

Then I hung up on her, too.

5 – AT&T

Dear AT&T Bigwigs:

I wish I could have been there when you made your initial presentations to corporate America.

First, obviously, you showed them how to create communications systems where no one would have to communicate with anyone. Everything could be handled electronically, with machines delivering messages to other machines.

Then you probably segued to handling phone calls from pesky customers who had the nerve to want answers to questions. You demonstrated the beauty of menus. Sub-menus. Alternative phone numbers. Recorded answers to oft-asked questions.

My guess is you wrapped up your presentation by guaranteeing that even a company with 20,000 employees internationally, 25 million global customers, and a main office staffed by at least 1,200, needed only a Miguel and a Jessica to answer incoming phone calls.

Brilliant. Must have been one of the finest presentations in history, You have earned a nomination to my Scroogie Hall of Fame.
         

6 – My post office

          My local post office in Tamarac is being managed by disciples of Benny Hill.

On August 2nd, I sent out checks to eight companies. Monthly bills. Put them in my mailbox, as I do every month, to be picked up by our mailman.

These eight checks never arrived, I discovered in September when I received eight bills with “overdue” notices printed in red, and two months of fees now due.

I spent an entire day calling all eight companies. None of them had received a check. I went to my bank and gave them the check numbers to cancel in case someone tried to cash them.

Finally, I went to the post office. After fifteen minutes, I had worked my way to Bernice. I arrived just as her phone rang.

“Can I help you, sir?” she asked.

“Your phone is ringing,” I said.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“Your phone is ringing.”

“Sir, how can I help you?”

“Your phone is ringing off the hook!” I shouted.

The supervisor appeared. “Is there a problem here?” she asked.

“No,”I said, “Bernice and I are working on bringing back Vaudeville.”

“Sir, there are other people waiting.”

“Tell you what, Bernice. This time you be Abbott and I’ll be Costello.”

“Sir! Please!”

The phone stopped ringing.

I explained my problem to the supervisor. She said she would check with my carrier and get back to me. I gave her my card with my phone number, cellphone number and e-mail address.

That was on October 14^th. Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and I’m still waiting to hear from her.

Cantankerously Yours,

Wendell Abern